Facing JW-philosophy demons
The above posts are pretty warm and helpful. I just wanted to add that perhaps you are having anxiety attacks and/or you're fearful of failure. After all, you have been conditioned by the organization not to participate in higher education (God won't like you if you spend time on that rather than Him). Has your family belittled your worth most of your life? Later, the "friends" did when you began thinking for yourself and asking questions, didn't they? You've been doing splendidly in college until now, when you have a real chance at
success and good job offers, and you may be asking yourself (sub-consciously) if you DESERVE such good things?
You describe yourself as judgmental and a perfectionist, and it seems you judge yourself as harshly as you do others, holding them and you up to impossible standards. Emyrose, Almighty God HIMSELF doesn't hold us accountable for all our sins. We are able to be declared righteous by Him because of the Ransom even when we are NOT righteous. DECLARE YOURSELF and your friends "righteous enough.
Many ex-JWs needed somebody to tell us that we were special. My mother just asked me why it was that my grandparents were Masons, my grand-uncles and aunts and families moved to Utah and became Mormons, and I became one of Jehovah's Witnesses. I told her we all must have a need to be "special" in some way -- even if it was as part of a fanatical cult! Maybe you are feeling the loss of the artificial specialness given you by the WTBTS? But, Emyrose, that wonderful boyfriend you keep judging thinks you're pretty special. And you have friends, too, who are honest enough to tell you when you're "opinionated."
Please do seek professional help. And please do hang around here and let us get to know you better.
Outnfree, I think everyone needs to feel special, (which
many define as being important) not just JWs. We
all are important to someone, hopely to ourselves too.
But my problem, I think, is that I've not broken free from
the brainwashing yet. I still hear that voice telling me that I
am selfish for this and that, and that they are selfish for this
and the other. Misery has resulted from this. I know we should be more forgiving and compassionate of other. I just was not taught to
practice this in the Org. But reading about everyone else's pain and struggle has made me calm down. Although I still get panic attacks,
I feel happy these days because I realize I'm normal and not some
crazy, weak or retarded ex-cultee. You guys have really made a difference!
Your friend, Emyrose
I am really glad that you are feeling somewhat better. You are on the right road. You will have your ups and downs, but it does get better.
You know. Anything that can be learned can also be unlearned. The Society taught you one way, but you can learn a different one. Being here is a good place to start.
I wish you the best.
I am still a JW and have been posting on different boards for about 4 years. I have met many people from other beliefs. When I first came to the message boards, I had that judgement mentality as well, but I've changed. And when I did, I learned to relax with people, and found that I enjoyed them oh so much better.
As larc brought out, our human condition is imperfection and there is nothing wrong with making mistakes. And I might add that that is why we can pray to God for forgiveness if we do err, and go on. I also agree that we should accept our strengths and weaknesses. I also believe all humans were born with a talent or talents. All we need to is discover what that is.
I am glad that you are feeling much better.