WHY PAY FOR Ex-Spouse to Squander funds? FOR DAYCARE?

by YoursChelbie 12 Replies latest jw friends

  • YoursChelbie
  • YoursChelbie

    Well, I'm sure some of you are in this situation. Why do ex-spouses who get child support use it up on useless stuff and not on the child? I hate that!

  • TresHappy

    My sister's ex has been ordered to pay child support and simply refuses to do it. He has been at his job for years and isn't dodging the Attorney General's office. He simply refuses to pay. He says he will make it his mission in life to make my sister's life as horrible as possible. In the end though, he is only hurting his sons. They said to me the other day "Our dad really hates Mom." How sad that these boys know that. My sister isn't perfect, and she has made her share of bad choices, but her ex is punishing the children and they will probably hate their father for it when they are old enough to really grasp it.

  • Sara Annie
    Sara Annie

    There seems to be this common misconception that child-support money received needs to somehow be dedicated to purchasing good that are visibly and directly beneficial to the child(ren) in question. I have often heard people say things like "Why should I give my ex-spouse $2,000 in child support? Clothes and shoes and food for two kids doesn't cost $2,000 a month!" What this attitude doesn't take into consideration is that child support payments are just that: funds to support the children in the lifestyle they would have if both parents (and their incomes) had remained united.

    Child support absolutely should be spent on clothes, food, and daycare costs. But that is not ALL it should be earmarked for. Child support is mortgage/rent and utility money, as well as money to maintain the household through the purchase of any items to clean, maintain, and make life more comfortable. Child support pays the plumber to come in and fix the toilet everyone uses, and pays for the new couch in the living room that everyone sits on. It pays for haircuts, shampoo, deodorant, laundry detergent, make-up, pantyhose, clothes, and anything else the children need to be presentable and the primary care-giver needs to be able to go out to work everyday to earn money for his/her family. It even pays for dinner or a movie or a good book or a night out without the children for the custodial parent to recharge their batteries and remain sane while raising children without the full-time help of their other parent. A person who does not pay their court ordered support because the money 'benefits' an ex-spouse they harbor resentment for is a ridiculous excuse for a parent.

    There are, of course, situations in which the custodial parent is untrustworthy with the funds and a poor caregiver to the children. I do not deny these situations exist, and I can imagine how hard that must be for the non-custodial parent. If the children are receiving adequate support and are still lacking basic necessities, there are legal avenues that can be pursued to have support orders decreased/increased and custody can be challenged by the concerned ex-spouse. In my experience, however, the vast majority of custodial parents do NOT make poor financial decisions. There are hundreds of thousands of single parents in the world today that exist with NO child support from the other parent of their children. They shoulder the burden, alone, of parents unwilling to contribute to their children's financial well-being because they can't get beyond their resentment.

    I have two step-children, and two biological children. They are all my kids. When I fell in love with my husband, I knew that I'd have to love his kids as well, and each month he writes a hefty child-support check to his ex-wife. Does it grate on me sometimes? Yes. Do I agree with all of the financial decisions she makes? No. But I know that my husband and I would never begrudge the children anything. The bottom line is that when you make children, you make promises. You promise to give them a loving and safe life with all the advantages you can comfortably provide. And if life leads to a place where your children require financial support as a result of their parents decisions to dissolve the family unit, it is your responsibility to pay it.

  • Lady Lee
    Lady Lee

    I would appreciate some more info. What do a father consider useless and why would daycare be considered useless.

    If she is working somebody needs to watch the kids and even if she isn't working a few hours off from a 24-hour-a-day, 7-days-a-week-365-days-a-year job is not a lot to ask for.

    Does the father have access? How long? And how much does he really "care" for the kids? Does he have to clean their rooms? Wash their clothes? Deal with sick kids? and doctors and school? What about shopping for them - food, clothes school supplies etc? Doe she have to deal with them fighting and getting them up in the morning and getting them into bed at night?

    My ex used to take the girls for 2 hours on a Sunday afternoon. Whoopty-doo. What a break that was! And in that time he took them out to MacDonalds. I got to maybe vacuum or do laundry... - certainly not rest. (Mind you he did pay child support religiously - intended pun - cuz he would not have paid if the JWs told him he didn't have to)

    Other women tell me he takes the kids to his mothers place and grandma actually takes care of the kids. Or the new girlfriend winds up taking care of them while "daddy" sits and watches TV or works on the car.

