Those married to "still in" JWs

NikL

Kind of got into it with my JW wife last night for the first time in a long time.

I try to not engage in conversations about doctrinal matters unless she asks me which she did.

Anyway, I wont go into details but of course I am "not going to change her mind" and "why is it that you can't see when very smart people can?" Yada yada yada. You probably can imagine.

It makes me so depressed. There is this huge wedge between us and we are supposed to be "one flesh".

I go with her to meetings to be supportive and she made comments like "why do you go if you just look to criticize?"

The worst part of it is that I felt totally fuzzy in my head. Like I couldn't argue my point well. I began to actually feel like "what is wrong with me?".

She actually seems okay this morning but I am not. I am finding myself nervous and depressed. I had a nightmare last night and I am sure I was yelling in my sleep though my wife is a heavy sleeper and didn't notice.

I am not sure what the point of this post is. Maybe hear from those that have still in spouses and how you deal with this vary dicey situation?

blondie

I watched a news piece interviewing a husband and wife with very different political views. Similar feelings were expressed about the difficulties. I think what you want is someone to talk with about those issues. Perhaps near you. Have you tried finding a meetup or forming one in your area? Or someone on here that is going through the same thing for private conversations?

Husbands and wives don't agree on everything, my husband and I don't and occasionally it can get heated. Then we calm down and consider all the things we do have in common and that we love each other for.

compound complex

Greetings, NikL:

I'm sorry about what you're going through, having been through the same, although I'm no longer married.

I hope you get many replies and will feel a sense of solidarity with us, as a result. Despite many tries of returning to "THE TRUTH" (because I couldn't bear to leave my friends and family), I am out totally. The only contact I have with them now is on Facebook, where I mind my theocratic p's and q's.

Best Wishes . . .

TD

I'm very sorry about what you're going through as well

Religion is strictly a "feels" over "facts" affair and it's easy to forget that. (Especially if you're a "facts" sort of person.)

jgnat's advice about helping the kind person you know your spouse to be find a way out of their self-imposed prison is absolute gold.

OneEyedJoe

The worst part of it is that I felt totally fuzzy in my head. Like I couldn't argue my point well. I began to actually feel like "what is wrong with me?"

First off, cults work very hard to instill this sort of self-doubt into their victims, especially those that are having doubts about the cult. Keep reading, researching and soul-searching until you have complete self-assurance that you're of right mind, pure motivation and are certain that it is not "the truth." Do whatever it takes to get there. Just know that you're not alone, and that the way you feel right now has been ingrained into you for the purposes of control.

If your marriage has any chance of success you're going to have to communicate well. Big surprise there. Talk to your wife. When she attacks your motives (perhaps without even realizing it, i.e. "why do you go if it's just to criticize?") point out what she's said, how you've interpreted it and how that makes you feel. If you're going to support her, you need to let her know that and make sure that this is what she wants. You're not a martyr for making sacrifices for someone if they don't want what you're giving them, so make sure it's what she wants before you make the sacrifice.

With any luck you'll be able to get your wife to trust you, trust that you're motivated by a love of truth (real truth) and a concern for your (and her) well-being. If you can get to that point, you've made a huge stride. I never was able to get my wife to trust anything I said, though, as she would fall back on insisting that my thinking was being manipulated by the devil and I couldn't be honest about my motivations even if I wanted to, etc. etc. That's what eventually lead to the end of my marriage. I hope that your wife will be more reasonable (and less superstitious) than mine was and that you two will be able to (re)establish trust and communication to get through this. If you're able to do that, then you've got a decent chance of waking her up eventually, too.

My Name is of No Consequence

NikL...

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. My wife is still in and we got into it for the first time in a while just the other day. I don't often speak about doctrine to her. When I do, she calls me an apostate, records me and threatens to go to the elders with the recording. I will be the first to admit that I'm not perfect (or imperfect, as the elders say), but you and I deserve better.

Giordano

NIKL I have seen this problem manifest itself while my wife and I were still in and since coming on this site. We exited together which was a huge advantage.

I go with her to meetings to be supportive and she made comments like "why do you go if you just look to criticize?"

She wants to believe and you would know best if she gets comfort from the meetings and the 'friends'. However in high control religions/cults the situation can become more volatile leading to belief based arguments and critical comments from both sides.

Trust issues become part of the problem.

If so you are not doing her or yourself any good being critical about her beliefs and most probably the organization.Nor 'supporting her by attending meetings.

If it was me I would tell your wife what you have just shared with us. It's a confusing time for you leaving something you were born into or converted to.

The fact that you do attend the meetings with her but are critical of the religion is a contradiction in both her mind and yours.

She can't trust you about the doctrines and lord knows what else you can fine fault with. I know...... far to many things. It's a petty self serving organization.

You need to redefine your role.....you are her loving husband, her trusted friend and lover....... You are not the spiritual head of the household. She has the right to have freedom of religion and you have the right to be free of religion.

Start talking about doing other things that both of you would enjoy doing together.

One day she may look at you and say "I am going to skip the meeting today.........let's you and I go to........ and enjoy ourselves."

just fine

I am sorry you are going through this. JWs always want your love and acceptance but cannot give that in return.

carla

The way we found peace (I am ubm, never been jw, he joined up later in life) was to finally quit talking about any jw crap all-together. The home is a neutral space, no jw literature and no apostate stuff out either. I have no idea why he skips out of meetings when he does but I am always happy when it happens. If he ever leaves jw litter out I will find the most vile stories about jw's and leave them out, without fail. Nice? perhaps not, but it works to keep the wt from being in my face 24/7 and from him reading it in front of me.

I am a rabid 'apostate' (though I don't officially get the label) and have often delivered anti wt literature and he knew I did as did his entire cong. (I could deliver to 50-100 homes on my way to the grocery store)

Maybe you should quit going to meetings? and make your home a place for you & your family leaving out all jw-ism or your apostate leanings. Make the home a sanctuary for your marriage.

It takes quite some time and many tears to reach this point but in the end I have found it quite do-able and we are much happier. We go out, we do things and take vacations together.

I still hate the wt, I hate meetings, conventions, etc..... I look to you guys to find out what is going on and when.

It can work and yes, there will always be that wedge between you. That's what cults do. Will you let this puny cult destroy your marriage? or is it worth saving?

I am of the opinion now after years of trying that a jw must come to TTATT on their own. Think of it this way, could you change the opinion of someone's long held political beliefs? same with religious beliefs especially when they employ thought control/thought stopping, etc... mind control? day after day, week after week of repetitive messages are not easily broken.

If possible plan some weekends away with her. Yes, she will miss a meeting but so what? she can't catch up? is the marriage worth it to her?

It is a strange dance we do when we on the rare occasion we bring up anything jw/religious related and speak without really saying it. Hard to describe and that last sentence probably doesn't even make sense.

I (we) went through hell when he first joined up and I was panic stricken and scared to death. My health suffered. I was not myself.

It can get better and even good again! really, it can. Will it ever be the same? no. But it can be good and fun again. Find the love and hang on tight. (yeah, pretty shmaltzy but what the heck....)

Ding

I go with her to meetings to be supportive and she made comments like "why do you go if you just look to criticize?"

It seems like there are two possibilities:

1. You stop going to the meetings with her.

2. You go to the meetings but don't say anything critical about them.

Have you asked her (not in a sarcastic way) which she would prefer?

If she'd rather you not go at all, then you won't have to go to any more meetings.

Those married to "still in" JWs

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