all out of dreams

by Ravyn 19 Replies latest jw friends

  • Francois

    I guess you don't want to hear this, but in describing yourself you are describing a woman who is depressed. I have been depressed on and off several times in my life and I recognize the symptoms. So I must agree with Prisca and the others who feel you are indeed suffering depression.

    I have found that one of the best ways to make a positive life for yourself is for you to take YOU out of the equation. Self-forgetfulness can be a powerful tool, useful for getting your life in order when it's out of whack like you describe your own. Go to an old folks home and give a little old lady with no family someone to talk to; become a hospice volunteer and work with the families of people who are terminal; volunteer to work at the Humane Society; volunteer to work for Meals on Wheels - expose yourself. Do for others and forget yourself. Pretty soon, you'll wonder where all your time has gone to, and your life will have purpose. If you continue to be obsessed about yourself and the state of your life, I don't see any more for you but the same. It is said that the most afflicted life is that life that has had no affliction; so if you can turn your life around to the service of others, I believe you would be in for a very pleasant surprise.

    I was a hospice volunteer for several years. You would be amazed at how life-changing it is to simply go sit with someone at their home, relieving a family member long enough to go shopping, or to get their hair done. The look of appreciation on their faces is just amazing. And you've given of yourself, you've taken what you think is an empty life and found enough there to give to someone else who's in worse shape than you. No immediate miracles, mind you, but over not too much time you will find your attitude changing, your life becoming full, you becoming happier.

    Do you think you could get your husband to turn over ALL family finances to you, and to spend no money at all absent your approval? It seems that one little mistake that cost you $150.00 would be the perfect logical starting place to discuss that problem. And if he calls you a nag, you can say, "Right. I'm a nag. But I'm not nearly so much of a nag as the people who call here all day wanting their money." You might even threaten to wash your hands of all the money issues and let him do it himself. I saw my mother fight that fight and she finally had to threaten to wash her hands of the entire thing. Finally, the old man had no credit cards and didn't carry the checkbook around with him. Within a few months my mother had it all straightened out.

    Anyway, try living a life of self-forgetfulness, take yourself out of the equation and see if life doesn't become more simple and easier to negotiate. Give up your self and find your Self.

    Best of Luck,

  • Ravyn

    I appreciate all your comments--I really do.

    I can't take antidepressants, the doctors will not even consider giving them to me. I take 7 prescriptions aday for Lupus and Narcolepsy. The doctors do not feel I am depressed, they feel I have chronic disease and alot of pain and just have to learn to live with it. I have Lupus-no sun, no crowds, no children, I have Narcolepsy-no driving, no going anywhere alone. I live out in the country, atleast 6 miles from the nearest grocery store. My husband works from 7AM to 8PM regularly and sometimes earlier or later, and this is atleast 6 days a week.

    If I was rich I would hire a companion or just hire my husband to stay home with me sonce when we are not fighting about money we really enjoy each other's company.

    Twenty years ago I had hope they might find a treatment or a cure for Lupus, now it is unlikely I will see it in my lifetime--I am going to be 41 this year, a little late for me. I stopped thinking that someday we might could win the lottery---never bought any tickets anyway. The dream house we have designed and planned on is just not possible. 6 years we have been together and so far he has proven incapable of ever being trustworthy with money or us getting out of the holes we both started this relationship in. (Me-from losing my house, vehicles, furniture, household goods, pets, job, health, family, freinds, etc when I left JWs. Him from bad choices with money and supporting his dead-beat family all his life besides.) Basically my life was over the day I walked out of the Kingdom Hall. Thing is it was over that day whether I stayed or left, and leaving was the only chance of survival that I had. They not only took my life, they took my future too. I can see the number one problem and challenge people who leave JWs face is the complete cutting off of livelihood---and since most do not leave until they are in their 30's and 40's--well guess what? We are screwed. I was a regular pioneer for 15 years--from 18-34. They took everything I had and any future potential too.

