College, Working and Kids: Is it Possible?

by StinkyPantz 22 Replies latest social family

• 

  Scully

  I had children young. I was a little younger than you when I had my first. I didn't finish college the first time around. I had to work at low-paying jobs. It wasn't cost-effective for us to have me return to work once we had the baby - child care is very costly. So I stayed home, and put my "career" on hold. Made a couple of more babies in the meantime.

  After the third, I realized that if anything ever happened to their father or if I ended up having to raise them alone, I would not have the skills or the income to give them a decent life. I went back to school full time for three years, with student loans and bursaries (kind of like scholarships) to make things easier. It was hard, HARD, HARD work. Even if my husband had been completely supportive of this venture (which he was not) it still would have been HARD WORK. But I'm a stubborn old bird and once I've made my mind up to get something done, I have to see it through to completion. And none of this half-assed stuff with Cs and Ds and barely passing by the skin of my teeth.... NO WAY! it was 4.0 GPA and nothing less for me. When my husband would complain about my studying, I'd ask him "When you go to the hospital next time and you need a shot of pain killers in your ass, do you want the nurse who barely passed? or the nurse who was at the top of her class?" (No I did not have a minor in poetry ) Would I do it again? It was really worth it, to me, so yes, I would. Could I do it again? I don't know about that....

  I can understand the callings of your biological gong, but it will be easier, both for you and your family (whatever size it may be) if you finish your schooling - get your Bachelor's degree at least first. Take a year off from studying, save up some money, and then revisit the issue of having children. If your husband isn't ready right now, and you have children without his complete support, he'll be resentful and that's not a great start to family life. You are still very early in your fertile years - in my practice, I see women in their late 30s and early 40s having their first babies - and they are ready to take a sabbatical from their careers and be completely devoted to their babies. Many of them also have the life skills to have a career from home if they so desire.

  I can tell you from personal experience that the ticking of your biological clock will quiet itself. It tends to go in cycles. When both you and your husband are ready to embark on this adventure together, you'll make great parents.

  Love, Scully
• 

  StinkyPantz

  Thank you for your comments RN and Scully. I'll keep your comments in mind.
• 

  SheilaM

  If having children means I can not continue with furthering my educational and career aspects then children will wait. I want them very badly, don't get me wrong; but I fear that since I have done nothing other than waitressing, the money just won't be where I want it to be in order to give my children the lifestyle that I think they deserve.

  Stinky: Careers come and go but there is no guarantee that one can "wait" to have a child. The body doesn't always comply. From my experience hun, money doesn't mean anything to a child. Thunder and I had very little money when the kids were young. But love goes a long way the kids never knew by the time they were old enough I was back to work and all the remember is Mommy stayed home with us. I had never done anything but waitress also but the first job I got was very lucrative. I have seen to many people feel that a full degree is the only way unless you are Doctor attorney etc. Many times brains over rules paper.

  I just want you to see there are other ways and hope what ever you choose it goes well for you.
• 

  Francois

  I think that in general people have no idea how your life changes after having a child. It changes in ways you'd never expect nor dream of. I mean, just as a simple example, in order to run down to the corner store for a quart of milk, you have to pack up like you're moving to Seattle.

  And this beautiful baby, who is utterly helpless, depending on you for its very life, is a part you both you and your husband. Your love for it will supercede any emotion you've ever known; it can become all-consuming. Attempting to do a serious job in college becomes secondary.

  I guess what I'm saying, Stinky, is that you cannot give either activity (college nor raising a child) the attention they deserve. It's like kissing while driving. Neither activity receives the care nor quality they each deserve.

  My take is to wait. You will still be young enough not to have to worry about producing a child with Down Syndrome, and they do tend to keep you young.

  And remember, too, that you can join extra-curricular activities much easier when you have no children. I could see you getting involved in the forensic group in a flash. Your love of debate would be a welcome addition to such a group, and it would hone your latent and unpolished debating ability to a deadly sharpness.

  Do both. Separately. Therefore you will do both well. You won't regret it.

  francois
• 

  Sara Annie

  Hi Stinky-

  My husband and I are nine years apart as well, adds one more wrinkle into the mix when starting a family, doesn't it?

