Will I Ever Belong

by rebel 25 Replies latest jw experiences

  • Pleasuredome

    dont think about how you can/could have fitted in at the cong. try and find some people of more intelligence like yourself at nightclass or club etc. you aint alone, i'm with you too

  • shera

    Hi Rebel,I felt the same way as a JW. I'm a bit of a loner but I do have my close friends that I stick to.

    Just be yourself and except yourself,and perhaps join something that you like and you will find people who share the same intrests.


  • DanTheMan

    From a misfit to a misfit,

    I know how you feel. My JW years were very lonely, and it ain't much better now.

  • blackout

    Hi Rebel

    I know this feeling too, and I think perhaps everyone feels this way at various times throughout their life.

    Our need to belong to a group is a survival instinct. What I have found is that as you get more self assured and confidant and develop your life skills, you will have less need to BELONG and are happy to be a part of something when you feel like it and alone when you feel like it.

    Try doing somethings like join an adventure group, or spend a night camping all alone, get lots of life experiences and your self confidence will soar.

    Blackout Of the 'still not there yet' class

  • Maverick

    Dear Rebel; Welcome to the outsiders club. You are not alone my friend. I used to watch how the J-duds treated one another and then how they treated me and boy was it different! Are you an artist? As an artist I find I travel to the beat of a different drummer all the time. Even as a member of Mensa there are times when I just don't fit in. It is not as bad as the J-duds. At least if I start in on Applied Chaos or Quanta the Mensans don't look at me as if I had two heads like the J-duds did! The J-duds all like to brag about how cheeply they got their suits and stuff. One day I had enough of the I'm not materialistic crap and told the brothers standing around I got the best deal on my suit. I told them I beat up a drunk and just had the suit drycleaned and it only cost me $3.50! They didn't get it. They just stood their and looked at me like I had two heads! Don't beat yourself up, there are some 'real' people out there...somewhere! Maverick

  • kat_newmas

    I also "know how you feel" (boy I could post that message on half of these boards!) I dont "fit in" either. For years I let that get the best of me... kept trying to justify it... I mean they teach you to "be no part of the world" and then by the time you get the nerve up to leave.... you dont know how to be a part of anything else.

    I made it work for me though. You can too.... concentrate on the things that MAKE you different. With too much time alone on my hands, I began to play with some leftover exterior house paint and some ply-wood. Now ten years later... I am artist.

  • kat_newmas

    the lion was play time painting though... I was just hangin out in the back yard one day, I found a photo of a lion drinking... but this one I did on a half sheet of plywood about seven years ago... it is called the burning man... has nothing to do with "hell" .....It is my belief that man enjoys pain and suffering in some twisted way. suffering brings people together(like this site)....

  • rebel

    Thanks for all your replies.

    It's funny, but as someone mentioned, you try so hard as a JW not to get involved with family or work associates that are not JWs. All I ever seemed to do was 'watch my association'. I got so good at putting up a guard that now it is hard to bring it down. Maybe I'm just different and will never really fit in with most people. I know my life as a JW caused me to have some pretty warped beliefs. I was always like two people - half of me wanted to be a JW and 'fit in', the other half hated it and didn't believe a word. The cruelty I experienced wasn't loving or christian and some bros and sis used to go out of their way to make me feel like an outsider. I know I will feel better as time goes by.

    Thank you all for caring.


  • berylblue

    I totally understand how you feel. My sense of not belonging has diminished with age. Most likely because I'm too worn out to care, but also because I understand that many, many persons feel exactly as you do. But most are afraid to open up and voice their concerns. You are very brave.

    Please write to me at berylblue@yahoo.com. I do care.


  • Cicatrix

    Hi Rebel,

    I just left the borg last summer officially, but it was a very long process for me, and I was pretty much nothing but a shell when I realised I had to leave.

    I was absolutly terrified at the prospect of making new friends- I still am to be honest. But one thing I've found that helps is to pursue something that you just really love. For me, that's writing. I'm taking a journalism class right now, and I'm starting to become friends with my class mates because we speak the same "language".

    Because of my passion, I found a book called "The Artist's Way." It's supposed to help you unleash your inner creativity, but it does much more than that. It helps you to get down to the reasons why you are blocked and hesitant in various areas of your life. Using a daily journaling process, you explore why you are the way you are. You vent, you grieve, you explore new possibilities.

