Oh this stoopid shunning thing!!

by Unstuck 31 Replies latest jw experiences

  • Unstuck

    Thanks everybody. I'm feeling the love and understanding from you and I'm horrified at some of your stories. The cruelty is inhumane.

    UPDATE - so saw dad tonight. Still intubated and sedated - basically it's a medically induced coma while his body deals with a systemic infection (pancreatitis). I took your advice and have entrenched myself with the medical team (bringing them cake tonight to say thank you for the care they are taking of dad - that always works a treat! Excuse the pun....) I call regularly and will visit each day. Along with the fact that dad assigned me next of kin - which means that if the hospital is going to call anyone, it's me. The nurses told me tonight that my sister had called but that they had to ask her questions to identify her and she hadn't appreciated that (which sounds just like her) so she is getting along fine in building her lovely reputation with the hospital staff.

    When dad wakes up and is feeling better and has recovered a bit, I will let him decide what he wants. If he wants me to continue to look after him then I will happily do so but if wants my sister to, then I will respect his decision and stand aside. At the end of the day, it is his call. He can reflect (and I will help him reflect) on all the times that I have assisted and the things that I have done and how little my sister has actually done - and he can make a decision based on that. If my sister really wants to take him on (he ain't the easiest believe me!) then I'm not going to stand in her way! It's about time she actually did something! Even if her motives are a bit skewed....

    On another note, I was talking with dad's sister tonight, giving her the update, (another well-entrenched JW) who asked me how things were going with my sister - I said "not so great". She was quiet for a moment and then said that she had spoken with my sister yesterday and so was just going to come out with it. She asked: "Are you disassociated?" I said: "no". She asked: "Are you disfellowshipped?" I said: "no". I stated that I would not act deceitfully with her or any of my family. If either of those things had occurred, I would say so and leave their decisions to them. She said that I had always acted honestly and with integrity with her and she thought that my answers were the case and what she expected I would say. I told her that my status was inactive - I don't go to meeting and I don't go out in field service. She said "that's between you and Jehovah". I said "yes, that's right" and since I think he is an imaginary sky daddy I'm totally fine with that - I didn't say that by the way.

    Anyway, I appreciated her honesty in asking me up front. She then told me what I had long suspected. That my sister was using my inactivity as an excuse to treat me the way she was over perceived grievances on her part. (Three years ago I had stoopidly provided my sister with employment. She initially performed well but after 12 months she started to perform poorly and didn't respond to my very delicate promptings to improve. In the end, I had to terminate the contract - yes, yes, I've now learned my lesson, NEVER employ family! But anyway that's all my fault so she is now treating me poorly because she thinks she has a right to because I'm inactive.)

    So I'm a bit more at ease tonight. I understand dad's condition a bit more, there is cause for hope but he has a way to go yet. I understand the family a bit better and have had an opportunity to speak for myself for a change versus the rumour mill.

    And I can't thank you all enough for your support and taking the time to comment and provide me some words of wisdom - I really am very grateful and hope that one day I can impart something back (wait, that sounds suspiciously like "an interchange of encouragement" or some such nonsense..... :) )

    Love and light to all


  • ToesUp


    I hope that one day my children will take care of me in the same manner you are looking out for your Dad. I hope he appreciates you. It says so much about you as a person.

    As for your sister....well, I have a family member that treats me the same exact way. The best way to treat her is to just smile and seem as happy as you have ever been. They hate that. Honestly, I would like to put my foot where the sun don't shine but I smile and act happy because I know she hates it. lol

    Keep up the good work and I hope your Dad will be ok. Hugs to you!

  • DesirousOfChange

    I applaud you for "taking the high road"!

    Somehow, ex-JWs always seem to be "better" people than many JWs that I know.

  • Incognito


    I'm relieved that you're more at ease in your position and the responsibility your dad appointed you to and which you agree'd to accept.

    While you may consider you are taking on an unfair portion of responsibility, I suggest not being too quick to suggest your sister be involved.

    Often, parents think that appointing their children as co-workers (example: Co-Power of Attorney, Co-Estate Executors etc) is a method to treat their children equally. In actuality, as none can act without consent of the other(s), there are often delays or little is accomplished or, one person does the bulk of the work even though they are all appointed equally. Typically fighting results, sometimes resulting in hard feelings for the remainder of their lives.

    It's always best to have one clearly defined person responsible who can act quickly if necessary. As he has already appointed you, it appears your father has already recognized you to be reliable and level headed, and trusts you will act in his best interests.