    Now if she is using the money to go bar-hopping, and off to the casino or buying herself a new wardrobe while the kids are in hand-me-downs then complain.

    But if she is a good mom (like there were no complaints before in how she took care of the kids but now there are) then maybe this whole question needs a rethink.

    A lot of men seem to think when they leave the wife they leave the kids and have no more responsibility for them. She does the work at the very least he can pay to support them.

    My mother got a grand total of $50 for taking care of 4 kids for 15 years. He visited once.

    Sorry if I sound a tad rigid about this - ya touched a raw nerve

  • YoursChelbie

    situations in which the custodial parent is untrustworthy with the funds and a poor caregiver to the children
    THis is the situation I'm really upset about. When the custodial parent of one child receives over $1,000.00 a month in addition to funds meant to cover daycare, yet doesn't have the child in a day care. All the while, the parent who pays the child support knowingly continues to pay the portion that is designated for day care just as if the child were in daycare. Does that make sense? Who really cares about what?

  • Sara Annie
    Sara Annie
    All the while, the parent who pays the child support knowingly continues to pay the portion that is designated for day care just as if the child were in daycare. Does that make sense?

    If the parent is KNOWINGLY paying the portion of the child support order earmarked for day-care when there are no children actually in daycare, that's really their business, isn't it? There are legal channels available to make changes to support orders based on changes in circumstance. If the non-custodial parent continues to pay the amount with the full knowledge that the portion originally designated to pay day-care isn't being utilized for that purpose, they are able to have the order reduced accordingly based on that information. If they choose not to pursue that, they may continue to pay for a variety of reasons, among them that the extra money isn't a burden for them, and that they don't want to challenge the order. Is the custodial parent's demand for the money under false pretenses right? No. But if the non-custodial parent doesn't challenge it even after they have full knowledge of the situation, it doesn't much matter what you, I, or anyone else thinks.

  • Mystery

    My x is supose to pay $250 a month for 2 kids. I was STUPID when I divorced him because I felt guilty for leavings my sons father becasue of them. I agreed to the settlement to the horror of my own lawyer.

    He is still yet to pay, even that amount. He tells my sons that he doesn't know why I don't give the money to them. He DOESN'T send it. He tells them that I am the one that took them away from him - but he doesn't understand why I don't give them what is theirs ($$). He DOESN"T send it! He tells them it was "all my fault" but he still supports them financially. HE DOESN'T! Instead of getting into a she says, he says, I have basically dropped any effort to collect. I know that my sons will realize eventually that he has lied to them all this time.

    My oldest is realizing it now without me having to say anything. It took 13 years of not rebutting/yelling my ex's accusations. But my reward has been that THEY HAVE DECIDED to stay with me. They want to stay with me. My home is their home, not his. He has show his colors to them, with his 2 story log house, his boats and jet ski's and travel home, his rental properties, vehicles - they went to live with him last year. The agreement was to stay for minimum of 1 school year. That they could not come back to me until the school year ended. My oldest was back in 6 weeks and youngest in 8 weeks. After my oldest decideds something - come hell or high water he gets his way (with everyone but me) - he decided his "fathers" house was not the promises and the dreams his "father" had promised him. His lies and deceit and manipulating became very apparent.

    They have made their decision about their father without my input.

    Just make sure your concern is with your child. Money is secondary regardless of your situation. (I was in college with a 1 & 2 year old. No family support and no child support. Money isn't everything.)

    Stay focused - our kids are worth it.

  • Mulan

    When I was a teenager, I had a girlfriend, whose father had died in the war (#2). She got an allottment from the Army to be used ONLY for her. They had to submit receipts each month proving it was spent on her support. A percentage of the check could be for rent and food, but the rest had to be spent on her, for clothes, lessons, and anything else that qualified. I can testify that not a dime was spent on her little sister, who had a living father. They were meticulous. If they didn't submit receipts they got less the next month.

    It seems that would be a good thing to do.............ask for proof of how the money is spent. That would probably cause a tremendous uproar though.


    Hey Chelby,what I`m going to say is going to sound harsh..It is,but it`s true..How your spouse spends that money is up to him or her..Theres nothing you can do about it,live with it!!....I had to,and so do you..You`ll just drive yourself crazy thinking about it if you don`t...OUTLAW

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