Those married to "still in" JWs (page 2)

NikL

Thanks for all the kind words everyone.

The thing is this isn't anything new. I've been inactive for over 25 years.

I went for years not going to meetings but she had a nervous breakdown a few years ago and basically begged me to go with her.

I did and it was fine. I even started to think they had changed the things I was against and were moving in a positive direction.

I think she began to feel the change in me and was happy.

First assembly I went to with her in years was the one on imitating Jesus a couple years ago. I kid of liked a lot of what they talked about. They stressed looking at Jesus and making "him" our focus.

The following years assembly was like a complete reversal it seemed to me.

Then came the Australian Royal commission. I happened to find it online by accident. Wasn't searching for "apostate" stuff.

Geoffrey Jackson said it was "presumptuous" to say they were gods spokesperson on earth. I thought wow, cool.

But then came articles and WT studies that proved he didn't mean what he said. making him a liar.

Then I slipped back into the apostate world. I've been a member of this board since the 90s and I jumped right back in.

Ironic thing is that I've been reading scripture much more then I ever did as a JW. I had previously just threw it all out of my life. Now I feel like a "christian" again.

She noticed a difference when I stopped praying with her and reading daily text with her and stuff.

I think she still wants me to do those things with her but I felt like a hypocrite not having her know my true feelings.

Maybe now that she does we can get back to those things.

I guess time will tell.

NikL

@Ding

It seems like there are two possibilities:
1. You stop going to the meetings with her.
2. You go to the meetings but don't say anything critical about them.
Have you asked her (not in a sarcastic way) which she would prefer?
If she'd rather you not go at all, then you won't have to go to any more meetings.

Those very thoughts went through my head around 2:15 this morning

doubtfull1799

Really feel for you, especially considering how long it has been for you. I'm going through the same thing, but its only been a year, still raw and fresh, currently in a "truce."

pm me if you ever want to talk...

Anders Andersen

Another one here....wife still in and we're in a sort of a truce too...we don't ever talk religion, but soon we'll have to discuss how to raise our child when issues like birthdays etc. come up.

Anyway right after I dropped my TTATT bomb (yes, I blurted it out all at once) I haven't been to a single meeting. I envisioned going with my wife for a couple of weeks just to get her used to the idea of me not being a JW anymore. But she insisted I didn't come, as she thinks that would be hypocritical.

I went for years not going to meetings but she had a nervous breakdown a few years ago and basically begged me to go with her.

The KH: the happiest place on earth with the best people in the world around her, and the most powerful force in the universe to support her.....and she can't go alone???

Maybe it's time for her to follow her religion by herself? Or would she come with you to an apostate meet up to support you?

I'm not saying people shouldn't support their spouse, but this is something she could do alone (or quit). There no need to enable people to continue self destructive behavior like being addicted to alcohol, drugs, or being in a cult.

A disadvantage is that you also have no idea how the local dubs are trying to influence her if you're not around.

TD

The KH: the happiest place on earth with the best people in the world around her, and the most powerful force in the universe to support her.....and she can't go alone???

That sounds like the voice of frustration (?)

Remember that "Feels" are going to trump "Facts" here.

A male UBM needs to understand his wife's need for emotional security. That means 15 - 20 hours a week of quality time together. (Depending upon what you read)

One of the most odious thing about the JW faith (IMHO) is that it sabotages marriages by robbing couples of that time. It's like withholding water from a plant.

A JW woman's desire to have her husband with her at the meetings is far more about watering the plant than it is about religion.

dubstepped

You can't be who you're not, and it's not fair for her to expect you to be. She would cry persecution from an unbelieving spouse if you pressured her like she does you. Stop going. Reclaim your own life and autonomy. Be respectful of her right to worship and ask for the same in return.

TD

Dying on the hill of fairness is of course a personal choice.

There are however, two basic approaches to fairness in human relations.

The first is rules based. Things are "fair" when everyone observes the same rules

The second is outcome based. Things are "fair" when everyone experiences the best possible outcome

Which approach is better? Both. Neither. I don't know.

There are two famous novels that illustrate how either system can lead to a serious miscarriage of justice. (Les Misérables & The Scarlet Pimpernel respectively)

As general groups, guess which approach the two genders tend to favor?

Anders Andersen

A male UBM needs to understand his wife's need for emotional security. That means 15 - 20 hours a week of quality time together. (Depending upon what you read)

One of the most odious thing about the JW faith (IMHO) is that it sabotages marriages by robbing couples of that time. It's like withholding water from a plant.

A JW woman's desire to have her husband with her at the meetings is far more about watering the plant than it is about religion.

I heartily agree that couples need to spend quality time together. The spouses do need the reassurance that us 'leaving Jehovah' doesn't mean we're going to leave them too (this seems especially true when it's the man finding TTATT).

But sitting next to your wife, grinding your teeth, watching her being fed lies by a cult isn't quality time in my book.

An alternative to dragging yourself to meetings is making yourself very available outside meeting times. Plan the things you do alone at meeting times, do things together at the other evenings.

My wife and I do a language course together, we dance together, and on Saturdays we go for longs walks. When she is at a meeting, I go for a run, watch a TV series she doesn't like, or do computer stuff. This way our quality time together is maximized and I don't have to sit through cult meetings.

And even with all that there's always the wedge between us that Watchtower crafted artfully...

TD

But sitting next to your wife, grinding your teeth, watching her being fed lies by a cult isn't quality time in my book.

Nor mine. But it took an agonizingly long time to wean her away from it.

My wife and I do a language course together, we dance together, and on Saturdays we go for longs walks.

Yes! We can't open up a rift like that in our spouses little world without something decent to take it's place.

Check_Your_Premises

Cant say much that hasnt already been said. Just keep trying to build up every other part o your relationship and try to cultivate an attitude that it is no skin off your as if she is a jw. Any energy on your part that is against her faith in jw feeds it. Leave her to the burdensome life without any persecution complex. And just be friend. Hang in there

Those married to "still in" JWs

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