Still do not know where I fit in the picture.....

by LyinEyes 28 Replies latest jw friends

  • LyinEyes

    Today is Easter Sunday, my younger kids went with cousins to hunt for eggs. I saw many people out and about in their Sunday finest with family going to church......... I go to the grocery store in my Hooter's Tshirt........,, it's Wilds and I forgot I had it on,,,, really!! I just feel kind of strange today,,,,, like I am in a freaky dream,, like that darn Vanilla Sky movie,,,,,,things feel surreal at times.

    I know it takes time after leaving the borg to find your place,,,,,,,,,but I am wondering if I will ever feel differently than I do now? I can't put my true heart into celebrating Xmas, or Easter,,,,,,these religious holidays mean nothing to me. Nothing religious means anything to me anymore, and I really hate that feeling.

    I was driving in the truck with the windows down today, looking at the sky and remembering how I used to use times like that to pray to Jehovah. I used to feel He was always there,,,,,,,now I don't. I really do miss Him,,,,,,,,,,to me he wasnt always the Jehovah that only watched for me to do wrong,,,,,,many times in my life , He was all I had,,,the only place , person to turn to. I just feel a void right now.

    It is hard to explain and I know many will tell me to be patient , that God is there, that there is no God and I need to find myself,,,etc. I am not really posting this for answers ,,,,,,,,,,,,just wondering if any of you feel this way too?

    I don't fit in with being JW anymore that is for sure,,,,,,,,,but I dont feel like my neighbors who are going on with their lives as they have always known it to be. I feel like I am waiting on something, but I dont know what. I feel Iike , what I am waiting for, will never come ,and how will I deal with that? Sometimes I really just feel tired of feeling stuck in this limbo land,,,,,,I miss some of my old JW fake security,,,I have to be honest,,,,,,,,, I was naive and yeah miserable most of the time, but I always felt I knew what was going to happen in the end. Even thou I am glad to be free, glad to have knowledge ,I dont feel secure anymore. I am beginning to think that this might be the place I will stay in for the rest of my days, which isnt all that bad, dont get me wrong, but still it feels like a dream, not good , not bad , just weird.

    Do any of you feel this way?

  • Satanus

    You mention the feeling waiting for something to happen. I know this feeling. In the wt we always were reminded of things to do. The absence of those reminders leaves a sort of void. The stresses also leaves ptsd (post traumatic stress disorder) in some.

    In short, i think it is freedom that you are experiencing. It can be freaky.


    ps, you may be imagining that you need to join what is going on; easter or whatever.

  • Swan


    Don't sweat it. You don't know what you believe, and that's okay considering what you've been through. I felt this way too when I first left the Borg. Give yourself time and don't worry about it. Eventually it will fall into place what you really believe as opposed to what you were pushed into believing. In the meantime, it's okay to feel lost. Just know that it won't always be this way.


  • manon

    Yes, I know exactly how you feel. When I left the org I left behind everything familiar everything I grew up believing in and understanding. I didn't know how to be anything other than a Jehovahs Witness. I had been a christian all my life. My brother and sister looked down upon my choice not wanting to follow in their footsteps choosing instead to follow my mother down the path of iniquity.

    It was terribly difficult I closed myself off I didn't want to believe in anything anymore I didn't want to pray, read scriptures or anything I associated my spirituality with being a JW.

    Give yourself the space you need. Healing takes time you made a life altering choice. Listen to your inner voice it will guide you and help you navigate through the rough waters.

  • pr_capone

    Hey Dede, I am in the exact same place. When I celebrated Christmas last December I really enjoyed it. Unfortunately, it had no meaning to me whatsoever other than spending time with family and friends. There was no greater meaning to it. It wasnt about the birth of Jebus or anything else.

    I attend Catholic mass every once in a LONG while and I feel nothing there either. I certainly will never be a dub again but I feel like I am missing out on something. I used to pray for no reason and I felt reassured just like you. I dont even pray anymore... hell.... I dont believe in God and Jesus anymore.

    Just like you I see all these people who are celebrating easter, Christmas, and all these religious holidays and I honestly get depressed. I remember a time when I was filled with love of God and would have enjoyed doing those things for the right reasons... to commemorate specific events. I see them now and I almost feel sick to my stomach. I get to feeling quite alone because it almost seems like I am the only one who feels like I do.

    I dont know if I will ever find a love for God again, I dont know if I will even ever believe in him again. I dont know if I will ever be religious again. I simply dont know. I just dont think about it and when I do, I try to make it go away.

