I have been dating my boyfriend for almost a year now. When I met him i had no idea that he was a jehovah witness. We took a vacation and he lied to his parents about who he was with, and they ended up finding out not only that he way lying, but who i was. He finallly opened up, and told me about his upbringing. He is a baptized jehovah witness, as his parents baptized him when he was just a kid. Usually, i wouldn't stay in this situation but by the time he revealed everything to me i was already emotional attached to him. He is my soul mate. He left his parents house and is now living on his own. All of his friends stopped talking to him, and he hasn't seen his parents in months. He tells me he's happy, and making the right descion but it's all taking an emotional toll on me. I feel like i will always be the girl that made him lose his relationship with his family and friends. I am scared one day he will realize that too. Has anyone been in this situation before? If so, what do you do? I love him and want what's best for him. I don't want him to end up resenting me.
My Boyfriend is a recent Ex Jehovah Witness
Go very slow, you are stepping into cult territory. If you are an open minded person, you will be shocked how powerful and harmful cults can be. You will get plenty of warning and advice soon. Just take it very slow. No marriage, no pregnancies, no legal contracts yet.
WIT12: I feel like i will always be the girl that made him lose his relationship with his family and friends
That's not on you; that's on his family and friends.
It might help your BF to seek some counseling to help him untangle the mess of beliefs and emotions that he must be experiencing as a result of leaving this religion. It might even be helpful for you to go with him, at least for some of the sessions.
The one problem is that most therapists and counselors are not really familiar with the issues ex-cult members face. (Yes, JWs are a cult).
Here is a link to a resource that you might find helpful:
Although she is now retired, Ziemann is both a therapist and a former, born-in Jehovah’s Witness.
This is from her website:
"Bonnie has the skills, knowledge, education and experience with which she can offer others help to leave high-control environments and recover from mind-control, coercion, manipulation and/or abuse."
Best wishes to you both!
Well, since you call him your soul mate, sounds like you two or in your late teens or early 20's.
Just make sure he wants to make a clean break but from the cult, he might be feeling a bit conflicted although he did move away from his parents and his friends have stopped talking to him. Lots of young folks leave, sometimes mentally it happens quickly or there may be something in their mind that might still be bugging him a bit about walking away from the cult
Why do you think you're the one that made him lose his relationship with family and friends? He's the one that chose to walk away from the JWs,
Honestly, the way he left, that is, with you, is not the best way. However, if, even after a year, along with the consequences you mention, he says he’s happy, well, you may simply believe him.
Giving up on his religion has nothing to do with you. If it was about you being a seductive temptress, it would have been a one night thing and he’d have run back to the elders, seeking forgiveness.
Instead, a year has passed and he is still with you. Sometime, we say: “Time will tell.” Well, time has passed and I think it’s telling you he is out of there.
That being said, I heard the odd stories of some poor souls going back to the JW several years after leaving. If you want to rest further at ease, ask him why he stopped. If he is logical and talks from the heart, you’ll know... heck, you’ve been with him for a year.
Regardless, you have nothing to do with him leaving. Don’t ever feed him or yourself that illogical fantasy.
Before considering any continuance of your relationship with him I would say that you need to know whether he is out of the religion mentally.
The Jehovah's Witnesses religion has a horrible habit of dragging people back in. Unless he is deconverted, you have a high risk that it could strain your relationship with him in the future.
To reconcile with his parents he has to go back to the religion. If he does that he's going to want to drag you and any offspring (if the relationship goes that far) with him. Or, he could end your relationship in order to go back. Whatever he chooses, it will be turbulent in one way or another
The desire to go back can spring out of nowhere and could happen in 10, 20, even 30 years from now.
The best advice for you is have a little look into the background of the religion before you make any decisions.
If he chooses you over his religion that is his decision. It won't ever be your fault and if he ever resented you for that decision then he would be wrong.
He will have known the implications of dating you in the first place. JWs are very strick on that kind of thing. It's his fault that he is in this predicament.
RUN LIKE HELL
He left his parents house and is now living on his own. All of his friends stopped talking to him, and he hasn't seen his parents in months. He tells me he's happy, and making the right descion but it's all taking an emotional toll on me. I feel like i will always be the girl that made him lose his relationship with his family and friends. I am scared one day he will realize that too.
He decided to leave that cult and those cult members decided to shun him. It's not on you, it's not even on him. And as for him blaming you, I am confident that will never happen. There is the smallest danger that he will want to go back to the cult for family or because he didn't really learn that it was a cult. But even then, if you are in a solid relationship, he would almost certainly want to marry you at that point if he hadn't already.
Long story short- if you can't stand the rollercoaster ride he is on, then break it off now. But it won't be better for him, it would just be for yourself that you do that. If he's your soulmate, give him a chance to work it out. Start doing research on JW's and former JW's and help him get through it better.
i'll never be able to understand how a religion can destroy the bond that should naturally exist between a parent and their kid. the whole situation is very disheartening. but thank you for taking the time and responding, and for all the advice. i think counseling was a great suggestion.
The religion comes first. The most important bond is between the parent and Jehovah because Jehovah holds the keys to their very life. So when kids come around there's something in between them, often from day one. I hope that helps you see how it works. It's messed up, I totally agree. Many people that are attracted to the cult or raised in it have narcissistic tendencies.
I think you've already been given healthy boundaries to consider here as to what is on him, his parents, and you. I hope it works out for you both.