help me to readjust my thinking about my hypocritical ex....

by losingit 14 Replies latest jw experiences

  • losingit

    I am really struggling with this particular situation in my life, and i really need your help to readjust my thinking.

    I am recently divorced from my ex-jw husband. we were both disfellowshipped at around the same time about 2-3years ago. many things happened towards the end of the marriage, but what really caused the downfall was me waking up. i had not been exposed to the ttatt until after i was disfellowshipped, but i was rebelling against "the truth" in major ways. i was sick of the misogyny, the hypocrisy, how they looked down upon education (i was getting my Master's degree), their judgmentalism. I was sick of the elders, the pioneer sisters, the attitude towards preaching and helping non-jws. really, i was only a witness by name bc i disagreed with almost every major teaching once i started taking my grad school classes again.

    anyways, in terms of the marriage, i was sick of him managing our finances HORRIBLY-- he'd buy cars without telling me, he'd buy trucks for the business without consulting me, he'd go golfing almost every day. I was sick of him questioning me about my education and work goals, telling me i was a bad mother (and implying it in front of our girls) bc i was going to classes at night. (i was a stay-at-home mom). I was also sick of the fact that whenever I made plans for us, he'd cancel them bc something more important always came up (this happened twice on our anniversary two years in a row.) we couldn't do anything bc it was "bad" so no going out to go dancing, he'd give me a guilt trip about oral sex afterwards, no holidays (obviously), no going out to anything fun bc it was always a goddamn meeting night! i was miserable.

    so now we are divorced and no longer members of the organization............. and since our separation the man has made it a mission to do EVERYTHING i wanted to do with him while married. he has a goatee (which i used to love and he'd always shave), he goes out dancing and drinking, he travels now (whenever i wanted to we never had the money), he goes hiking (which when we were together he also never had time for), and of course, he has A RACK OF FRIENDS that are NOT JWS!!!!!!!!!!!!! (my grad school friends were a bad influence, i couldn't have any friends that were parents from my daughters' preschool and elementary schools, but the sisters in the congregation never thought to include me in anything)

    while we were together, all i wanted to do was do stuff together WITH HIM. but now that we are separated, he goes out and does everything on the list i wanted to do! he goes to concerts! he goes boating, kayaking. he is living it up, but when we were together, when i would say-- i am not happy being a witness, i don't want to be a witness anymore, let's please just do what we would like to do and live our lives.......... he'd run off to the meeting!

    So please tell me WHY WHY WHY this man could not do for me in these ways while we were married. he won't even answer the question. i feel like he's the biggest hypocrite in town!

    and also, i will add-- he disappeared for about a year from my girls' lives while he was out getting his head together bc of the separation (according to him.) so of course, i couldn't go out, i couldn't go dancing, hiking, boating, kayaking. i couldn't go to concerts, etc bc I HAD THE GIRLS! i literally COULD NOT DO ANYTHING bc i knew noone since all of my friends were gone and i wasn't about to leave my girls with strangers for babysitters! i STILL have no friends, by the way, but at least i have a full-time permanent job with benefits. now i can do stuff, but i tend to do family things, not go out dancing or anything bc i am just too broke.................

    my ex-husband cannot answer me when i confront him about this topic. he is mute, just mute. and i want to understand so that i can move on. i think understanding will help me move on.......

  • PaintedToeNail

    Sounds to me like he was a control freak. He wanted you down and depressed, that way he could treat you whatever way he wanted and you would have to put up with it. He didn't feel the need to make any effort to please you and you were supposed to be happy with it, because he was the 'head', and you were to be the submissive wife.

    Now, he has started doing all the things you wanted to do, and he is still controlling you, you feel you can't move on due to his behavior. Of course he won't answer, he might not even realize he is doing it consciously. But you are still being submissive by letting him toy with your mind. Refuse to listen to what he is doing, it doesn't matter what he is doing. It only matters what you are doing, you are wasting you life being concerned about him. Get out there and hike-there are hiking clubs and all different kinds of clubs listed on Meetup and they do lots of things that don't require a ton of money. Here is wishing happiness to you!


  • vinman
    I know many people that were in the same situation. I think sometimes we overanalyze the question why. It is easy to wonder, "what did I do?" We have a tendency to blame ourselves. In reality, many are just selfish, self-centered people. Many men simply want the wife to be there for them. To serve them. They only love themselves. Most likely he would have treated anyone the same way. Now it is time to take care of yourself.
  • rebel8

    since our separation the man has made it a mission to do EVERYTHING i wanted to do with him while married.

