Today is the day I realize that I'm being toyed with.
I hate being a pawn. I hate being used. I hate feeling like people have had nothing more than a phony selfish reason for having any interest in me.
I hate it when I invest my time and energy - and even moreso that I've invested my soul - into things that I think are of value and merit, only to find out that I am only valued as long as I am useful, and not one minute beyond that expiration date.
These are the times when I want to disappear, to fall asleep and never wake up. To start life over in a fresh, new place, without baggage, without expectations, without caring about anyone or anything.
That's my problem: I care. Damn it, I fucking care. It's one of my best strengths. It's also the cause of every single one of my downfalls. It will always cause me to land on the dungheap of despair and disappointment. If only I could cut out my heart and never care about anything or anyone ever again. To be selfish and not allow anyone the luxury of knowing the real me. Like a turtle, I retreat into my shell, away from the wounding forces that drift in and out of my life. Knowing the danger in sticking my neck out for any reason is in the risk of being stepped on.
My shell is safe and secure. My shell is dark and quiet like my mood. When I'm in there, nobody notices, just like they don't notice when I'm out. But I can't get hurt if I stay there the way I always end up when I venture just a little on the outside. My shell is peaceful and at the same time it echoes over and over to remind me of my stupidity, my gullibility, in resounding decibels of anguish.
I'll stay until the noise of my own thoughts subsides. I'll stay until it's safer to be outside than inside.