Depressed beyond Words...

by Shytears 31 Replies latest watchtower medical

• 

  berylblue

  Precious, you must get help. I have been where you are. While I haven't tried to kill myself, I thought about it all the time. Been big on self-harm since I was a little girl. You know, cutting myself. My body is covered with scars from the slashes I've made on my body due to self-loathing. I do understand pain so intense one has to harm oneself.

  But suicide attempts go way beyond self-harming. I could not bear the thought of you ending your life.

  If you are online, check out www.samaritans.org. Or call your suicide prevention hotline. If you have medical insurance, perhaps you could go to the hospital. If you want a blow by blow account of what goes on in a psych hospital, and what to expect, email me. I've been there. One thing such a visit would do is stabilize you, and perhaps get you on some life-saving meds. It is not a sign of weakness to admit you are suicidally depressed and to go in the hospital for help. Yes, it may seem embarrassing, but depression is a serious illness, no less valid and serious than cancer. No one would make fun of a cancer patient for seeking treatment.

  My experience in the psych hospital has been that while others may not understand what you are going through, most patients will offer their unconditional love and support. The psych hospital is a great equalizer. People in that much pain are not usually judgemental.

  I've rambled enough. Get help. You can't deal with this on your own. If you consider going in the hospital, DO email me. I'll check my mail often. I mean this. I can tell you what to expect, etc.

  [email protected]

  Beryl
• 

  ApagaLaLuz

  Shy..... please check in with me this morning. I hope Chat last night was some help. I gave you my email address last night. If you dont still have it please contact me today at [email protected].

  Just wanted to make sure you got a good nights sleep.
• 

  Francois

  Shy, see if you can get yourself a prescription to Effexor or some other anti-depressant. I recommend Effexor because it's not only good for depression, but it's also good for anxiety, too. Likely you'll need to take 225 or 300 mg once a day. It can and will make a big change in your outlook on life. Don't try going through your young life armed with only your determination. And you might want to try being two-faced about being a JW. At least it will get them off your back.

  You haven't been baptised yet, have you? And you are aware that's something that you don't want to do EVER? Use any excuse to avoid it. Say that you're not spiritually mature enough. Say that you're afraid of drowning. Say anything, but don't let 'em dunk you.

  francois
• 

  unclebruce

  you're getting good advice here shytears, from some wonderful people who really care about you. What Francois says is right - certain pills your doctor can prescribe can really work wonders.

  reading what you and berylblue have said is bringing tears to my eyes.

  You are so young sweetheart and you have a wonderful life ahead. I don't know what else to say - (((((((((((((hug)))))))))))))

  unclebruce
• 

  Buster

  It is nice to hear from you. Like others have said, the feelings you are having are normal. Sometimes it just feels like the world is ganging up on us and won't let up. But you will do yourself a favor if you find someone to talk to - preferably a professional. Talking will help you realize that you are not alone and will give you a better perspective on how you are feeling. This stuff can spiral out of control on you.
• 

  kls

  shytears, i was a very depressed teen,not that i was brought up in a jw home but very uncaring family member. i also tried to end the pain and the feeling of dispare,seems no matter what i tried even cutting my wrists(still have scares) i always survived.the only advice i can say is ,you are youre own person. you have to get tough and not crumble.it seems amost impossible now to see light at the end of the tunnel but it is there. you have to think into the future because you do have a future.you do not have to spend youre life living with youre parents those days are numbered,you are getting old enough to move out on youre own or share a place with someone.think of what you want for youre future and don't let any one or thing get in the way.remember you are a person with youre own mind , thoughts,feelings and goals.if parents want to be jws well thats fine but you do not , you are not them. get tough and strong you deserve a life that you want not what they want. the best of youre life is yet to come. BIG HUGS LIFE IS WORTH LIVING kls
• 

  Billygoat

  ((((Shy))))

  I understand depression very well. I've experienced it the majority of my life. Things the last three years or so have changed, but I want to give you hope: It does get better. I remember being your age and how difficult it was to please my JW parents. I thought getting baptized would fix my problems. It only made them worse. But let me say one thing: suicide is not the answer. I know how tempting it is. I've attempted it twice. But suicide attempts are a bit like losing your virginity. Once you try it, it changes you forever. There are other ways to deal with the immense sadness. If you ever feel the need to contact me, please do. My email is [email protected] . If you contact me, I'll keep your confidentiality. You don't have to give any real information. But maybe I can help carry the burden of the pain. God/Jehovah is loving and tender and He is watching over you, even if you are living a double life. He understands the situation your parents are putting you in. It will be okay if you hang in there and give it time!