    Sheila the suggestions about crocheting et al seem like a possibility. Having children is not and never has been a possibility for me. If I could survive the pregnancy how could I take care of a child when I can't take care of myself? Besides there is a good chance any child wuld also be disabled. I got a husband with a money IQ of 8 yrs---I don't need another expense- :)

    Last night in chat, HillBilly and others suggested the 'envelope' method of bill paying--I think I will try that. Only problem I have with that is that I don't know how effective it will be because we don't make enough money to keep it in the envelopes for very long--when the paycheck comes in, it goes right out to pay bills. We have never had $20 to save. He is doing the best he can. He can't make anymore money than he is making now--the economy is to blame. He has no college education, and he is 37 now. A change in careers at this point is very risky. He is a CATV telecommunications tech--he does everything from installing cable from pole to house to Project Coordinator which is what he did for a rebuild for Comcast. Comcast screwed him, just like Motorola, Texas Instruments and Raytheon did. Middle Management for a specific project will never get hired on for more than a temp.--even tho they always promise more than that to get him. Right now he is working for a contractor who has contract with Adelphia, Comcast, Nesbe, and Cox and Charter. But he is working for someone else and his boss is the one who makes the $18 an hour, Lee gets paid by the piece. So you figure out who is making the money now? Lee who is 37 years old and 65 pounds overweight, or the 25 yr old who can climb the 75 foot ladders like a monkey? He is really going thru a crisis about what to do with the rest of his life. He is seeing his dreams slip away too.

    Which brings me to the BIG part. This world! How is this possibly going to turn out? I read a 'conspiracy' type article about China the other day and I am not so sure now we should not all just take a chinese language course. I spent the last 3 years down in Tennessee and I saw so much fundamentalistic hatred and prejudiced that I am completely turned off christianity. But not only that---people who don't live in places like Tennessee and Texas and Mississippi just do not have a clue! And the rest of the US does not realize how much influence and political power this faction of extremists hold! It is not paranoia. It is something to truly be legitimately afraid of. So what is the future of this country? I mean the future as in the next 5 years--not the next 20! I don't know what to expect. I don't believe in any armageddon like fundys in this country do---but there is something building up to a head and everyone can feel it and that is where they are getting the fuel for their fires! Anyone read the novel American Gods? VERY VERY GOOD! It is about how eveyrone who every came to this country brought over their gods and the gods are all still here--they just might be taxi drivers and Vegas hookers, and it is all coming to a head- Ragnarok. which incidentally happens in the heart of fundyism...EXCELLENT book. But it is eerily true. It strikes a cord. Makes me want to move out of this country--problem is, I don't know where else to go either.

    Doesn't anyone else feel this restlessness?


  • jgnat

    Hi, Ravyn. Here's hoping today brings new opportunities. I still maintain that your perspective is akilter because you are so isolated from others. I do not think America is headed for the skids. Really. Check out this link on Walking Across America. I think our world is still mostly made up of very decent people. At least that is my experience, both in life and on this board.

  • Ravyn

    thank you Jgnat.



  • DanTheMan

    Ravyn, I don't know if it's any consolation, but you and I think a lot alike.

    I too am alarmed at the rise of Xtian fundamentalism in this country. Bush is supposedly a Methodist, but he sure seems like a fundy to me. I've heard that Jerry Falwell is a frequent guest at the White House. 'nuff said. I think that a country that annoints someone like GWB as their leader has some serious problems.

    I go into Wal-Mart, and what is the most prominent display in the book section? The Left Behind fundy books.

    Part of me misses JW brain death so much. Even though it was a load of crap, there was that sense of security...

    Now I'm depressed, thanks!

  • DFWnonJW

    My god woman! (I know, I's not proper to mention god to a pagan...hehe) I just read your deconversion story.....write a screen play or something. Your life story has plenty of twists & turns, locales, drama, suspense ... all the necessary ingredients for a potential blockbuster. Just my thoughts anyway. It would sure give a different slant on the JWs than what most people know.

  • Big Tex
    Big Tex

    Ravyn, I wish I could say something to help you solve your situation. But I can't. Unfortunately, you're talking to someone who's monetary IQ is also in single digits.

    It's not much, and it's probably silly, but the lyrics to this song always meant something to me when I was very depressed. So I'll share it with you:

    Show Me The Way -- Styx

    Every night I say a prayer in the hope that there's a heaven
    And every day I'm more confused as the saints turn into sinners
    All the heroes and legends I knew as a child have fallen to idols of clay
    And I feel this empty place inside so afraid that I've lost my faith

    Show me the way, show me the way
    Take me tonight to the river
    And wash my illusions away
    Show me the way

    And as I slowly drift to sleep, for a moment dreams are sacred
    I close my eyes and know there's peace in a world so filled with hatred
    That I wake up each morning and turn on the news to find we've so far to go
    And I keep on hoping for a sign, so afraid that I just won't know

    Show me the way, Show me the way
    Take me tonight to the mountain
    And wash my confusion away

    And if I feel light, should I believe
    Tell me how will I know

    Show me the way, show me the way
    Take me tonight to the river
    And wash my illusions away
    Show me the way, show me the way
    Give me the strength and the courage
    To believe that I'll get there someday
    Show me the way

    Every night I say a prayer
    In the hope that there's a heaven...