    Maybe he learned from his mistake. It is a big blow to lose a significant other, and often we try to fix our mistakes so our next relationship is successful.

  • millie210

    In my experience when a man is mute in the face of an easy question, it is because he knows he doesnt have a good answer.

    Being in "the truth" was hard on your marriage. It also sounds like he is a very immature individual apart from or because of being a JW.

    The bottom line is, all the things you wanted to do that he is now doing (concerts, boating etc) are available to you also Those are things anyone can avail themselves of.

    Could it be that in the marriage you were cast in the role of the "responsible" one while he filled the "role" of the "fun" one?

    If so, now is the time for YOU to write your own role. All of your maturity and goal setting has paid off. You have a good job and most importantly you have a clear record of caring and being a loving parent with your girls. That is an incredible achievement. They may not understand now but they will when they are older.

    So now is time for you to ease up a bit on yourself and realize you dont have to counteract his ying with your yang. You are not in a role of having to over balance to create balance.

    Take a deep breath and start small. Find some girlfriends or a single parents group. Or maybe you have some other interest that you would like to pursue. There are a LOT of people who want and need a friend. If there isnt a single parents group - start one.

    You have done all the hard part - now its time to re invent a little bit.

    All the best to you - you can do this.

  • zophar

    So sorry you are experiencing this.

    Learning TTATT can have a different affect on each of us. Remember how we go through different stages on our way to a more normal life. Add to that a recent divorce, a lot of emotional changes for both of you.

    Things might be very different in a short time. Do you still love him? Are you wanting to try to re-establish your relationship, or are you just resenting his current lifestyle? If the latter, then your feelings will adjust with time. However, if you still have hopes of a relationship it will be more difficult and probably demand more communication with your ex.

    Examine yourself and see if you can figure out why the resentment. I remember Wayne Dyer (Author) said: "You can't should have done anything." In other words, the past is the past. Easier said than done. If you have a decent relationship with the ex, you might in time find you could discuss your feelings with him in a way that might prove helpful.

    Sure proud of what you have accomplished in a short period of time. Hope things get better and better for you and the girls!

  • SecretSlaveClass

    My advice: forget about what he's doing with his life and concentrate on getting yours to a place where you'll be happy. Learn to be happy and secure on your own and take each day as a new lesson and experience as you advance towards your goals - just don't expect your life to change to amazing overnight - adjustments like this take time but you'll reap the long term rewards. Go out, relax, have fun and concentrate on yourself and kids and forget about him.

    Good luck with your future as a free individual and keep us informed of your progress.

  • new2ttatt

    I dated a guy like this who wasn't even a witness for a few years. My life was absolutely miserable. He was so controlling, I lived in fear of doing anything or even saying the wrong things, because I was afraid that it might upset him. Even after the relationship was over I would often stop to think whether he would approve of me doing certain things. For a while I was basically a hermit with no friends who worked and stayed in.

    Sometimes these kinds of people can oppress you so much that it literally sucks the life out of you. It has taken me a few months to get out of the mental prison I was in with him. But I am slowly allowing myself to enjoy life and do things that I like to do. I am the happiest that I have ever been. Of course financially I don't have alot but I would rather be broke and have my peace of mind than spend another second with someone like that.

    I understand that its hard to let go sometimes I went through the stages of anger and resentment. But I realized that I now had my freedom and that he could no longer hurt me anymore. So why should I use my precious time thinking about him? If I continued to sit and think about him and feel resentment and anger that would just keep me stuck forever and I would never be trully free from him.

    I also agree with the other comments that you don't need alot of money to do things. I find when I get stuck in a bad mood sometimes. It helps to just get up and get out away from my thoughts. I absolutely love driving and watching the beautiful scenery it helps to take my mind off of things.

  • DesirousOfChange

    I also agree with the other comments that you don't need alot of money to do things

    If you have custody of your (his) two kids, he should be sending you a nice check every month so money isn't so tight. Get it ordered by a judge.


    The greatest revenge is living a happy & successful life!

  • truthseeker100

    I agree with what SecretSlaveClass said! From the title of this thread "Help me readjust my thinking", don't you think that your thinking has been readjusted enough already by the WBTS?

    As for the silence when confronted with questions, that's a male thing. Having a testosterone laden brain myself I do the same thing when confronted by my wife. The response is there in his head he just can't verbalize it at the time. Sort of the fight or flight instinct kicking in.

    Good luck

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