  • Unstuck

    Good point incognito. I would not agree to a dual arrangement. I know that wouldn't work. I suppose I'm feeling that the playing field has changed a bit with me being inactive and maybe all I need is reassurance that he wants me to continue. Years ago, I did have Power of Attorney but that lapsed when they moved to another state. However all of his other documents name me as next of kin so when things happen it's me who gets the calls and who makes the decisions. The time has certainly come to formalise it again and I want to have that discussion when he is well enough to have it

  • Awakenednow

    Dear Unstuck, remarkedly im in the same situation with my dad and sister. I can tell you that it's the first time I've spoken or seen my sister in 6 years since becoming "inactive". My dads situation was months in the hospital and both she and I were able to work together helping dad. I'm very grateful for the cooperation as it makes a difficult situation much easier. Initially our meeting was strained, but now we are managing a somewhat emotionally distant but sisterly relationship in spite of the dissonance. Keep doing what you are doing honoring your dad, loyally and lovingly caring for him. The hospital staff's response to your caring for your dad may have a positive affect on her to the point she could at least acknowledge you to be a good person and not deserving death by angelic execution. What was good for me is having reacquainted with her side of the family, I realize I'm just fine and happy where I am and I'm not longing for that relationship as she/they are anymore so entrenched in the religion. It's like they have a 'stepford wife syndrome"; very surreal and kinda freaky. Smh. Wishing your dad a complete recovery and to tell you to hang in there and just be yourself. My kids always say, "mom, just do you". Great advice and so I'm humbly passing it along. All the best!

  • Awakenednow

    P.s. It is a stupid shunning thing!

  • Unstuck

    Hi All - UPDATE TIME!

    So Dad is actually doing quite well. He's home now about eight weeks, I've managed to get a home care package set up and he has carers coming Monday to Friday. I'm taking him to doctor's appointments, have taken over managing h
    is finances and am supporting him financially to the value of about $150/wk. I tell you this not to "blow my own trumpet" but to give you context to what has happened this week. (Although I know that here is a safe place to sing my praises if I want to!!) He's ok (kinda) with my, shall we call it "inactivity"? He doesn't know I don't believe anymore and given the complex circumstances it is probably better that way, for now.

    Anyhoo - Dad agreed with my plan to get Power of Attorney and Enduring Guardianship and we went to a local lawyer to get it organised. Dad and I decided to make my sister alternate (not co-joint!) attorney and guardian if something were to happen to me. We felt that this would include her and that if she didn't want to be included, well then, we would just proceed without her. So we executed the documents three weeks ago and our lawyer sends them off to my sister to get her to sign them - she lives about 1,700kms away.

    This Monday I contact the lawyer to find out how we are going with the docs. Surprise, surprise - they've not had a response. So they contact her - she doesn't answer the call, they leave a voicemail. 30 minutes later they receive an email from her and they forward it to me - enjoy this little lovely item (which I've de-identified):

    "Dear Sir/Madam,

    I refer to your above client and note receipt of documentation in relation to 'Power of Attorney & Appointment of Enduring Guardian'.

    As this matter was never fully discussed with both me and my husband in any real detail by either "Dad's name" ( and never once discussed with us by "my name"), we are unable at this point to sign the papers. We are also seeking legal advice in relation to this and have been advised that due to "dad" being released from hospital only a week before instructing your firm about the appointment of an Enduring Guardian, and also that he is on regular pain medication, that this appointment would be invalid in Court due to these circumstances. I will have our legal representation draft a letter of reply regarding our concerns about this appointment and my apparent substitute appointment.

    I also instruct that any future contact with both myself or my husband, should be conducted via email for legal purposes so we can place all correspondence on file.

    Yours faithfully,"

    So there you have it. Now we have to pay more legal fees because my sister wants to fight a fight that doesn't actually exist!

    Dad took the news quite well. He is very grateful for the help we are providing and he feels that my sister is not well to be so spiteful.

    I'm doing ok with it all - I actually think it is funny becuase it is so stupid and my sister is going to end up looking like the fool just cos she has it in for me. It's sad really......

    Love and light to all,

    Mwah - Unstuck

  • stuckinarut2


    Simply preposterous!

    The sister has never once put her hand in her pocket to help financially. Never once visited her father when was on his death bed.

    Never phoned her sister to discuss matters. Never even answered the multiple calls made to her.

    Not shown any interest in her father's care...and now wants to object to the outstanding steps taken and care procedures implemented by her sister!

    Let me tell you all, Unstuck has been modest in the reciting of all she has been doing (while also holding down a 70 hour a week full time job mind you). This for a man who has not been a great father over the years. However he is very appreciative of all that is now being done for him.

  • stuckinarut2

    And, the objections unstuck's sister made were entirely innacurate too!

    She has grossly got the timing of matters wrong, and accused her father of being in a drugged stupor. All of which is just not correct!

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