Going Nuclear - Marriage

by Sofia Lose 25 Replies latest jw experiences

  • Sofia Lose
    Sofia Lose

    Has anyone here gone nuclear on their spouse and, all of a sudden, came out in the open as a JW opposer?

    By this I mean, sitting them down and saying: I no longer want to be a JW anymore, do not want to go to meetings or preaching anymore! And, what has happened in the relationship after that?

    I am afraid of the consequences, but it is what I want to do so badly.


  • OneEyedJoe

    I didn't initiate it directly, but I had that conversation with my wife back in April. She'd known for a few months that something was up (it'd been about a year being awake) and apparently my attempting to show her an article of how the mormons use the BITE model for control was the final straw. We talked a while and for a while I played it as if it was innocent for a while but when she asked me point-blank if I'd made up my mind that I don't want to be a JW I confirmed that I had.

    It was touch-and-go there for a little while, but we've more or less recovered into a place where we can at least talk fairly openly with civility. It took probably 3 months before the random crying spells (on her part) stopped, but they tapered off after a while. I'll not say that the marriage has fully recovered, but I expect that to take some time...the year that I spent awake caused some significant problems due to her treatment of me for what little tapering off in cult activity that I did during that time.

    On the plus side, I haven't been to a meeting or recruiting since mid april and she hasn't tried to get me to go either. She knows I'm done and I'm never going back and she seems to be accepting that part of the new reality reasonably well.

    She and her parents (though not her brother, apparently) seem to be somewhat more liberal than most JWs, though. She's gotten upset about other people who have started to treat me as "bad association" (not complete shunning, but it's noticeable) because she doesn't think it's right to cut someone out just because of their privately held beliefs (but somehow she refuses to see that doing so is completely in line with what they're taught to do). So in that way she might not be completely typical.

    Unfortunately, there are no guarantees here. I've read accounts of someone "coming out" in this situation and the responses seem to have ranged from immediate separation followed by divorce to the spouse relating that they too have had doubts and the couple examining them and leaving together.

    I wish you the best of luck in whatever you decide to do, though.

  • Daniel1555

    Over a longer period of time my wife came to understand, that I don't see the bible any longer as inspired of god, that due to the shunning of df da ones I no longer saw the watchtower as the true religion and that I would accept for my son and myself a blood transfusion in a life or death situation

    At one point she said. "So then you live by your own religion." I said that I am following my conscience and my personal relationship to god."

    I never hindered her in her faith and never tried to influence her. She just got to know how I feel about these matters. She was very upset that I stopped field service (however I went with her to all meetings).

    But that was enough for her to separate. But I have to say that she was and still is a hardcore jw strongly influenced by her even more hard core pioneer mother who even shuns my jw parents because they have normal contact with me.

    Now we are divorced. She tried anything to reduce the time I can spend with my lovely son. But I never gave up and was very determined. So the result is that the judge gave me time from Friday noontime till Sunday evening all 2 weeks with him. Thats great because she has the meetings on Friday night and Sunday morning. So every second week my son is spared from all the meetings and field service. And she had to accept that when my son is with me, she can't take him to the meetings. At the beginning of our separation her mother said, that I know that they would never ever compromise and always take my son to the meetings even if it is my visitation time. That was also a reason I had to go to court for my visitation right.

    It was a hard time but I am happy to be able to live according to my conscience and trying my best to counteract on the indoctrination of my son. I won't do that by further indoctrinating him but to strengthen his critical thinking skills with a lot of love.

    I wish you all the best. Every situation is different. If you and your husband have a lot of love and respect for each other it doesn't need to head for separation and divorce.

  • Sofia Lose
    Sofia Lose

    Husband has expressed to me that he would choose Jehovah over me, in a fit of rage of course. I love him and our marriage is great in every way, except for me having to fake the faith thing for many years now. He is hardcore, so it does not look good for me. However, this faking stuff is weighing heavier as time passes by.


  • OneEyedJoe

    Husband has expressed to me that he would choose Jehovah over me, in a fit of rage of course. I love him and our marriage is great in every way, except for me having to fake the faith thing for many years now. He is hardcore, so it does not look good for me. However, this faking stuff is weighing heavier as time passes by.

    You can't always trust what's said in a fit of rage, to be sure. If your marriage is otherwise good, then you probably have good chances of being able to at least maintain a dialog about how to move forward instead of him just blowing up and leaving you. It might be worthwhile to see a therapist or counselor of some kind for a little while in order to learn how best to communicate in order to keep things civil while working towards a solution that you can both live with. A therapist can also help you work out just what it is that you actually want as well as providing support before and after you call it quits - that support will likely make a huge difference if things do go as badly as you fear.

    It sounds like you've been going through the motions for quite some time. I don't know how you do it. The year I spent at it was miserable and it was affecting every aspect of my life and it definitely did some damage to my marriage as well. Perhaps you don't have to jump in with both feet, though - maybe you can talk to him simply about taking some time off from the JW thing to work through your doubts...you might find that it's not that much easier than faking it, or you might find that it's the best thing you've ever done. That'll really inform your decision whether or not to make a stand.

  • kairos

    My wife and I are still together.

    I went nuclear.

    Admitted apostasy and DF'd in absentia.
    Yet, we are still together.

    She attends all the meetings and prepares her lessons.
    I will never set foot in a KH again.

    It's not easy, but marriage is hard work.

  • millie210

    I dont know if I could do it so please feel free to dismiss this idea but some who cannot go on with the religion find an alternate "reason" to skip without a head on confrontation with their mate..

    The reason I am referring to is some kind of elusive illness. A way to skip field service, listen to meetings on the phone line and of course cannot make assemblies because they are too exhausting.

    What do you think?


  • bradford

    I was lucky. The moment I brought up 607, 1914, questions, questions, and more questions. .she said "that sounds like apostasy, you should talk to the elders." I told her I would but I doubted anything would come of it. She said that was fine she would rather me make a decision then fake it. Nothing she hates more than a faker.

    I DA'd and she hasn't been to a meeting since January. We've had a rough time adjusting to the brand new people that we are becoming but so worth it.

  • Vidiot

    Going nuclear is, IMO, a terrific way of sending a hard-core JW spouse running from the room, screaming in abject horror.

  • stan livedeath
    stan livedeath

    i did. back in 1971. wife and i were out on the door to door misery when we had to walk over a river bridge.

    i sent my magazine zip-case skimming into the river and told her that was it for me----no more field service.

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