Still do not know where I fit in the picture.....

by LyinEyes 28 Replies latest jw friends

  • COMF

    I remember the feeling, Lyin'. I don't feel that way any more, but I once did, not so long ago (I've been out since 1987).

    It's not "find yourself", it's "love yourself."

  • outoftheorg

    Yeah folks I felt what most of you said you are feeling. It takes some time and then for me it took some work on this subject.

    I had to work so that took up a good part of my day. At one point I worked a full time and part time job to stay busy and get caught up financially.

    Then after a few years I set out to make some changes in my life. In my case I remarried a (worldly) girl and this helped lead me into the normal things that most (non jw) people do. Mixed in with her family and friends. Of course, one need not marry to do this. It works with (worldly again) friends. I found this thing of making friends, took some effort and getting used to the accepted social actions. I still to this day work on this.

    Now every night before I go to sleep, I ponder how much better my life is now and the new and fun things I was never allowed to or didn't have the time for as a jw. I make it a point to honestly, quietly chuckle to myself over this change for the good. Versus what my life used to be. I purposly recall all the good things in life and dwell on this for a time.

    I also remind myself of how life was in the borg and how I hated it. It seems that the human mind prefers to dwell on the sorrow or losses or tensions of life, if left to itself. So I make it an every day thing, to remind myself of how things are now. I find joy in pondering the fact that I am alive and try to live every day with some time out for fun and association with others.

    I take notice if I am doing something the wbts forbids and make sure to chuckle to myself about this.

    What are these things? Well a good cigar is one. Attending a parade or school sports event and saluting the flag is another. Talking politics and voting is one. Flying the US flag out front is another. There are a few that make me blush and I won't note them here. He He. But I take note of all these NORMAL things that normal people do and again I point these things out to myself and chuckle.

    If one has young children or grand children, this can be an enormous source of love and laughter and fun. Activly seek out the good things in life and downplay the sorrow or missed opportunities of the past as we live our everyday lives. Use them only as guide lines for today, so as to not be caught up in any other cult.

    It won't happen overnight but in time the sorrow will diminish, a little at a time. it will come sooner if we work at fitting in and living life to its fullest.

    It really upsets me and brings tears to see so many here suffering due to having been trapped in the wbts cult of jw's.

    I wish to all of you the very best in love-happiness-and good times for the future. You deserve it all.


  • SheilaM

    Dede: I'm sure Thunder will be able to tell you how he feels much better.

    I do feel weird many, many days. I try really hard to try on the holidays but I feel so lost without any other family to back us up. It's always just Thunder and I and the kids but yesterday Anthony spent all day at his girlfriends and Mel came by for just awhile.

    I was filling out Anthony's announcements and we only needed like 20. I didn't bother sending one to my Dad, he didn't go to my daughters and it would be just like him to go to Anthony's just to hurt her. My sister better come she did everything for Melanie but to everyone it was as if Anthony wasn't important.

    I digress sorry....Yes, I do feel lost and empty many times and confused

  • wednesday

    DeDe, i know what u mean by a connection with God. I had been inactive and stopped reading anything for years now. i am really just starting to feel connected with God again.I now can talk to Him anytime i wish. I still call Him Jehovah. For me i was so sad and lonely, being pushed out of the org and with no place to go. For years i tired to stay faithful, and the last 2 years i have been praying so hard to find someting. Then i found Silent lambs, and this site.I have not met anyone in person, but i feel good here. From the beginnning i have told everyone that where i lived felt like purgutory. The holidays are hard. I always wanted to celebrate as a witness, and actually did celebrate a few. One xmas traditon i have started is we watch"It's a wonderful Life" and also " a christmas Tuna"(for those in texas, u may know what that is).I actually do feel all warm and fuzzy around some of the holidays.If i can ever get my husbands support-i know i can make the transition.he's your average witness -hates all holidays and is very anti everything.So i have a real challenge. I talked to my therapist about my changing felings about religion and he said that all people get to a point in their life that they question their religion .The jws made us feel like we had all the answeres and were a part of a special group. but reality is we don't know everything, and all men are equal before God. My husband says nature helps him draw close to God. for there u see God's creations. Growing things, and living creatures. I agreee with him. I do feel closer to God while out in nature. doing good works toward others, helping the needy, all those help me draw close to God. U are already ahread of so many. u have a loving family and that helps a lot. personally i do not think it hurts to talk to a therapist about things like this. Mine has given me a lot of help. I do not feel so loney anymore. once my doctor told me, 'fake it until u make it' perhaps u can just start praying. It may not feel naturel at first, but just keep on. that is what i did. i just kept praying until eventually that closeness came back. weds

