Been encouraging my husband to contact his DF'd brother

by atacrossroads 13 Replies latest jw friends

  • atacrossroads

    My husband has a brother he has not spoken too in years not even when he became an adult. There is a big age gap between them and when his brother was DF'd he was still a small child. His brother was 17 when he was DF'd for sex and when he turned 18 he left home and never looked back. He joined the military and made a career out of it and lived overseas for many years. He left the military and a few years ago and is living in the states again and is very successful from what I understand.

    My husband told me that after he moved out that his parents would contact him once a year to see if he wanted to come back. Their final email from him was that he researched the religion and told them they were in a cult and that he did not want to have any contact with them or superficial contact. On this board what he did is referred to as "reverse shunning".

    He has a family of his own now. The last contact they had indirecting was when their mother sent a message via facebook to his wife and introduced herself. His wife never responded to the message. I find this situation to be intolerable and so sad.

    I asked my husband if he was ever tempted to reach out to his brother or wanted any type of relationship with him. He said he was tempted many times to reach out to him but he said he always talked himself out of it because at the end of the day what relationship could they have. This is where its so hard for me not to trash the religion but I refrained and told him I think he should seriously rethink his decision.

    I want to contact my brother in law so bad but I don't want to open that door if my husband turns around and shuns him after some contact because of me. I really am not sure if my husband could shun his brother though if they reconnected. I think his brother might be the key to him leaving the JW's. Trying to get him to research his religion I don't think is the answer. It's family bonds. The research can come later when he is more open to it. He has cut back on field service but he still attends meetings. I noticed a big change in his attitude toward me after my crazy mother tried to drag me to the KH and the elders showing up and trying to ask me the loyalty questions. The more agressive they have gotten with me the more alienated he has gotten with them. He also seems to be enjoying the free time he has now since he resigned as a MS. My biggest fear is that his JW family will be able to get to him and he will get sucked back in more than he already is. Aggghh I don't know what I should do!!

  • Wulf
    I think if you can reconnect family members it's great. However it might require a lot of hard work and patience. This type of situation can be very delicate and fraught with problems.
  • Diogenesister

    I say go for it. What's the worse that can happen, they dont talk to each other?!!

    You know you only live once. Your only gonna have so many siblings. Can you at least determine for sure if your husband would shun him. If not, you have your green light!

  • Pete Zahut
    Pete Zahut
    Maybe you can contact the older brother and tell him just what you've told us. Perhaps he may have some suggestions or will at least be pleased to know that his brother hasn't forgotten him.
  • dubstepped
    I was still in and after nearly a decade reached out to my DFed brother. As soon as family members found out both my family and my wife's started shunning us. My family just became very aloof, but my wife's sister instantly deemed us apostates and spread the word. We've never spoken again, and it has been months. Earlier this month we both disassociated formally and are not longer JWs. If he does reach out to him, there may be serious consequences for him. It is seen as an act of disloyalty to God, which we all know means the WTBTS.
  • nicolaou

    Tricky situation but perhaps Pete's suggestion to contact your brother in-law is a good one. He might actually be able to help you or, worst case scenario, advise you not to waste your time.

    Hopefully not though, don't give up hope. Me and my brother were estranged for twenty years because of this stupid cult but in the end I reached out to him.

    I posted our story here; Me and My Brother.

  • jhine

    i think that Pete's idea is a good un' . If you explain to your BIL exactly your husband's state of mind so that if he makes contact he will be under no illusions then that is fine

    .For all you know he might be longing to get back in touch but not be sure of the reception he will get .


  • Oubliette

    This religion ruins families and destroy natural bonds.

    Read your husband this scripture and ask him who it applies to in his situation:

    • But know this, that in the last days critical times hard to deal with will be here. For men will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, haughty, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, disloyal, having no natural affection, not open to any agreement, slanderers, without self-control, fierce, without love of goodness, betrayers, headstrong, puffed up with pride, lovers of pleasures rather than lovers of God, having an appearance of godliness but proving false to its power; and from these turn away - 2 Timothy 3:1-5


    Ask him why he won't reach out to his own brother?

  • ToesUp
    Maybe the DF'd Brother is happy and content with his life. I can relate to this. When my family gets involved in my life it causes nothing but stress and it is just not worth the trouble. Maybe the DF'd Brother is happy and wants to move on with his life.
  • KateWild

    Sad situation.....looks like your BIL doesn't want anything to do with his family.

    Very tricky......but I would contact him regularly and be patient about him responding.

    Take care

    Kate xx

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