My boyfriend is thinking of becoming reinstated (page 3)

Nathan Natas

You need to read this thread:

http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/topic/5083023288565760/finally-posting-im-frustrated

flamegrilled

Seems to be a lot of people making assumptions about your boyfriend and his mum.

Although some are giving you good things to look out for, there are a lot of variables that could lead to some bad advice.

Personally I feel that if you are asking a bunch of strangers whether you should get out of a relationship, then you've probably already answered your own question.

However I'd like to address to point about him being duplicitous. A lot of people on this site have had to be duplicitous at one time or another in order to manage their situation in relation to the organization of JWs. I think it would be hypocritical of most to judge your BF on that basis.

And as far as his mother, I have the most dyed-in-the-wool JW mother you could ever expect. She would shun me if the org told her to. However she was perfectly prepared to see me hitched with someone who was not a JW if that's what I decided to do at one stage in my life. She might have hoped for her to become a JW, but her support in that particular case was not conditional.

So it's really hard for someone else to make these judgments for you, although many will no doubt throw their hats into the ring.

If you decide to stay with him it will be complicated. That much I can certainly agree with. But then many relationships are complicated, and people work them out. It all depends what you want.

gypsyvine

Giordano - Church of Christ doesn't DF anyone or get in anyones business. Your screw ups are between you and God. You ask him for forgiveness. I can come and go to church as I please - they reach out to me and say they miss me, but they don't judge. You're not supposed to have sex before marriage but you don't get like shunned for it.

His mom, dad, and brothers all talk to him, but I don't think she can be open about it. I'm close with his brothers. So I know none of them are really following the rules.

I just want to scoop him up and move away. I feel if it wasn't for his parents he wouldn't go..

gypsyvine

flamegrilled - I came here because I am not a JW and I needed advice from people who know more about it than me. Not to ask strangers for advice..

LisaRose

It's possible that it could all work out, but it's not going to be easy.

The big question is, does he believe this religion is the truth or not? This is a cult, plain and simple, they use mind control to manipulate people, it's a hard thing to overcome. If he has researched this religion and doesn't believe it's "The Truth", and is only going back for his mom that would be one thing. But if he is just having a detour, engaging in conduct he believes to be wrong out of weakness, then the outlook for the future is not good for the both of you. Very often young JWs will have a rebellion, but later go back out of guilt, because they never understood how much they had been manipulated, and still think this is the one true religion. Of course he would never believe or accept that it is a cult, that is the nature of cults.

I would hate for you to invest a lot of time in a relationship only to be disappointed when he decides to marry a JW. Even if you got married, the JW life is to be quite involved in the preaching work, hours of meetings every week and lots of study. Are you prepared if he decides to embrace that life? What if you had children, are you OK with them going to the Kingdom Hall on a regular basis? How would you feel if your husband taught them that you will be destroyed at Armageddon because you were not a JW? This is what they actually believe. You have seen for yourself the awful practice of shunning, is that what you want in your life? I have seen hundreds of families torn apart by this, including my own, it's not pretty.

If I were you I would ask your boyfriend to do some research on the history of his religion. Most Jehovah's Witnesses have been taught to fear anything written by former members, we are considered "mentally diseased apostates". It's a sort of phobia, the fear makes them reject anything we say, that's why it's so hard to get them to mentally break free. But if he is willing to look into it you might have a chance. I suggest JWfacts.com as a start, or to read the book "crisis of conscience". If he refuses to consider "apostate" sites, then it's going to be harder, but you could suggest he research some of the main teachings from a neutral source. He could research early leaders like Charles Russel, or Rutherford on Wikipedia, do a search on sex abuse and Jehovah's Witnesses or the Australian Commission and Jehovah's Witnesses. Also, have him research one of the churches main teachings, which is the end times chronology based on the fall of Jerusalem in 607 (hint, it didn't actually fall in 607). If you are willing to do some research, I suggest "Combatting Cult Mind Control" by Steve Hassan. He has good info on how to help someone in someone in a cult to break free.

Good luck.

OutsiderLookingIn

Hi gypsyvine, welcome. I know where you're coming from, knowing little to nothing about JWs besides "they're nice people". Legalistic maybe but still nice. I'll PM you later, but here are a few initial thoughts--

First, be careful. Lazy Christians are just the low hanging fruit the WT is after for their carefully crafted and very selective presentation of the Bible. Know the Word for yourself. Also, it's very possible she's being nice to you for a reason: smiling face plus your love for her son equals more likely to convert.

As women, we're often led by our hearts so I'd say, get informed and slow down/stop the physicality. Not to be a prude but that really keeps emotions high. Ending that will help you to make a clearer headed decision. It will also let you see how willing he is to stick around.

Lastly, be firm. Reiterate that you'll never become a JW and have reasons to back it up (there are many). Otherwise, they might think they can wear you down over time. All the best!

flamegrilled

I came here because I am not a JW and I needed advice from people who know more about it than me. Not to ask strangers for advice..

I phrased that clumsily in my post I will admit. All I'm saying is that you've got people here say "you should do ..." "I would hate to see [such and such] happen to you", etc.

The reality is that most of these people will forget you exist once they move to another thread. It's just an internet forum. I know you know that, but people throw advice around on life changing issues like this as if it's confetti.

I wouldn't have even commented except that at least I've been through a personal situation where there were at least some similarities with the place your BF is in. He's the guy you need to talk to. And the questions are like a lot of difficult relationship questions - what's his commitment to you? what will happen if he has to choose between you and his status with someone or something else (in this case JW's)?

I hope things work out for you.

Esse quam videri

'...I guess just keep me some kind of secret and then marry me someday...'

RUN!!!

Unless you like the feeling of a shredded heart.

zeb

"His mother loves me by the way".. really? because in her mind what you are now is a good little girl who she will see into the kh once her 'baby' get reinstated. I fear for you.

WT mothers ....................AAARRRGGGHHH!

ttdtt

Your happiness will soon end if he gets reinstated and wants to really be a JW.

My boyfriend is thinking of becoming reinstated