My son was studying and attending group meetings while at school. We went to his graduation and he did not. Then he moved in with us for a few months to get free room and board until he got a job and an apartment. He has shunned us since. That was 8 years ago.
I was a terrible failure to him as a parent. I would do so much different in another life. I let all that early indoctrination in him go unchallenged when I left the group. I was lazy and I did not do my homework right away after I left. I did not like religion and I wanted to close the book on that part of my life because it was so painful, but I still had work to do and I did not do it. The JW's did.
Then I confronted him with what I knew at that point. Too little, too late.
HELP! My JW parents are trying to steal my daughter
This is the perfect opportunity to set an example for your daughter. Show her what unconditional love is. No matter what she does, no matter what she pulls, tell her you love her and support her whatever her choices are. She may not "get it" right away, but eventually she will see the contrast between her grandparents and you. When it dawns on her that her grandparents would drop her like a hot potato for something as simple as trying a cigarette, but that you will never shun her, she will have learned a valuable lesson about life and love.
((((CalamityJane)))) my beloved fellow Canuck.
I think anything that I wanted to say or add, has already been said.
I think you should GO. Your daughter will always remember that you were there.
Despite all the heartache of the situation, and the manipulation of others, I'm sure she's a bright young woman, and she'll see through all of this. If not right away, eventually. Mark Rayzorblade's word .
Being a parent doesn't come with instructions. You did your best under very trying circumstances. What really impresses me, and I'm so glad you mentioned this, was XJW_B12's adopting your daughter. I knew he was a COOL guy!!
Another thing. Ol' Rayzorblade is in Toronto. So if you want to hook up and chat etc., I would be more than willing and able to meet up with you and XJW_B12. It'd be an honour.
I hope you will go. You'll be so glad you did.
From what I read, in my opinion, without a doubt, you are one helluva great Mom who gives a damn about her daughter.
Like Swan said: go show her unconditional love .
Best wishes Denise. We're cheering for you.
Dearest Calamityjane, Everyone here has given you excellent advice. You are her mother, and dispite all the JW enmeshment and emotional blackmail your parents are introducing into her life at this young and tender age, she needs you more than ever to be there as her mother. Go and enjoy this once in a lifetime occasion with her and create a memory that is devoid of any Jehovah Witness past history crap. Your parents are counting on you to be the emotional, bad, aposatate black sheep, and believe me they will subtly try to use all this past history between you and them to initiate behavior in you that will make you look unmotherly in your daughter's eyes. This is a JW tactic. They are using past history to create a wedge between you and your daughter to "win her over without a word" into thier cult. It will be very hard but you can do this. Don't allow guilt to make you feel like a bad mother for raising your daughter in that rechid religion. We all have been heaped enough guilt to last a life time. You can pull this off CJ. Just go there as her strong mother, there to share her day, not as the bad little girl of your parents who are constantly wanting to put you in that roll to make you feel diminished in your daughter's eyes. Be kind to them and let your daughter grow to see them for what they really are.
As for them bringing her abandoning father into her life, this is so dispicable, and manipulating and so much like that cultish thinking. Doesn't matter what he did to you and your daughter, he is in "good standing" now. They want her to see he is good and you are the bad little apostate. Remember, don't fall for this. Let your daughter see for herself how disfunctional this is. She will in time as long as you stay there for her as her mother without giving into all the JW manipulation. They will try to bring all this up at the graduation. Make lite of it in front of your daughter, then if you need to, go to your room at the end of the day and punch your pillow and cry your eyes out. Away from all of them.
you are her mother, you were strong enough to leave the mind conrol of that cult, and as her mother you are eager to share new beginnings and memories with her and eventually with your future grandchildren. You have broken the cycle of abuse inflicted by Watchtower.
Mystery & Big Tex - thanks
When it dawns on her that her grandparents would drop her like a hot potato for something as simple as trying a cigarette, but that you will never shun her, she will have learned a valuable lesson about life and love.
Swan, that's the trouble with my parents, is that they'll do anything to win her over, accepting that she smokes, accepting that she would live with a guy out of wedlock, etc. etc. They would never shun her no matter what she does or would do.
Razor -thanks, and yes xjw is a cool guy.
Gary - no I don't want it to be too little too late.
Aroarer - OMG you are on point with everything, what are you my twin. That's exactly how I see it.
thanks so much everyone.
I too think CJ, should go, but I want her to be on the offensive, so I suggested, she break the icy impasse, and call her parents and see if she can hitch a ride with them to Toronto.
Her mum is not a frequent flyer, They know where we stand, but perhaps they can come around to just accepting that, and try to have a somewhat normal family relationship, even if it means they have to be secretive about it.
Have a nice time at the graduation. Don't let them take away the joy of seeing what you did and made sacrifices to get her there. Be proud If it were not for you this day would not be here YC
Love is the most irresistible force in the universe. Go to your daughter's graduation and "shower the people you love with love."
You are under no obligation to assist them in shunning you.
Go and have a wonderful time.
I'm sorry to hear that painful story. I read it twice. I haven't read the other poster's replies so forgive me if I sound redundant. I'd like to help you get some perspective because that's what helps me. Please keep in mind that in no way am I siding with any of them. They are wrong. It seems to me that your daughter must have terrible confusion. She was raised as a jw and we know how mind boggling that is. Apparently, she must still believe their teachings to some degree. That's not her fault. So, naturally she would HAVE to be with your parents instead of you. In her mind, you raised her as a jw and now you are an apostate. She makes sense as a person who is under the mind control of the jw's. There is no one to blame. You were misled, your parents and your daughter are still misled. I think you should go to show your love for your child and remember that she is a victim, a product of her environment in the watchtower. She needs her mom now JUST to show love. Try to give your parents love too, keeping in mind that they are products of the watchtower and victims as well. You are free, free to love, free to support, free to someday........get your child out of this mess. You need to stay close to her and love her and be her friend all the while showing respect for your own parents in front of her, in order to help her someday to see the wt for what it is. You've probably done all of the research, so you have the tools. In time, in time it is a goal to help your child see. In the meantime...yup, mom you are going to have to put up with a lot of bitterness. You can do it, just give love and smiles back. I hope that you will take my suggestions with the love that they are offered to you. I was deeply saddened by your situation. ((((hugs))))) dj