    May not be the healthiest thing to do but its what I do to cope. I think that someday will come and I will be right with God again, whomever she is. :D Until then, I will plod on... glad to know that I am not the only one who feels this way.

    Kansas District Overbeer

  • Gopher

    My two cents:

    I don't know if it's my JW upbringing, but even now (as a non-religious person), I separate out God from the holidays. I believe there is a creator, but to me the holidays are more about getting together with friends and / or relatives and eating and sharing the times together.

    Some holidays I'm invited to share with my sister's family and we do stuff together, other times not. The only things I do regularly now are x-mas and birthdays.

    Having grown up in the Borg, I have absolutely no emotional attachment to the holidays that appear on the calendar. If other people are celebrating them and having the time of their life, I absolutely don't care if I happen to be off doing my own little thing. If they want to celebrate, with or without me, either way is fine.

    The most important thing is to have friends and family to be close to when you need them, and not just on certain days marked in "red" on the calendar.

  • Xena

    Yea I know how you feel DeDe...I don't feel like I belong in the JW world anymore, but I don't really belong in the "wordly" world either. lol perhaps that is why we spend so much time here, it's one place we feel comfortable.

    When I am with people who were never dubs I realize how different I am from them in some ways...I don't have the same life experiences as a lot of them...never been to a Prom...never played sports or went to sporting events...never voted or got involved in any "issues"...never went to may things never done or experience that I can never get back.

    Had to explain to someone that I don't really know how to "do" doesn't that just make you feel like a freak?

    And honestly this easter was nice, but I am with you, my heart just isn't in it...I go thru the motions for my daughter, I don't want her to grow up and be a freak like her mom...

    Gee girl are we screwed up for life????

  • JamesThomas

    LyinEyes, I think that when we were Witnesses, life had a deeper meaning and purpose. We were part of something big: God's grand plan. Now that's gone, and there is a hole. We can not just fill our emptiness with what seems to interests and gives meaning to others. Those things leave us cold. They seem so trivial compared to what we thought we once had. The most painful part can be that now we have no God, no central point of meaning or reference. With nothing to fall back on, we feel fragile and frightened, and without a home. A weird and confusing place to be all alone. Is there another way? Is there a way of being that is fulfilling? Can this dehydrating little fish make it back to the ocean? For some it is clear that searching outside of us, in religions and belief systems is not going to work....been there, done that. There is really only one place left to turn. A 180! We will not find outside of us what we fail to first find inside. Wouldn't it be funny, if the wholeness, the meaning, the sense of divine Presence even, where found waiting inside? Within our own consciousness. Right here. Right now. A good place to find some gentle guidance, that will direct you not into new beliefs or mental concepts, but within the living truth within your own self is a book by Eckhart Tolle, The Power of Now. Check it out at Amazon. There are a ton of personal reviews. JamesT

  • Pistoff

    I sympathize with you......I have gotten through not being sure; though I was really helped by the recovery concept of a higher power. Even when active as a dub I was in recovery and their concept of God is what each person finds it to be. This idea slowly dawned on me as being the truest way to find belief; I really do believe that he/she is different to each one of us, even though it may produce the same results--happier, kinder, etc..... keep breathing, put one foot in front of the other, and one day you will feel it.

  • jgnat

    Dede, I still have trouble around Easter. Let me know if you relate to some of my feelings. I think the trouble stems from not having a foundation of tradition and memories around the Easter holidays that have significance for me. My old church, just like the JW's, frowned on the whole easter bunny-egg thing as pagan. Instead, we treated ourselves to a drama reenacting Jesus' death and resurrection. His death still makes me cry. I guess I could watch the drama again, but I am more in the mood to celebrate. And I have decided that chocolate eggs and bunnies are harmless. But without a foundation of memories and traditions, I feel adrift.

    I think I know what the cure is. Develop a brand new set of traditions that give me and my family pleasure. The joy on my Naomi's face was priceless as she opened her little basket. I forgot to hide the eggs, so she hid them instead. My honey saw where, and teased her all night that he would take them. Keeping him away from her eggs occupied her for most of the night. I had my children over for dinner. I guess the meal was non-traditional (potatoes, turkey breasts and vegetable slouvlaki) but it was tasty. Naomi entertained herself by spearing the vegetables she didn't like and waving them around like little flags.

    I might just incorporate a lovely family tradition shared here, where a mother told her son she would always be there for him, as they gazed at the full moon. After all, isn't that what Jesus wanted to tell his dear friends as they ate their last meal together, that he would always be there for them?

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