I'm very sorry Blisterfeet. About six months after I disassociated my dad died. I was told that I could visit him in hospice one last time. My decision at the time was to be the bigger person (as I saw it) and to just be me, a loving guy that was now healthy emotionally.
I went. It was weird. It was all about them, as it always is with JWs. I pushed for my moment alone at the end and said some heartfelt and poignant things. I wanted to release my dad from worry and send things out on a good note. He offered me nothing.
Once I left I was dead to them again. I wasn't even invited to the funeral. My mom said we'd get together. That never happened. They'll lie or do whatever they need to do to get what they want. It's all about them.
Seeing my dad ultimately wasn't good. I got to end things on a better note but it was just me making it all happen. Being catapulted back in and spat back out of the family so quick was a mind fuck.
My mom can die alone (well she still has my youngest brother and my sister) . I won't be used by them any longer. I'm done unless someone comes out of that toxic environment. I owe them nothing. It was and has always been about them. One of my mom's biggest fears is that my brother and I who are shunned think they were monsters. I do. I can rationalize how they got there, excuse their behavior as victims, but in the end it would be me putting myself last again to make people feel better that would never do the same for me. So fuck 'em.
You do you. Don't be guilted into anything. Don't be something that you feel they want you to be. They wouldn't for you. Don't let them jerk you around. At the same time don't be prickly. Just be you, but make sure that you're taking care of you, not them, in the process.
Just my 2 cents from my experience a couple of years ago and my feelings after. I thought I'd regret not stepping up for them. I regret doing so now. They made their bed and alienated us, they can lie in it.