  First of all, good for you for putting some thought into your future and for thinking ahead before making any life-changing decisions. I applaud your ability to lay out your situation logically, and then attempt to fit your decisions into your long-term goals and plans. This is a great first step toward planning a family and still achieving your educational and financial goals. My best advice for you is to weigh all of the evidence, come to a decision, go for it, and then take your carefully considered and structured plan, crumple it up into a ball, and try for two points in the trash can in the corner of the room! :)

  Just kidding. Sort of. You can achieve everything you want for yourself and your family, no question. You can have a child, go to college, work and have a successful marriage all at once. I am working on a post graduate degree right now, have two children, a demanding job and a great husband. I remember tackling these same issues before we had our first child, and I had a pretty good idea of what I wanted to achieve, and how I wanted to get there. Now, almost eight years later, I have the things I wanted and am achieving what I set out to do, but I made serious alterations to my original plan, and my goals changed considerably in the years following my original decisions. As my children grew, so did I, and I found that what I wanted 2, 5, even 8 years ago grew and changed with all of us. The fact that I'm not exactly where I thought I would be 8 years ago doesn't matter, because I have found out that I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be. And it's a pretty cool place.

  What I'm really saying is that if you weigh all of the options and decide whether or not to have a child, your life will almost certainly not go exactly the way you planned it anyway! Not only will the addition of a child into your lives create a whole new series of choices for you, but you will change in the next several years too--you'll find that your plans and goals will change, and you'll alter your plan accordingly. I once read a great analogy about having children that has always stuck with me. You start your life at the end of a hallway with an endless series of open doors before you, representing all of the experiences possible in your lifetime. Your life is an absolute clean slate, and you can choose any door you like. But with each door you choose, other doors will be closed and locked as a result. No doubt about it, having children closes a lot of doors for you. Never again will you be able to make decisions without considering how they will affect this new human being you're responsible for. You'll never watch any news story again without thinking "What if that were my child?" You can't pick up at a moment's notice and run off to surf in Mexico, or buy a two door car :). But not having children closes an equal number of doors. You'll never see your child look at you and know that you're the most important person in their world. You'll never swell with pride as you watch your children make their own good decisions, or pick them up after they've made bad ones. You'll never learn to love your husband all over again in his role as a father. You just need to pick a door and walk through it.

  You'll make the choice you think is right based on all the information you have. And then you'll revisit what you need and want based on what is right you afterwards. Good luck! It's one heck of a ride...
• 

  StinkyPantz

  SheilaM-

  Careers come and go

  This isn't always the case. The job I want is in demand right now, and the pay is quite nice. Five years from now it might not be and then where would I be? Unhappyland, that's where.

  but there is no guarantee that one can "wait" to have a child. The body doesn't always comply.

  Honestly, if I had to choose, I'd probably choose to have a career. I don't want to resent my children for taking away or significantly putting off my goals. The thing is, I'm an optimistic over-planner and I think I can have my cake and eat it too, otherwise what's the point of having the cake .

  From my experience hun, money doesn't mean anything to a child.

  Not having money can affect children no matter how much love you shower upon them. They might want for things they'll never get. Other kids might ridicule them for not dressing a certain way or not having certain things. They'll want toys and to go out, and if money's tight, they might not get it. Both my husband and I grew up poor and it sucked. My parent's loved me to death and I don't resent them for being poor, but it DID affect me. Love doesn't pay the bills.

  I had never done anything but waitress also but the first job I got was very lucrative.

  You do realize that you're lucky. A degree is a better guarantee than luck.

  Francois-

  people have no idea how your life changes after having a child.

  I know this is true.

  you cannot give either activity (college nor raising a child) the attention they deserve. It's like kissing while driving. Neither activity receives the care nor quality they each deserve.

  I disagree. I am a very dedicated person. Moreso than most honestly. I'm not saying that things will be perfect or easy, but I think that starting a career and motherhood will be harder than having a child and school. School in general is a breeze for me. I am an excellent student. I've seen less dedicated people make it.

