Feel Like Cryin'

by mackey 25 Replies latest jw friends

  • mackey

    Well, my best friend Sarah, The love of my life, has deemed me a bad association. Just when I thought I could get her out those bastards sucked her right back in. I know by starting this thread I'm beggin' for a flaming, but this is very serious and need some support and this is the only place that I can get it. I am partly to blame for her mistrust in me. I unknowingly put a lot of pressure on her to help me understand her beliefs. I gave her C of C a couple weeks ago and she gave it back, along with a ring I spent my last dime on to buy her. She never read the book and probably never will and that frustrates the hell out of me because if she had only read it, she'd be free. I would have finally had a wife and a mother to our children. I know It takes more than a book. I have a two foot high stack of quotes and false prophecies and doctrinal flip-flops on my desk. I have more than enough evidence and knowledge to prove these a-holes ain't the "truth". I am so angry right now I feel like driving my truck through the front door of the kingdom hall right in the middle of a meeting. How can you turn away from someone who loves you because of their beliefs. Apparently when you are a brainwashed zombie, It's quite easy. It's also easy to ignore their pain and concern. I'm in pain? Must be the work of SATAN. I'm concerned? I must be trying to manipulate her thinking to seduce her to the dark side. Can you feel it, can you feel the pain I'm in? Sarah sure as hell ( or the grave) can't. The woman I love is only twenty minutes away, and I can't go to her, can't hold her or tell her I love her. She just doesn't get It. I have spent hundreds of hours and hundreds of dollars to arm myself with the knowledge to free her. I even lost my job over this ( I worked with her) because this was more important. This has actually taken a physical toll on me. I can't sleep, can't eat, can't function as a normal human being. I know I sound obsessive, but I love her and always will. Anyone who has been there would understand. I cannot give up on this, she means too much to me, she's made me a better person. The woman I love is a prisoner to fear and guilt, her mind controled by a bunch of lying manipulative bastards. She is very vulnerable and It is only a matter of time before someone tries to take advantage of that. I sometimes wish I could give up, but my heart will not allow It. Unlike a witness, I trust my heart and let It guide me. It follows no rules nor has restrictions as to when It is used. Quitting is not an option, Patience is. I am 27 years old and have searched many years for someone like Sarah. I can't give up hope. though her mind is not her own, the woman I love, my best friend, my future, is in their somewhere. I know my chances are slim, but I have to keep trying. I need as much support as anyone can offer. Without It I have no chance.

    Edited by - mackey on 13 February 2003 23:34:38

  • SheilaM

    Mackey I'm sorry, you know the old adage is true" if you set something free and it comes back to you it was yours, if not it never was." So keep the faith in you love maybe she will see the real truth and come back to you. They suck the whole friggin organization.

  • musky

    Hello Mackey, I feel bad for your situation. Sarah is entitled to live her life the way she wants. She has to be willing to search for the real truth on her own terms, if she ever does at all. Just try to show her how much you care by your actions, and don't push her away with too much of trying to get her out of the watchtower. Sometimes it can take years for things to happen. I wish you the best, and I hope all goes better.

  • Golden Girl
    Golden Girl

    Well..this caught my attention becauseI have been doing a lot of that lately!...(Hubby passed away).

    I wish I could give you some words of comfort..I was married to a JW. for 45 years... I became the active JW for 15 years and had enough and left. Then he decided to go back when he retired. I felt like I lost him . His Jehovah came first before his family and me!.

    Then he got sick and his Jehovah was even more important!...That was all he could think about. The JW's never came around. He needed them so bad and they were too busy. That was the only hope he had. To be resurrected in paradise!

    We had a lot of arguments about the religion.I too tried to show him the error of their ways!.But I came to realize..it was something he needed..All his life. Who was I to try and take it away from him...The only problem I had was that they try to force their belief on us. I found myself doing all the sacrificing. No X Mas tree ..no holiday music. In other words..we can find it in our hearts to accept that they want their religion..but they can't accept what we want. Can you and ..do you.. want to live that way? Are you ready to make the sacrifice ?..What about the children?You have children with her.?..how will they be raised?..It's not easy to make decisions like that when the heart is breaking apart..It is usually their way or no way...You have to decide...sorry!

    Snoozy....Who stayed wih her JW hubby and is now glad of it!...And I miss him so..

    Edited by - Golden Girl on 14 February 2003 0:27:14

  • Satanus

    Too bad that there are children involved. They always need time w both parents. The pain lasts a long time anyway. Sometimes it's good to have a good cry, and then move on.

    If she wants to be a dub, she should be free to do that. Maybe she needs that kind of crutch. A lot of people do.

    Some people want to be a crutch. I could be wrong.

    SS wishing you strength to go through this

  • mackey

    I'm very sorry for your loss GoldenGirl. I know you will be together again someday. Though It pales in comparison to losing your husband In some ways I feel like my best friend died.And in a way part of me died. I love her that much. The WTS has destroyed so many innocent lives.

  • Ravyn

    I never used to cry for other people until I left JWs. now I seem to do alot of it. no one ever sees me cry for them, except maybe at funerals or such. Idont know if it does any good. but to let you know, I cried with you both tonight.

    dont know what else to say.


  • mackey

    I just wanted to clarify something. Sarah and I aren't married.I want to marry her and raise a family. I am trying to get her out even If I can't marry her. And thanks Ravyn. I've done a lifetimes worth of crying today.

  • Mac


    I think it possible that offering you the encouragement you seek may be doing a disservice to you. Circular thinking is hard to effectively confront, and a more reasonable mindset difficult to cultivate when the seeds of reason cannot even be planted.....this seems to be your plight.

    I am not trying to advise you not to pursue this person you love... you know her and the extent of your relationship far better than I from merely reading your post. However, you must be mindful of the fact that in her mind, you are asking her to choose between her god and you.......eternal life with a "believer" and a temporary one with an individual destined for destruction. There are many who have given up more...family and decades old relationships for the sake of "the truth". This is truly a horrid organization and I understand your frustration and angst. You alone must make the decision of whether there is any possibility of her ever opening up to logical discussion or to abandon hope for the sake of your own welfare.

    I think there is much wisdom in that old adage Sheila quoted, and I truly hope that she returns to you my friend. I am sorry for your pain.


  • pr_capone

    I had a ring returned to me once because of differance in beliefs myself. I know it hurts worse than anything in the world. Hang in there buddy. Feel free to email me if you want to chat.

    (((((((((( Mackey )))))))))


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