Making the break

by Gracie 18 Replies latest social relationships

  • Gracie

    I am currently a JW but am having a bit of difficulty with it at the moment. I have always been a bit 'badly inclined' I got married at the tender age of 17 (crazy!) to a bit of a rebel (a JW but a rebel all the same!) but it all went tits up and to cut a long story short we got divorced. I moved back home with my parents and continued plodding along and a couple of years later I got married again (5 years ago) to a 'model' witness.

    I have come to the horrific realisation that I have jumped from the frying pan and into the fire. I had such a desire to please everyone that I have married a man mainly on the grounds that he is a model JW! Don't get me wrong he is lovely to me but we have absolutely nothing in common and I don't love him (maybe as a friend but that's all).

    So here I am. At the crossroads. Keep the peace and keep my friends and family or make the break, get disfellowshipped and get shunned by everyone I know!

    How have the rest of you coped making the break?? My parents are very important to me, I don't know if I can live with not seeing them again.

    p.s. Sorry if I sound like a total whinger!

  • sandy

    You are in a very difficult position. I am sorry for you. This is a desicion you must make all on your own. It sounds like you do not have any children. (I hope not) If you leave your husband do not tell your parents that you are leaving the "truth". Some how you you need to make it look like you are still interested in the "truth".

    My best advise would be to: Fade away slowly.

    Why are you not interested in staying a JW? Do you just want out of your marriage?

    You could always pretend you are having a nervous breakdown.

    Seriously though, I feel bad that you are in this situation. I am sure people here will give you better advice.

  • LB

    Gracie is it possible to do a slow fade? Are you thinking about a divorce? What do you really want to do? I know you've said that he's more of a good friend so is it divorce that would please you?

    If you were to divorce and then fade I doubt you'd lose your parents. Unless they were totally anal, which some are of course.

  • Swan


    My heart goes out to you.


  • gitasatsangha

    If you don't believe in the JW religion, at least fade. Because you have already made decisions in your mind. Trying to remain a JW will be a slow torment, and in the end, you will leave anyway. So you have freedom to do whatever you want. If you can fade away, probably you won't be bothered much. You can build up real friendships and interests and learn what freedom is all about, during that time. I'm DA'd, and I can't say that it bothers me, but I can see how it would be a terrible thing for some. Either way, best of luck to you.

  • Gracie

    Thanks everyone for your replies, they're very much appreciated. It kinds of adds to the complication when I tell you I have a 2 year old son doesn't it!

    Half the reason I am having problems with being a JW is that it suddenly dawned upon me that there's a hell of a lot I don't even know about my own religion and I go around knocking on people's doors proclaiming that I have the truth! I think a hell of a lot of people brought up as JW's don't really know half of the 'deeper things'. Its my own fault I know, I should get my head down and get researching but I just don't feel like I have the energy for it at the moment. I have broached a few questions with my husband but was greeted with a look of horror crossing his face as if I'd turned apostate then and there!

    Can I just ask though, does anyone feel any concern about all the war scenario at the moment - doesn't it make you think that there really is an armageddon coming?? And one more thing that troubles me ... I know its been mentioned elsewhere about the persecution we get being an identifying sign etc etc all the internet attacks etc and I can see the point that witnesses aren't encouraged to have their own sites and so that is why there are so many more anti than pro pages. However, what about the fact that the bible says that the real identifying mark of his people are the ones that preach from house to house. What's the gen on that??

  • LittleToe

    Over 12 years ago there was another war in the Gulf, which didn't lead to "Armaggedon".
    You fear the war, and it's implied consequences, because of this doctrine.

    JW's aren't persecuted any more than some other religious groups. Others are also slated on the Internet.
    Also, they often bring it on themselves.

    The identifying mark of true Christians was the love they'd have amongst themselves, not the preaching work. The selective list of "true marks" was designed by the WTS, not Jesus.
    On that score, they aren't any more loving than most other religions. This is exemplified by your fear of losing your family, if you leave them.

    The bottom line is, they aren't all that much different than a whole host of others, rather they are in some ways more destructive.
    My heart goes out to you, though. Your position sucks. However, you've come to the right place for advice...

  • Gopher


    Welcome to the board, you've come to a very caring place. (Well, most of the people here do care.)

    You've got a LOT to sort out, mainly your future and also that of your little boy. You have to be careful to preserve his chance for a normal, happy life.

    As far as current world events go, there have been a LOT of world events in the 20th century that were earth-shaking, but none led to Armageddon. To put it bluntly, the JW's will jump on any major news event (positive or negative) and say "see it's the sign of the end". They've been doing that since 1914. If you believe the Bible though, it says "no man knows the day or hour" hence it wouldn't be easily discernible, and it also says "when they declare peace and security, then comes their destruction." So the Bible says God's day would come during a peaceful era, not when war is about to break out! Something to think about.

    I applaud you that you've come here with an open mind. I hope you'll do some research, because knowledge is power -- and you need some strength right now. I would recommend for starters. We also have a "links" page or forum on this site, filled with helpful and balanced information on the history and teachings of Jehovah's Witnesses. BTW, I was a die-hard believer for the first 39 years of my life up until 2 and a half years ago, when I learned from personal experience that disfellowshipping can come on you for not much reason at all, other than that you got on an elder's bad side. It really opened my eyes.

    Best wishes, Gracie.

  • Lost Diamond
    Lost Diamond


    I was in a situation that was almost like yours....but we have two kids together. I'm sorry for you because this is a very sad situation you are in. The lonliness can be agony when you are married, but feel alone, which is what I asume you may be feeling since you do not "love" your husband.

    I agree with the slow fade method, but make sure your child maintains a relationship with his father. The other parent is very important in the child's life, as long as it is not an abusive relationship. It worked for me. I am now divorced and I have my life back. Good luck!

  • Gracie

    Thanks so much to everyone. I feel like I can breathe again now! Sometimes it feels like an elephant's sitting on your chest with all the crap you have to carry round. I sometimes wonder if its just me that feels like this or if there are others at the hall who feel like it too but are just good at hiding it!

    Whatever happens I'm very grateful to you all. It feels wonderful to be understood.

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