Letter to my dad-----need feedback please!!!!!!!!!!!

by Jesika 31 Replies latest jw friends

  • anti-absolutism

    I agree wholeheartedly with Francois that it is for YOU. My wife was abused as a child, and she hasn't CONFRONTED the abuser yet. She said she doesn't want to ruin his life.

    My very strong opinion, (from my own experience) is that confronting the abuser is a necessary first step. I tried to express to her that, while her intentions of not wanting to ruin his life, are VERY noble, that it still doesn't change the fact that when the abuser is not confronted, it upsets the law of relativity in the universe. When the VICTIM suffers, and the ABUSER doesn't, it takes all of the power and energy from the VICTIM and unfairly moves it over to the ABUSER. It is not natural or good for the victim to continue to suffer.

    It is a very self-empowering thing that you are doing. I also agree, though that it shouldn't be in anger either and it doesn't seem as though it is.

    Take care, Brad

  • Jesika

    My father and I have discussed this before, but I would get side tracked when talking to him and there were things I hadn't told him. For example, about the real reason I got baptized was to get df'd.

    This is very healing for me and it is good to get it off my chest. I doubt he will have much to say to me, but that is kinda the point. I am sick of him wanting to have a relationship with me, then not doing anything to prove it.

    I guess this is kinda a goodbye letter. I don't want him in my life anymore, not that he is anyway, but I wanted him to know this is the way I feel and why.

    If there is a confruntation that comes from this letter, well, I don't back down. I am ready to confrount him, since I have done this in the past many times. I am just tired of going over this with him, and him not seeing where he is wrong (reguarding the 2 eye witness thing and not reporting it to the cops).

    So, this will probably be the last time I will "speak" to him. I will have closure.


  • xenawarrior

    Jesika, that is a very heartfelt and powerful letter. One thing I would like to ask you is - when you are writing these letters- this and the ones you haven't sent- does it help you? Does the process of writing provide some solace for you? I can imagine you having difficulty actually talking to him and getting all twisted up by his words in attempting that. The whole thing is awful and the fact that things aren't changing much doesn't make it any better. It may be that you have to work towards finding your own closure to this, without him. You are doing well on moving in that direction though and my hat's off to you !!!!!


  • jgnat

    It is a very good letter, Jes. I am glad you understand the letter is for you, not for him. I was a little worried that you might have thought something like this would turn him around, but that almost never happens with someone as self-deceived as your dad.

    Good for you.

  • LB

    Jesika I just got back from basketball practice. I was watching the end of the girls team practice and you came to mind. There is a young girl on the team that I know lives in an abusive home. She's a mess because of it. So I started thinking about the letter you wrote. I normally wouldn't give this sort of advice since I'm on the outside.

    I want you to send it. It's good for you. It needs to be said. Go for it. It is a knee to dads nuts but......

    needs to be done

  • LyinEyes

    Jesika,,,,,,, I read this as soon as you asked me to ,,,,,,,in chat today........ It is a good letter, to the point and the ball is left in his court......... BUT......... as I have said your dad sounds like mine,,,,,,,,and the kind of man my dad is ,,,,,he will NEVER admit fault. There are things in my childhood he will not discuss, I am nothing but a reminder of what was once a bad dream to him. I am part of the first woman who gave birth to his child and now,,,,,,,,he wants to sweep me under the carpet , like I don't exsist.....Sad but true. Jesika, when you send this letter, it may be the final chapter in you and your dad's relationship.....I am sure if he doesnt want to admit he was wrong it is the best thing. I know on my side of the story,,,,,,,I am better off , an orphan,,,,,,motherless and fatherless, than to have someone who will not admit they are wrong, they were wrong.

    I may stand alone, but really Jes ,, we have ourselves to be true to. We have partners that are steadfast and true, children that know the truth, friends who know the truth......we have to come to terms that ,,that is the way it has to be. And yet,,,,,, we are better off ......... because we don't have to listen to their poison anymore or take their abuse even thou we are grown. Healing means moving forward,,,,,,,,and as hard as that is,,,,,,,, as painful as it is........ we have to let it die it's own death......and move on. I am just saying this to you Jes, because I havent written my dad a letter,,,,, I am not sure he would be allowed to read it, if his wife finds it first,,,,how sad is that........she said many times the letters my sister wrote to my dad were thrown away before even being opened........That is the way my dad is letting things be........ he has made his stand, either by letting that woman he married rule the roost or,,,,,,,even worse him acting like I never exsited. How can a man,,,,,,, feed, diaper, bathe, put to sleep a precious little child and then not care about that GROWN little girl anymore?????????? We just can not comprehend this Jesika, because as mothers, we would DIE for our children,,,,,we feel too much........ but I swear I would rather be known as loving my kids too much than not enough.

    We can't change our Daddies,,,,, we can't make them love us....... we can say what is on our mind for our own peace of mind,,,,,,but we cant change them. Jes, I havent written my dad a letter yet........I am not sure I will give him the satisfaction of knowing how bad I hurt. But that is just me, that is just what I feel right now. I cry sometimes thinking of him dead and me at his funeral........but I will face that when I have too.

    Just like you have to face what you feel you have to right now.........I support you on whatever you decide to do.............love ya always.......dede ( Jes, I hope I havent said too much......please know I write this wondering if I have overstepped what I should say, but I only say what I feel in my heart right now)

  • ashitaka

    The best thing about the letter is that it is personal, and not about JW doctrine. Any father with a heart could read that and be moved.


  • blondie

    Jesika, I didn't read your letter but I know that you stated your feelings with accuracy. I wrote a letter about 20 years ago to my father. He did not understand it or want to understand it. He is still a self-confessed, unrepentant child molester. I view myself as having no father, just a sperm donor. His selfishness knows no bounds and feels that my siblings and I are responsible for his harming us. It is abusive to me to have any contact.

    Just a suggestion, don't try to hard to make contact, especially if no remorse or attempt to make amends is evident. You can only get hurt.


  • Shakita


    Very heartfelt letter. You would have to be made of stone not to want to shake your father and tell him all that he is missing in life!

    Your last four words say it all......"I am done trying", hopefully you can come to terms with this and get to that place where you have peace in your heart knowing that sometimes as much as we want it, the people we love will never change and we must move on to be truly happy.

    All my best to you and your family,

    Mrs. Shakita

  • Big Tex
    Big Tex


    I haven't been on the boards much this week, and I just saw this thread, so I'm sorry for not responding earlier.

    All I can say is "WOW"! Great letter. You kept control of yourself and told him what you're angry about. You avoided asking questions, which meant you kept the power of your statement to yourself.

    Taking microphone privledges away

    That gave me goosebumps. I was in charge of the sound system then and I had forgotten about that until I read this. I remember being told (I don't remember who in White Rock now) and thinking that's weird but I let it go without inquiring further. I never like your uncle anyway, I thought he was creepy and extremely immature.

    Should you send it? In my opinion it depends on how it would make you feel by sending it. Frankly I don't give a rat's ass what it does to your father. He's got no spine and deserves a knee to the nuts (and more) for not standing by you. But I'm more concerned by how you would feel in sending it. I say if you feel more at peace, as if you were making a statement to you dad and throwing his shit back on him, then send it. But if you're trying to get back at him or vent a little anger, then sending it really wouldn't help you. There are better and healthier ways to burn some of that old anger off.

    But whatever you decide, Nina and I are behind you 100%

    Take care,


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