What to do when your family DOESN'T shun you...

by logansrun 11 Replies latest jw friends

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  logansrun

  All right, I'm not DFd or DAd; I just "walked away." All my friends, save one, completely ignore me and basically shun me (the word on the street is I'm an apostate :) ). But my family, all hard-core JWs except my more liberal mother, is causing some unsettling feelings. I just talked to my sister last night (former Bethelite, spiritual "giant") who told me she wants to see me a few times a year. My cousin called the other day and said he'd like to see a movie with me. Joy.

  This is weird. Because of a technicality (I haven't been judicialized) my family feels like they can be friendly with me. My sister feels that I am "neutral" (her words) when it comes to the Society; I just don't believe. The truth is, of course, that I'm a full-fledged atheist and would be disfellowshipped in a heartbeat for more than a few things (sex, one marijuana cigarrette, rampant apostasy).

  I sometimes feel like I should just put in my letter to sever the "official" ties with the JWs. You see, I feel like I don't really want to be around my JW family. Yes, that's sounds cold and callous, but do I really want to socialize with people who think I've been misled by Satan? Do I really want to hear them talk at family gatherings about "the truth" and how close the end is? Do I want to listen to the veiled attempts to cause me to feel guilty or "bring me back to my senses"?

  I feel like I don't even have anything to talk about with my family (except my mom). Their entire lives are centered around this cult and everything they talk about is seen through the distorted lenses of Watchtowerism. Can I talk about my fascination with biology and science? Nope. Can I intelligently discuss politics with them? Nope. Can I talk about the friends I have among ex-JWs or non-JWs? No. Philosophy? No. Plans for the future? No. Even history is distorted in their thinking (yeah, the major power in the 18th century was England, and it's all prophesied in the Bible! Hahaha!).

  Sports. That's about the only thing I feel I can talk about with them. **Sigh**

  Anyone else feel this frustration? Should I just send in my letter and be done with it?

  Bradley
• 

  LB

  Bradley I wouldn't send in a letter just yet. Your feelings towards your family can change at any time. Sending in that letter would only make future contact very difficult. Don't DF your family. You can reduce contact on your own for now easily enough.

  It took me 3 years of not attending before I sent in my DA letter. Then the reasons for doing so were very obvious. It served my purpose to do that. I wouldn't have sent it in over simple anger because anger does go away. The repercusions of the letter will not.

  Go slow. No need for speed here.
• 

  happyout

  Very good advice, LB.

  Logansrun, just remember, it won't hurt anything to wait a while, and it could prevent your making a rash decision that you will come to regret. While I feel similar about my family's smug and superior attitude, and do sometimes get tired of their "subtle" attempts to get me back, I still have more fun with them than anyone else in the world, and don't want to do anything that would curtail the time we spend together. I walked away more than 10 years ago, and while my so called "friends" within the congregation won't have anything to do with me, my family is worth their weight in gold. Give it another 6 months or so, then if you still feel the same way, do what you think is best.

  MHO,

  Happyout
• 

  AlanF

  Good advice, LB!

  Logansrun, in general it's best not to do anything that would burn any bridges with your family. If they just consider you "weak", count your blessings. A lot of people would love to have your situation. You may be very uncomfortable being around braindead cultists, but at least they're not so braindead as to shun you, like the average JW would. So there's some hope. But if you DA yourself, or make waves or let your activities be known and get DF'd, you'll put your family in a more difficult position, and will make it nearly impossible for them to talk to you. Sometimes just a few words here and there will get a cult member to think. You never know what will do the trick. But if you're cut off from them, you'll never have the opportunity.

  Another consideration is this: Why would you want to play the JWs' game by writing a letter of disassociation? Let things ride, if possible, and it will tweak the noses of the terminally braindead ones who shun you now. They won't be able to fathom how you're able to avoid formal DA'ing or DF'ing. But if you get DA'd or DF'd, it will just confirm in their numb little minds that they were right all along.

