Today

by Scully 36 Replies latest social relationships

• 

  Scully

  Today is the day I realize that I'm being toyed with.

  I hate being a pawn. I hate being used. I hate feeling like people have had nothing more than a phony selfish reason for having any interest in me.

  I hate it when I invest my time and energy - and even moreso that I've invested my soul - into things that I think are of value and merit, only to find out that I am only valued as long as I am useful, and not one minute beyond that expiration date.

  These are the times when I want to disappear, to fall asleep and never wake up. To start life over in a fresh, new place, without baggage, without expectations, without caring about anyone or anything.

  That's my problem: I care. Damn it, I fucking care. It's one of my best strengths. It's also the cause of every single one of my downfalls. It will always cause me to land on the dungheap of despair and disappointment. If only I could cut out my heart and never care about anything or anyone ever again. To be selfish and not allow anyone the luxury of knowing the real me. Like a turtle, I retreat into my shell, away from the wounding forces that drift in and out of my life. Knowing the danger in sticking my neck out for any reason is in the risk of being stepped on.

  My shell is safe and secure. My shell is dark and quiet like my mood. When I'm in there, nobody notices, just like they don't notice when I'm out. But I can't get hurt if I stay there the way I always end up when I venture just a little on the outside. My shell is peaceful and at the same time it echoes over and over to remind me of my stupidity, my gullibility, in resounding decibels of anguish.

  I'll stay until the noise of my own thoughts subsides. I'll stay until it's safer to be outside than inside.
• 

  nilfun

  Very moved by your writing...I hope you're okay.
• 

  calamityjane

  {{{{{{{{{ scully}}}}}}}}}}}}}

  OMG, can I help in some way What's got you so upset. Or am I asking a stupid question, and your venting?
• 

  Gopher

  Scully,

  Good people get beaten down quite a bit. Their motives are doubted. Why are you being good? What do you really want to gain?

  It'll NEVER be safer on the outside of the shell than it is inside. But life is lived on the outside.

  Yes you'll get your fair share of lumps, perhaps more so because you come across as a kind person who will never retaliate. Some coldhearted ones treat people like us quite cruelly.

  But continuing to try and do good is a reward in itself. As you near the end of your lifetime, you will feel happier for having continued to try to put yourself forth than to just hide away and let someone else do the work of being good.

  If this makes any sense, I'm glad. It's the way I believe. The self-reward that comes from extending ourselves (at a personal risk, even) outweighs the opinions and efforts of the coldhearted idiots of the world.

  I hope your tomorrow is better than your today. I think you have a lot to offer.
• 

  xjw_b12

  ((((((Scully.)))))))

  I was worried about you, as I noticed you haven't been around lately. email me please .
• 

  teenyuck

  {{{{{Scully}}}}}

  I hope you are ok....
• 

  pr_capone

  (((((((((( Scully ))))))))))))

  I hope everything is ok with you.

  Eric
• 

  sf

  {{non patronizing hug}}

  Hey there,

  How about that phone call now (soon). If you are up to it. Let me know if I can expect one soon. Listen, you will glad you did!

  sKally
• 

  rebel

  "That's my problem: I care. Damn it, I fucking care. It's one of my bests strengths. It's also the cause of every single one of my downfalls. It will always cause me to land on the dungheap of dispair and disappointment. If only I could cut out my heart and never care about anything or anyone ever again."

  Scully - I don't know you and don't know what has happened to make you feel so bad. But I just wanted to say something. You say that because you care, you end up getting hurt all the time - that's probably true. But it is better to be a person with feelings, who cares about things and people, than be a heartless person who only looks out for themselves. You sound like the sort of person who would be so valuable as a friend - there aren't that many people like you. I have been let down so many times by so many people. I know what it is like to wear your heart on your sleeve, to go out of your way for others, only to be let down (again!). But I would rather go on as I am and care about others and love them and try to help, even if it means getting hurt, than to be someone with an icy stone for a heart. You sound such a genuine, warm, loving person and anyone would be privileged to have a friend like you. I always like reading your posts. Don't let stupid, unthinking, cruel people get you down. I hope you feel better soon.

  Warmest love

  Roz

  xxR
• 

  JH

  Scully,

  You're one of the first persons who greeted me on this forum a few months ago, and I really appreciated it. You are a caring person, it shows.

  Don't let anything put you down. Give your best shot at whatever pleases you, but don't get sick over it.

  Cheer up, we all love you.