    Another thing that has helped me is to explore my dreams. I use a dream symbol book based on Jungian psychology. I'm also taking mythology, which is really helping me to put all the pieces together and understand that I'm really not basically that different from the way that all humans are-it was just drilled into my head for years by the org-the same org that told me to strip my personality of everything that made me unique(and nearly killed me in the process).

    I've also come to the realisation that I have to just get out there. I pretend like I'm confident and together, then pretty soon I feel like I am (I'm becoming a pretty good actress,lol). It's wierd how that works. I went out with my sisters for the first time since leaving the borg. We had a birthday bash for my sis, myself, and a couple of other people. I just pretended like I was Cinderella-I dressed up, put my chin up at a saucy level, and smiled at everyone (and hid my trembling hands under the table). And the wierd part was, everyone was enchanted, to my amazement. I even had the band members hanging at our table and they played my same request twice by the end of the evening.I was absolutelty exhausted by the end of the evening from the strain of my role, but it was a start, and a big improvement over my never-lift-your-eyes-from-the-floor former self of a few months ago.

    In communications class, I learned that when people move to a foreign country, they react in different ways. Some just can't cope at all and return to their old country, some have limited association with their new country, living in areas with people of their same ethnicity, and some assimilate their new culture quite well. What really seems to make the difference is if they are willing to just forge ahead, make mistakes, and learn to live like the natives of that land, observing new customs that help make them a part of the new society.

    Exjws are a lot like immigrants, I think. We have to learn a whole new way of living and relating to people (no more instant friendships via Get Togethers tm, lol). If you've ever had the chance to observe someone new to our country, you'll see this. They typically start off just observing a lot and asking a lot of questions, then when they feel more comfortable, they'll start conversing with you-asking about your background and sharing theirs with you until you find a common interest from which understanding and fellowship can blossom. They have to deal with new customs and a new language, and they make mistakes, but they don't give up.

    I've handled my assimilation to my culture by taking political science and mythology courses, and I plan to take science courses, philosophy, and psychology also. I joyously celebrate holidays. I write and paint with abandon, and surf the internet for hours.I am also starting to open up and speak about my cult experiences with caring people on the "outside". These are all things that were forbidden to me in the jw culture, but my new culture permits them, so by participating in them, I am losing my fear and hesitancy and feeling more "normal".

    Immigrants also have to deal with small-minded people who prey on their vulnerability. I've had to deal with my share of these too, like you. There is always someone ready to trash you when you are feeling good about yourself. You know why--They are jealous!!! You are doing something right, and you threaten them! Whatever you're doing at that point, keep it up. Just ignore them, or at least look like you are ignoring them. Getting no reaction from you will usually shut them up.I know it's hard to do, but remember, they are just a few amongst many millions of people on this planet, and they have no more right to happiness than you do. It gets easier to ignore them as time goes by lol! You may even find yourself calmly confronting them at some point down the road.

    In regards to you feeling like two people, that's called dissociation, and it's caused by trying to live a life that is unacceptable to your psyche. If you enjoy reading, you might try "Man and His Symbols", edited by Carl Jung. A very long read, but very informative (if you can wade through my post, you can handle Jung, lol).

    Another possiblity is that you have an introverted personality. That doesn't mean you are antisocial, it means that you do often need time by yourself to reflect on things, and you may choose to have fewer friends than someone who is an extrovert.Introverts, do, however, feel a bit different, as most people are extroverts (I'm an introvert myself).

    I guess what I'm trying to say in a nutshell is give yourself some time. Get to know who you really are, explore your passions.Become your own best friend. You are a very articulate person with a lot to offer. Find out what you love the most, and come share it with us:)

    {{{Berylblue}}} You've had a tough journey.You're courageous to speak out and keep on keeping on.

    To Rebel, Berylblue, Kat, Maverick and all the other outsiders--A toast to those who march to the beat of their own drum.

    Well, sorry my post is so long. I just feel so connected to this issue. Anyway, I'm off to explore astral travel, because it's interesting, and I CAN!!

    Happy Freedom Rebel:)

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