Hello my dear friends,
While this post may not be entirely witness related, I figured I'd write out my thoughts here as a form of release and reflection.
Recently, a lot has changed in my life. I'm away from home for the first time in a long while training to get certified in a field I'm not even sure I want to work in anymore. I am surrounded by people I have nothing in common with, people that are much older than me but act like infants, people that I have no desire to associate with, yet I have to work with them every day of the week and put up with their miserable selves.
In addition to that, something wonderful happened. I went to a night club for the first time in my life! A friend wanted to go and kept pestering me to come with him. Upon arrival, I sat at the bar, drowning in my thoughts when the bartender decides to come up and have a little chat with me. Seeing how I speak semi-broken french, she asked where I was from, what I was doing here. We talked about her, how she has a kid and how she has a desire for adventure. Anyways, it felt wonderful having a woman seem to be geniunly interested in me. Not what I seemed to get from the witness girls. So, the week after, I decide to go back to the hell hole that is a night club and see if there might be something more than a friendly discussion. Turns out, she comes in before work, sits at a table next to my friends and I and can't stop looking at me until I make eye contact so she can say "hi" in quite the excited fashion. Minutes later, my friend says he has to go out for a smoke and invites me to come with him so he can chat with me about the bartender who we'll call Amy. Well, we didn't even have the time to chat because here she comes looking for me worried that I had left without even talking to her.
And this is where I find out I'm incapable of a romantic relationship with women. She starts talking to me and I freeze. Not only can I not express myself the way I want to in French, but it's been years since I've spoken to a girl, face to face who seemed interested in me. So, as per the usual fashion, I blank and there is wonderful, awkward silence. I manage to restart the conversation for a few minutes before she goes back in to work. My friend then says, Garrett, either she really likes you or she sees you as a tourist and wants to be nice and chat. The minute he says that, all my hopes come crashing down and I realize that all women that I'm interested in will always see me as a friend and nothing more. I decided to go back to the bar this weekend, ask her for her phone number so we can chat (because it's impossible to talk to her where she works) and get to know one another. But at the same time, I don't want to... Why? Because I know that she won't be interested. I will muster my courage to ask her, have my heart pounding a hole through my chest and she will take her shoe and crush it until it's a big pile of mush. In addition to that, I know what will happen if she, by some miracle, does accept...I'll have to do what I always do and sabotage the relationship.
Sabotage is my middle name. Every. Single. Relationship. At first, I enjoy the relationship. It's fun and I enjoy having someone to talk to, someone to care for. However, it seems that with time, that fades and is replaced by feelings of withdrawal, guilt, sadness, and fear. Ultimately, I end up losing all feelings for the person I just previously treated like a queen, like the love of my life. I end up slowly withdrawing from them. I talk less and less, I show less and less interest, I feel sad when I speak to them, I feel guilty... I don't know why these feelings slowly creep up, but they do.
Then, when I'm alone for a time, I feel a bit sad but quickly feel much better. I feel like myself again. I'm happy to be alone. My dilemma, though, is that at the same time, I DO want a relationship, I just never feel right when in one. The person can be great, can be exactly wat I'm looking for, but I will always find the bad, find reasons not to be in a relationship, find reasons to stop talking to them. I try to figure out what's wrong with me, what causes this, but am unable to find the cause. I ask myself, is it because I've been alone all my life? Is it because I thrived by myself since I was 7 years old and whenever I did have a reliationship with someone, that someone let me down in the end? If so, why do I not think about those specific reasons, but end up feeling this way because of them? Do you understand what I'm trying to say?
Then there are the amical relationships. While I enjoy having a relationship with someone, I get tired of people rather quickly. I'll do everything and anything for you if you are my friend, no questions asked, but after some time, I once again, withdraw within myself and no longer wish to communicate with you for extended periods of time. In fact, upon reflection, I feel as if extended amounts of interactions with people actually causes me to become quite depressed. I'm really not sure why, though.
Perhaps this stems from other issues caused by my abusive upbringing... or because of the cult I was in for 6 years of my life... or a culmination of both... Or perhaps something different, entirely... I have no idea.
Anyways, I thank you for your time in reading this if you've come this far and hope that you've had a wonderful weekend.
As always, peace and love,