  • DJ


    I'm glad that you had a better day today. Sometimes keeping busy is all that it takes. I moved shortly after leaving the jw's and i felt much better but then my dad got sick and everything changed again. It's always something.... I wanted to let you know that I could totally relate to your feelings on Sunday. I used to feel exactly the same way. I was maybe, even worse than you. I constantly felt lost and I never had a normal day for a long time. I cried, I was angry, I steared clear of the bible. Everyone looked so happy in their little world while I just watched and wondered if I would ever feel happy again. I was so lost, it was painful. Sometimes, I wanted to pray but I didn't know exactly who I was praying to anymore and I was afraid that He might not listen anyway since I no longer trusted the jw's. There was a part of me that.....even though I knew they were wrong......there was still this lingering doubt about whether I did the right thing or not by leaving. I would start to pray and stop. I always thought about it. I wanted to find out what was right. I wanted to have that connection that I had when I thought I knew God. I was utterly lost. So, yes I know what you mean. I was consumed with it. I am much better now, not 100% but let's say 99.99%. I won't tell you to seek or to pray about it because you said not to but I think that you will in time. No one with a longing like ours will leave it unfullfilled for too long. You are going to be ok. love, dj

  • Big Tex
    Big Tex

    Dede, sweetie I understand. I don't have any answers, only my experience. I too do not want to join another religion. But at the same time I still believe in God. I don't know if his name is Jehovah, although sometimes I still call him that (old habits). Personally I found a way through silence. Just finding a quiet place and just talking to God. I don't know if he really is listening, or if he's even there. But I choose to believe and I do have a certain sense of peace about him. There are a lot of things I'm letting slide (armageddon, afterlife, biblical accuracy) right now, but I feel good about where I'm at.

    To my way of thinking God knows what I've gone through in my life (and yours too). Given those experiences he knows what I'm capable of and what I'm not. I know in my heart I'm doing the best I can with my life and if God wants more out of me, or wants me to come to believe a certain thing or go to a certain building to worship him, then he needs to let me know in such a way that I would understand. If he doesn't, then I let all of that go. I think I am showing more trust and faith now than I ever did as a pioneer or MS.

    If I were to give you any advice it would be to calm your mind, find a quiet place and just talk to him, like you used to. And let the rest go for now.

  • fairy

    the land of limbo - i know that place very well......i lived in limbo for 10 yrs, not knowing what to do, not knowing how to live.....not knowing how to do normal everyday things......but things have slightly changed and i have made a concerted effort to live my life..for me, it wasnt a easy thing to do..the witness thing is always somewhere in the back of the mind.....well, sometimes anyway...god is always there for you, i believe there is a god.....i just think about the things i did when i was a witness...selling things just to go to an assembly just so people wouldnt talk, and also borrowing money to go...then you would have to buy new clothes to go and the list goes on...i am at peace with myself more now than i use to be...slowly getting happier as i go along.

  • DFWnonJW

    It still amazes me to come on here and see that there are so many of us that feel so similar. What struck me was Dede's comment about things feeling so surreal. Ditto here. I feel completely disconnected from virtually everything. Even from one moment to the next there is often no continuity, just going through the motions on autopilot and feeling like I have no control over anything.

    For me, unlike so many of you, I never was the perfect witness. Never wanted to be. Rather, I was forced into the acting the role but from such a young age that all the conditioning is deeply imbeded (like one of Pavlov's Witnesses as it were). So, I too can't fit in anywhere. There's simply no real connection and any 'friendships' I have are ....oh, wait, I don't HAVE any friendships anymore! Not even the superficial ones....I digress....Even at the Dallas apostafest there were many I wanted to meet but I'm not too good in social situations so I let opportunities slip away, not knowing what to say other than 'Hi'.

    So I guess I just wanted to say I feel a lot of what you all feel and just hope that life gets better for you all in whatever direction you go.

  • LyinEyes

    It is truly amazing how much we all feel the same, in varing degrees.

    I know alot of the last year and a half, I have in away isolated myself from others, people in real life. I guess I didnt want to make friends again and lose them. I even didnt go to my in laws as much , I just felt so different from so many people.

    I have met two real nice girls who live just 15 minutes from me who also go dancing when we do and we have been getting to know each other over the winter. We have talked about getting our kids together and spending some time visiting, watching movies or sitting outside drinking a cold one to get to know each other better. We know alot of the same people and get along pretty good. It was a leap of faith so to speak to actually initiate a friendship that will be more than just meeting up at the dance club.

    I think the human connection, the feeling of community also makes you feel good about yourself because in this way we are able to do for others, by being friends , being there when they need us etc. I still believe there is more happiness in givng than receiving. But with friends the wonderful thing is , you usually will receive as much as you give, even if not expected.

    Hey DFW, non JW,,, the hubby WildTurkey may be working in Dallas this week,,,,,,,will let yall know, I may come over to visit him not this weekend but next and maybe we can have a smaller gathering , go out to dinner and get to know each other better. I will keep you informed, and even if you were quiet DFW, you were sweet , and smiled the whole time,,,,,,,, it was a bit overwhelming for alot of us, so many people, but it was so wonderful to soak it all in. Hope to get to meet more of the crew from Dallas in the next few months since we will be there more........hugs and hope to see you all soon...........................................Dede

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