A poem, remembering child abuse
A beautiful expression of an ugly past I am sorry to hear of the horrible things that you have been through...You know that you are always welcome to vent and express your self here and we love you for that. Many, many hugs to you !!!!
i looked at the picture of the little girl who seemed so innocent and vulnerable.
i read about your slow and gradual process of coming to terms with what has happened to you. any abuse, and any degree of abuse is wrong. i can sense and relate to your pain, anger, confusion, frustration. there are many common threads in our stories.
to have the love of your father and then be denied it is so unfair, so cruel. yet it is a miracle of human nature that we can learn to give to ourselves what we were denied, and what we have lost. it is a miracle that we can forgive. it is a miracle that we can heal.
so i take comfort in your own description of yourself -- stubborn, strong willed. im glad that you are feisty and determined. these qualities serve you well. i know you will continue your journey with spirit. i know you will be (are) ok.
im glad you have friends and support here. you have shown us the best truest meaning of SURVIVOR.
my best wishes with love, nowisee
It's okay Dede. I understand.
Go at your own speed, but fight the shame. It's there to keep you quiet.
Thanks for understanding Big Tex, and thanks to all that replied to me,,,,,,, just letting a few hear what I had to say made me feel really good.
I just panicked again, and took it off,,,,,,,,,, I can talk about alot of things, but you just dont know how many times I have wrote a post about child abuse ,,,,,,,,,only to erase it later. I don't know why I do that,,,,,,,, but I guess it is just so raw, and painful and yeah,,,,,,Big Tex said it,,,,,, I feel the shame. I know I shouldnt but, I feel so vulnerable . I guess also I am afraid of what people will think of me, I am always afraid to be misunderstood and I dont want anyone to think I want pity......... if that makes any sense. I have a hard time , when it comes to this issue , when someone wants to send me a cyber hug or kind words , I feel like I dont deserve it really, because others have been thru so much worse.
But I do appreciate what everyone has said, and I will keep it in my heart. I hope the others understand and are not mad at me for taking what I wrote off.
I guess also I am afraid of what people will think of me,
Well I think you're courageous and strong. I know you don't feel that way inside, but I know how hard it is. And to put something you've written out there for all to see is pretty scary. I know the first time I posted one of my short stories here that if I had swallowed a lump of coal it would have come out a diamond.
Everything will be okay. You will get to where you need to be and the chaos of the moment will only be a memory.
Dede It's ok to take it off . I think of it as testing the waters - for myself and to see what reactions I get. It is hard to watch the emotional step-back when you tell someone face to face. It doesn't bother me as much as it used to because now I know it is their problem not mine.
That shame thing is such a burden to carry for someone else. And that is what it is - someone else's. When a parent refuses to own the responsibilty for their cruel actions, they most often place that burden on the victim - in this case the child. And the child, not knowing any better, takes on the burden of shame, believing they really have done something wrong. My father would beat us and tell us if we just did what we were told he wouldn't have to beat us. And like the kids we were, we believed him. I didn't know then what I know now - that no parent has to beat a child black and blue to discipline them for something they did wrong. That is just a parent out of control and acting out his/her anger on someone less powerful then they are.
It really helped me to realize how sick both of them were/are. It freed me of a lot of the shame. I was a kid and I made mistakes. But that was normal. What wasn't normal was how my parents decided to deal with my mistakes.
Interesting that you mentioned being a parent's confidente. I was my mother's. At that point, she had no husband, so used me as her sounding board. I wound up listening to all her adult problems and feeling like a failure for not being able to help her. Now I know that there was no way as a child/teen I could have had the wisdom to help her deal with her adult problems. My mother needed professional help and has never gotten it.
I think too that part of the shame comes from telling those family secrets. It was so ingrained in us to not talk about what goes on in the family. To tell others was to betray the family. Sadly this "rule" only served to protect the adults and keep them safe. It did nothing for the kids. And it certainly didn't get help for either of my parents. I have learned that most of these secrets that protect the adults at the expense of the kids need to be exposed.
Always take care of yourself first Dede. You may test the waters and change your mind. That is OK and you are doing fine. Keep up the hard work you are doing. It is hard but it is most definitely worth it.
It's ok. Whatever you need to do right now is up to you. I know what you mean about having a hard time accepting love or a hug from someone. It all has to do with the way were raised. We don't feel worthy. Truth is we aren't worthy of love but people give it anyway. It's up to you to take that love or not. You don't have to be afraid anymore of anyone. You are a loving and caring person. You are probably thinking, "No, I'm not, you don't know me" Am I right? Aha! I knew that I knew you. In time you are going to be just fine, you'll see. love, dj
P.S. Ever since Simon changed the format, I can't figure out how to edit.....c'mon tell me how....pleeeease?
How to edit (just for you DJ)
Click on the title of the thread right above your post. It will take you to a new screen and display only your post. Then look at the bottom right. There is the edit feature. Click on it and edit till golden bubbly.
Now if I, the ultimate computer idiot, can do it then anyone can.
Big Tex......Thanks, you're like a genie in a bottle!! love, dj