This post is going to be somewhat disconnected, my apologies...
For the first time in a long while, I'm really mad at this organzition. You know, I had lost a lot of my "bitterness" a few months ago when I started to absorb myself in other activities. Lately, I feel like I've had a "delayed reaction" of sorts when it comes to my association with the JWs. It's a strange combination of anger, sadness, frustration and grief.
I'm twenty six years old and I feel like a teenager just out of high school with no where to go. That's sad.
My family is lost to this cult. I have three contacts in my life: my mother, my best friend and an ex-JW I correspond with from another state. I am really starting to get burned out. The loneliness and frustration at not being able to speak my mind (my mom's a JW, but to keep peace we don't bring this stuff up) is starting to really wear on me. I'm in college right now but am aggrevated that I should be [i]teaching[/i] the course instead of listening to it as a second-year undergrad.
It's funny. I have not so much as a shred of doubt that this is not "the true religion" or anything like that. I can pick up the latest WT, read it and either laugh or get angry at the bullsh!t passed off as "spiritual food." I'm comfortable about my decision to leave, and equally comfortable about not being part of any religion at all. I guess it's the subtle things that I'm starting to notice now. I don't know if anybody knows what I'm talking about, but there are just these subtle little reminders that I once was a JW. I almost cannot put it into words, it's just this lingering feeling. I don't judge the people around me at all, but I cannot shake the fact that I feel I'm different in some way, like I'm seperate. It's weird.
I really miss being part of a group. I miss talking to older people and little kids. For as much as this is a half-brain organization full of desperate people, I still miss the interaction. I miss saturday get-togethers with a group of people who share the same interests as I. This sounds so haughty, but I miss being looked up to. I have no desire to join a church (Christianity is nonsense, imho), but I must say that social cohesion is something they have that I desperately lack.
I should stop where I'm at. Remember the Godfather when Vito Corleone's godson is crying on his shoulder saying "What should I do? What should I do?" What did Marlon Brando say? "Well, you could start acting like a man!" slapping him to his feet. I need to be tough, but it's a whirlpool of frustration sometimes.
Forgive my rambling...not a good day.