  AlanF
• 

  truthseekers2

  Bradley, You are having the exact same feelings that my husband and I are going through right now. Either one of us could have written your post. Both of our families are 4 generations of "spiritual giants." Part of us wants to just write our letter and get it all over with...but the other part of us will miss some of the relationships we still have with family that are void of the WT propagana. Since our families are who they are though, the majority of any conversation is saturated with "theocracy." Fortunately, my side of the family has begun shunning us, but my husband's side is still clinging to the hope that we will "come to our senses." We are taking what LB says to heart and are realizing that feelings can change and there is no rush. The letter will be ultimately final and there's no need to rush into writing it right now. There's always time. I hope you come to a decision that you are comfortable with for yourself! {{{hugs!}}} (BTW, really enjoyed reading your post of introduction...welcome! I'm fairly new here myself and haven't posted my story yet. It's a doozy!)
• 

  logansrun

  Thanks for the advice. I agree that "playing the JWs" game is not what I want to do. I don't want to give the impression that my family is really liberal either. My sister said that we could express some friendly formalities on occassion, even stating that this would be "two or three times a year." My mother is the only one that I speak to almost every day. Unfortunately, I don't exactly "treasure" the time spent with the other family members. My brother in law is a notoriously conservative JW elder who plays a hard line, I mean a really hard line (he once thought that brothers should not wear colored shirts to mettings, ack!). Likelihood is, he's kow-towing to his wife'd demands and I wouldn't put it beyond him that he wants to be around me to "see where I stand" regarding the organization. Oh well, live and let live.

  I'll probably get DFd for something stupid anyway, like having an "evolving fish" decal on my car!

  Take care good people

  Bradley
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  freedom96

  What you want to say now to your family, may be vastly different later. I would not make any drastic move like DA'ing or anything. If you find it hard to be around them, just limit the time. I think most of us would agree, regardless of our spiritual background, for the most part (there are of course exceptions) we spend little time with our family. So it is not like you have to hear witness crap all the time anyways.
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  acsot

  Since you probably have made "wordly" (gasp, horrors) friends with whom you can discuss biology, politics or whatever, I'd wait on sending in any kind of letter and just keep the relationship with my family as you have it now - it seems to me that you really don't need them for stimulating conversation, since if you've already advanced this far in your thinking about different matters then maybe you've been to college or discussed these things with people at work, etc. The relationship with your mother is important, and as said by others, you never know when you may be able to crack open their automatic JW-defenses.

  Isn't there a saying the "the best revenge is to live well" (or something to that effect !) - well, if you're really cheerful and upbeat around your family they may just begin to realize that JWs really aren't the happy, happy, happy people they're under orders to be - that maybe there is actually something missing from their small sterile lives by seeing how "together" you are.

  My two cents, for what it's worth.
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  Valis

  Yo Brad...(Bradley always reminds me of Sublime)I have a "stand off" relationship with my family and I too am a walk away...I might not have anything to do w/my family at all if it were not for my kids...I don't go to their gatherings or family events, because they know I will call them to the carpet if they start in w/the religious/guilt trip BS with me. Its more like an ambivalence towards them than anything I guess. It sounds like they want you around though. Perhaps you could approach them and tell them you won't be attending when next they ask you to come over. Simply tell them you don't feel comfortable around them as all they want to do is talk about their religion and attempt to make you feel guilty about not believing. Make sure they understand you won't be coming if this is the way its going to be. That way you get it off your chest and they get the message. Have a good one..

  Sincerely,

  District Overbeer
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  joannadandy

  I have to agree with everyone here. You're new so you haven't seen the drama between me and my parents. There have been more than a few times I wanted NOTHING TO DO WITH THEM, EVER AGAIN...I often thought they think I am the spawn of satan and don't value what I have to say, but I was very wrong. After a huge blow up with my parents I got two very warm and heartfelt letters that explained the exact opposite, that they love me no matter what and that they appreciate the fact that I am able to think for myself. I was pretty shocked. Your parents could feel the same way. First and foremost they are your parents and they seem very unwilling to sever your relationship. If they really thought you were a badnews apostate their "bible trained consciences" wouldn't allow them to associate with you.

  But I think you should count yourself lucky. Most people are dying to have a realtionship with their families and cannot. Don't send in a DA letter. If it comes up later that they do infact think you are "evil" then maybe you can end a relationship with them, but I wouldn't do it unless you are called to them mat on it.

  Just my feelings.