  Love,

  Andi
• 

  joannadandy

  Did u ever feel so depressed u felt the only thing that could get rid of the pain was to commit suicide????

  Yup...I was actually your age in roughly the same situation. I was 16, and having a really hard time with life (for lots of reasons) but the straw on the camels back was that I stopped believing in what the witnesses were telling me. It was such a crushing blow. I didn't buy any of it, and I knew it would make my parents miserable to have someone who didn't believe living with them.

  I never told them how I felt about the "truth". I just kept my mouth shut, and my doubts to myself. I felt so isolated. There was literally NO ONE I could talk to about this. None of my worldly friends understood, I didn't dare tell any of my witness friends because I knew they would turn me in, and I sure as hell wasn't going to talk to an elder.

  I tried to overdose on sleeping pills and booze. It didn't work tho. I just woke up later really pissy and even more depressed because I couldn't do it. I was a failure at sucide, I really hated myself.

  I wish I knew what exact thing got me through. Or what I did to make it better. It was a very foggy part of my life. All I knew was that I was going to be better than all of them, and I wasn't going to let them ruin my life.

  So I secretly plotted my mission. I kept my eyes on school, read a lot of books about depression, religion, poetry...just anything I could get my hands on. I lived in my own little world of books and writing. I kept planning on college. I told my parents in no uncertain terms I WAS going to a FOUR YEAR college. They even helped me to go Post Secondary (I am not sure if they have this in your state, but if they do--CHECK IT OUT~)

  My senior year I went to college instead of high school and it saved me! I got a car so I could drive myself, I had block schedules so I had all sorts of free time. I met all sorts of wonderful people who didn't need to know I was a JW. I had a wonderful sociology professor who just by being my friend and mentor helped me a lot. I had an even better professor of theology who told me it was all crap *meaning religion* and that you just have to find what makes you happy, not what makes your parents happy. (He also had some great info about JW's which I wasn't ready to listen to yet...if only I had I might have gotten totally out sooner). I took some acting classes, and crazy at as it sounds it was some of the best therepy I ever had. I got to be creative and expressive and get out all the emotions I had bottled in me in a safe way because it wasn't "me" who had those emotions, it was a character. It was amazing!

  College allowed me to FINALLY think for myself. (I also got out of lots of meeting under the guise of homework, group work, and research labs, lecturers (that I told them I HAD To see for class, but really just went for fun).

  I wish to god I had been able to find this place (or a place like it) when I was younger. But I didn't. I know I would, and most everyone who posted on this thread would be more than willing to lend an ear to hear your story and your pain whenever you need to talk.

  You can message me here, or e-mail me. [email protected] , or if you have yahoo messanger, you can add me-- sassy_frassy_lassie.

  I still get depressed. And things are not smooth with my parents. But it gets better every year, and the longer I am away from it.

  You just have to take it slow now. I know you want out so bad you can taste it, and you want your freedom NOW! But it might be a better strategy to plot you escape. Keep your head down, save trouble at home, and think about the future. I know when you're depressed that is so hard to do, but that is what saved me.

  Keep talking and writing here. We all loves ya!

  take care! keep us posted...
• 

  SheilaM

  ShyTears: Hun your almost grown and it all will be easier then. You also in many States are an adult at 17, I'm sure if you talked to someone you can find a friend to take you in or you can also call locally to find some help. You also can emancipate yourself at this age, that way you can be on your own.

  Just don't give up your parents control will be gone in such a short time. Get a job and save some money and move out and DON'T EVER TRY WHAT YOU DID TONIGHT. It's not worth it please call a counselor they also have a free hotline
• 

  Victorian sky

  Shy, I really admire your courage. Not only didn't you end your life but you reached out for help and that takes a tremendous amount of inner strength. I am so sorry for what you're going through. I don't know much, but here's what I know for sure. You are precious to God and to us. No matter what your parents or the organization say, you are a worthy, valuable human being. I got baptized when I was your age (if you haven't done it, please don't!) I was one of those irritating goodie-goodie witness kids, don't think I was ever a real teenager - didn't know how to have fun, that's for sure. Any depression or doubts, I denied and fought, lied to myself and said I was happy when I wasn't. I literally ate 5 bags of candy a day, before going to a meeting or out in service because deep down I didn't want to go. I tried so hard to please everyone but myself. I'm 31 now and I didn't leave until I was 30. What I'm trying to say is that you are normal, no matter what they say. You have the right to think, feel and believe what you want. I think the advice of many here is right on - if you can, get into a college as far away from home as possible. I too was in college during my senior year in high school, it really helps. Do you have any non JW relatives you can go to? If not, plan your escape and fake it until you can make it on your own. If you ever need to talk, please contact me at [email protected]. With all my love - Victorian Sky