  My take is to wait. You will still be young enough not to have to worry about producing a child with Down Syndrome, and they do tend to keep you young.

  I appreciate your words. MY age isn't what I worry about. My husband's yes. If we wait until I get me Master's, he'll be 40, which means by the time I have our second child, he'll be 45; which means that when the second kid is 10 and wants to play ball or be active with his dad, Jon'll be 55!! That ain't cool!

  Sara Annie-

  You are wonderful, ya know that?

  My best advice for you is to weigh all of the evidence, come to a decision, go for it, and then take your carefully considered and structured plan, crumple it up into a ball, and try for two points in the trash can in the corner of the room!

  I know this'll happen . My husband says that my best and worst quality is that I over-plan.

  You can achieve everything you want for yourself and your family, no question. You can have a child, go to college, work and have a successful marriage all at once.

  I think so too.
• 

  xjw_b12

  Hey SP Nice to know a little more about you.

  I didn't read the rest of the replies ( except for Scully's )

  Here is the my guy's opinion. CJ had her first when she was 21. Our second was born when she was 32, and our son at 34.

  Though I had nothing to do with the " creation " of our first....( I adopted her, when CJ and I got married ) I always put CJ off when she talked about having more children. Then one day it happened, and I was so joyful, at having a baby, that I "tricked " CJ into having another.

  It's been great, but trying. Having kids later in life is a lot more trying I think.....and I'm the dad, not the mom. We should be relaxing a bit more, and spending more time together. Instead we are thrust back into parenthood. Don't get me wrong here. We are enjoying it to the fullest, but after 18 years of marriage, I would like to spend more time with my soulmate. ( isn't that so 70ish )

  My suggestion to anyone who is planning a lifetime together is...have them young, and then get them the hell out of the house.

  For a bit of humour on kids check this out http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/18/50338/1.ashx

  Regards dave
• 

  StinkyPantz

  xjw_b12-

  My suggestion to anyone who is planning a lifetime together is...have them young, and then get them the hell out of the house.

  I couldn't agree more. My mother was 31 when she had me and 42, when she had my lil brother. She said that 10 years is a big deal when it comes to having kids. She says that she wishes she hadn't had me so late, let alone my brother. The energy just isn't as abundant when your in your 40s like Jon will be if we wait.
• 

  AlanF

  This is an extremely hard question to answer and there are no single answers that fit everyone. It really depends on on any number factors that no one besides you can know. You yourself won't even know all the factors, and whatever you know now will, as Sara Annie said, change.

  Children are at the same time the most rewarding, and challenging, things you'll ever deal with. Once you have a baby in hand, you may find that your career plans go out the window. That happened with my sister-in-law, who started having strong feelings of having a baby around age 35, when she was doing postdoctoral work. It took another three years, and lots of money spent on in-vitro fertilization, to have a baby. By that time she wanted nothing more to do with academia or working, and so has spent the last three years at home taking care of the kid. She has no regrets about the career 'change', which is a drastic change from when she was working hard on her degree.

  My wife quit the JWs at age 31, divorced her abusive husband, and went to college. She had two boys, aged 5 and 9. She got various kinds of financial aid, including loans (we just paid off the last one a month ago), and worked about 30 hours a week for the next five years, until she finished her degree in journalism. She figures it was a lot better than anything else she could have done.

  As for having a baby to deal with while going to college, that's a whole lot different from having children of school age. Your emotions will be in that "mom with baby" stage and you have no idea until you get there what that will mean for your career plans or for life generally.

  Given your own strength and the experience of others, you have a real good chance of doing everything you want. You'll work harder and be more exhausted than you ever thought possible. It'll be worth it. But know that when you have that baby, everything may change.

  AlanF
• 

  RAYZORBLADE

  Hey Stinkypantz, whatever you and your husband decide upon, I support your decision either way.

  Only one thing? Can I be the honourary Canadian uncle ?

  I make great pancakes!

  I wish you both the best. I think you're one very unique young woman, and I'm confident that'll you weigh all the variables and make the wisest choice.

  One positive note, we know your children will NOT be JWs, and for that, I'm most thankful.