Faking it to keep my family.... need your input

by kat_newmas 38 Replies latest members private

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  kat_newmas

  Short Background: I was raised a JW. Ran away at age twelve, lived on the streets as a male prostitute till age twenty. I am 33 now, married with child. havent seen my parents but one time eleven years ago.... it was not good. I ran away because I knew even then that this religion was not for me. that I couldnt live up to it.

  My Idea: I am considering faking it. You know, go through all the right channels, get a bible study in my home, start going to meetings, a little field service, slowly become a member again. I am a good actor when it comes to this, had a lot of practice as a child. I know I could make them believe I am sincere. I want my father back. He cannot have me around because I am "fallen" or whatever term they are using now. (it was twenty years ago)

  I have posted a simillar message under "prying eyes" but I thought I would start this topic and get some feed back. I love your forum by the way.

  Feel free to e-mail me at [email protected] . but post here first, so maybe others will benefit. I just want my family back after twenty years. Unless I do this, it will never happen. I still love my parents and younger sister. Any Ideas?
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  Elsewhere

  That's a tough call... shortly after I left my parents asked me if I would "fake" being a JW too. They said that all they wanted was for me to go through the motions so that they would not have to shun me.

  I refused because I knew that I could not do it. I left the organization because I could not keep up with all of the requirements and I also did not believe what they were teaching. For me, going to the meetings and FS and doing all of the other JW stuff was like listening to grinding gears in a transmission... it was totally unbearable.

  If you can fake it and endure the JW life style, then more power to you. At least you will get to enjoy the irony of it all... with the way they are always talking about things being appointed by holy spirit and Jehover keeping the congregation clean. You will be living proof that it's all total BS.
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  Swan

  I too was asked by two members of my family to fake it. I couldn't believe my ears. They were asking me to continue to live a double life for the sake of being able to associate with me. Before that, I had always thought there was no chance. I always thought that their adherence to the Society's rules would be intransigent. Now they were asking me to compromise for the sake of appearances. This went against everything they and the Society taught me. This gave me hope. Maybe they weren't as loyal to the Society as I thought. They knew the rules and the sanctions about leading a double life. If they were that desperate that they were willing to go against the Society in this matter, then I knew their faith was not as strong as they let on. They do have doubts. It gave me hope that one day they would come around and ignore the Society's rules when it suited them. It gave me the courage to go ahead and DA myself. As much as I loved them, it just was not possible for me to live that double life any longer. When they do get to the point where they want out, I will be there for them.

  Tammy
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  Buster

  Kat, you might have trouble finding peers on the growing-up-as-a-dubbie-sucked scale. Personally, I couldn't go thru life jumping thru hoops to get a piece of conditional love from family. But thats me - and I didn't have anything like your expereinces.

  But I can do this: Welcome to the board.
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  xray

  Kat, there's no need to fake anything. I had a similar upbringing, but was a little older when I left home. I am not a JW, but my mother is and we get on fine. When I was young she used to pester me a little about my lifestyle but has now given up and accepted me for who I am. In fact I think I now have a healthier lifesyle than some of the JW's I know.

  Your parents would see it as their duty to influence you back in to the fold, but as you're grown up now this would be more of a token gesture. My Mum is always dropping off mags to me and often I read them to see what crazy things they're saying now, and then bin them. It's interesting to compare the "truth" they teach now to the "truth" I was taught when I was a kid. It appears the "truth" is constantly changing and being made up as they go along. Just cos I read their mags occasionally doesn't mean I have to pretend to be a JW though. My Mum would be overjoyed if I turned up at a KH meeting, but I'm grown up now - I don't have to do everything to please her, especially if it was a lie. In fact that would be cruel on her in the long run cos I could't keep it up.

  My advice is to send your family a simple greeting card with your contact details/family photo on it and then wait for them to respond, then just relax and most important, be honest with them and yourself.

  Good luck, Xray
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  LeslieV

  Dear Kat;

  First and most important welcome to the board!!! There is alot of people here that will be supportive of whatever decision you come to. It is your life and you are the one that has to live it.

  I guess I am kinda confused..if you left your home at the age of twelve then you probably were not baptized. If that is the case I am not sure why they have nothing to do with you. Also leaving at such an early age seems that your home life was less than idealistic. Are you really sure you want to return to whatever caused you to run. Religion aside it seems like there might be more to this story than what you said. I am concerned for you!!! You need to put yourself first and your needs first. As another poster said send them a card and see what they say. You need to find out if they indeed want a relationship with you. It certainly would be hurtful for you to go back to this silly religion and only get hurt again. Just a few thoughts. I wish you much happiness whatever you decide.

  Leslie
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  Sirona

  Kat

  First of all I want to honestly say that my prayers are with you and your situation.

  I am not christian and I'm certainly not Jehovahs witness. Your post shows a desperate attempt to be accepted by your parents again and I can fully understand that. Don't we all want to be accepted by them? Its so hard to be rejected by the people who brought you into the world.

  If you feel that becoming a Jw again (even pretendingly) will help you in your life, then I would say....do it. I think that the Jw religion is wrong (as far as the control they excersize, like a cult) but I think that we all have a path to take and that sometimes the JW path is whats needed, for a while.

  You want your father back. I can also understand that. My father was not a part of my life until I was in my twenties and then he suddenly died (just when we were forming our relationship).
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  Been there

  Welcome to the board Kat.

  Were you baptised when you left? Are you sure you want to submit yourself and you little one to such torture? Do you plan on bringing your wife along? They will hamper your pretending if they think you can't force your wife to come, you being the spiritual head of the house. You won't get very far in. They have been on their witch hunts lately. I think you would have to be very convincing, their radar is up right now. I wish you luck but it may be easier to go through the eye of a needle. Try the front door to your dad first, now that you are married and a father, they may see you as grown up.
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  kat_newmas

  Thanks so much for all the advice so far. Maybe I would be jumping through hoops to get conditional love... but I am 33 now.. I want children of my own... I want my child to have the benefit of my parents wisdom, they were great parents apart from this religion. I cant just tell my son or daughter that they have no roots. I wasnt just hatched, my child has grandparents and an aunt who will barely speak with me. They are polite but distant. It is understood among them that I am no longer a family member. My dad secretly writes to me... well he did once anyway... he signed the letter..."still your dad". but that just isnt enough..

  thanx again, love the forum, hope I get to be here for a while, you all responded so quickly. I have the same post in a few places, cause I kept messing it up. but I am getting the hang of this site. Thanx.... blessed be all of you.
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  BluesBrother

  Hello , and welcome to the on line community. We really understand because most of us have family within the org. I am one of many who go along on a Sunday purely to keep my marriage together.

  If you chose to go back, assuming that you are disfellowshipped, it is necessary only to get re instated. I can think of one or two that we dealt with who stopped coming as soon as they were re instated . Obviously, they only wanted to re open a way to the families then fade away. There was nothing we could do about it.

  If you can stomach the untruths you will have to tell, and the hypocracy of standing before the elders and professing repentance and strong desire to be a witness again - so be it . You should consider also the advice to simply approach your parents on the basis that your lifestyle has changed immeasureably since you left , and see if they will open to you. Good luck.