    Sending you all my best Ravyn.

  • patio34

    Dear Ravyn,

    ((((Ravyn)))), I'm so sorry you're having a rough time and feel hopeless. I wish I had the answers for you. I liked everyone else's excellent suggestions and will probably do a few myself.

    There is a huge library of self-help books available ( you know the ones the WT has such disdain for) that I read all the time. I love them!

    But I have a different "world view" about the war, and disputes humans engage in. Being an atheist that firmly thinks evolution is responsible for our existence, it's not disturbing to me that humans war with each other. We evolved along with everything else on earth and warring is the most fundamental "law" of nature, from microbes to the dinosaurs. Why should humans be different?

    There's probably hope for humans because of higher intelligence, but who knows? What is, is.

    I think we should do what we can, but above all to enjoy our lives. This IS all there is, imo, so we shouldn't waste any of it. Not one precious moment of it, because there's nothing else.

    Holy cow! I hope I haven't depressed everyone! But, to me, it's a liberating philosophy. It makes one see the real value of what we have, not wasting time hoping for some miracle or feeling bad because of the way nature is. I think it's a Budhist saying "to live is to suffer." Once one accepts that fact, then one can be happy because life can be enjoyed despite them.

    I hope you find your way out of your problems. You seem like a strong woman with a lot of smarts.


  • Ravyn

    I really love you guys!

    Atleast now I don't feel alone! And as far as that book---oh I got a book written you can bet! I am really kinda waiting until my mother is gone, she is old and she does not deserve to be hurt by JWs anymore and I am afraid it might backlash onto her. Unless I can find a way to write it without names---but then it is less believable. But that is not the only book I have written already....

    In fact I have an idea for something pleasant (as opposed to an expose that will take alot out of me...) that will be the next Harry Potter, only for adults! I want to do a series called 'Thee Erotick Witche...' where I put out an almanac every year and some other interest books in between and maybe even run a little book shop/ coffee shop thingy where I can market some of the products(like soaps and oils and teas and lingerie etc) from the books. I have already checked into trademarking and copyrighting. I have to find the funding now(hard part). But I already have the first two years' almanacs written. Cool stuff---sexy and magickal. Like 'Thee Erotick Witche in the kitchen---recipes for romantic meals', or 'Thee Erotick Witche's guide to spooky and romantic getaways--travel guide to hanuted hot spots'. I also have years and years of dark poetry and erotic stories and re-written fairytales and myths(rated R atleast). 'The Erotick Witche's Book of Bedtime Stories'....what sells better than sex and magick? But with some real practical stuff thrown in, like herbs and remedies, and when to plant, and crystals and chakras, and holiday celebrations from all over the world--almanac stuff. Fun stuff.

    So I have ideas, just always the same hold up---MONEY. I hate money.


    (BTW-this is the first I have shared this with anyone but my husband and my SBA counselor.)

  • topanga

    you poor darling! im so sorry you're unhappy. sometimes i feel that way too i realize it's ok to feel that way.

    Its ok to stay in bed and cry until you are ready for round 2! I have alot of big dreams but i know that i will never be a prima ballerina but i love to take classes and wear dance clothing. sound pretentious?

    I felt like a fraud till an audition appeared in the news for dancers and singers who can move well that paid $700 a week.

    Because i took the lessons anyway i caught on to the moves fast and could add my own interpretation. im not what any dance conservatory would accept but i got it. A chance to travel a little and some money, and to meet some up beat people. Show people are the best for cheering me up!

    I have also learned from experience to be careful who you let into your life so most of my activities are solitary. It gets lonely but if you persevere opportunities and breaks do come.

    Please don't be lonely, i did some volunteer work and worked with children and some disadvantaged youth and adults.

    We talked about all sorts of things and shared simple things like singing songs we love together, lots of games, physical sports, and lotsa hugs its like your own personal support, or family.

    There are all kinds of family, workmates, neighbors, store clerks, engage sales people in conversations, persue any and every interest you have find ways to join groups and get involved people can be refreshing.

    Life can be good just hang on things can change for you things can go your way when you least expect it.

    Every body feels bad sometimes, everybody has good reason to but there will be good days and great days and days when something fantastick will happen.

    Hang on til you can make what ever changes are needed to get rid of toxic people, bad situations, lousy neighborhoods or whatever it is that upsets you. Do what you can to help it, even if its one thing every day.

    Its ok to have the blues, do all your favorite things spoil yourself on these days. I kiss my own boo boos!

    Feel better !

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