From foreign "fields".
Though the results are still unofficial, preliminary reports suggest The Watchtower has won the National Soul Winning Contest and its main sanctuary will soon be furnished with a brand new gold-plated organ with computer-generated acoustics. Hail Jehovah!
As God-fearing Jehovah’s Witnesses members know, our church is a member of the Holy Alliance of Tenacious Righteous Evangelical Denominations, an elite group of conservative fundamentalist Sect churches. In an effort to reach out to infidels and draw more people to The Watchtower, through Jehovah through Jesus, last year, the alliance
organized a National Soulwinning Contest among all member churches of CESNUR. With first prize being the most heavenly of organs, The Watchtower was eager to prove
its superiority in witnessing.
"With that beautiful instrument, we could sing to Jehovah in style," Elder Smith noted during last Sunday's Watchtower study. "Why, those other churches will be lucky if Jehovah even listens to their choirs any more when he has the chance to spend all day
Sunday listening to the far more beautiful music we will create. Besides this, we can sell the shit, and sent the money to the Organization. What a fine way to spend these last few months before Armageddon"
The Watchtower determined that the most productive approach to winning the most souls would be to focus on young children. "By the time un-baptized people become teenagers and adults, their Satanic ways are fairly entrenched," noted CO Livingstone. "Young children are far more susceptible to our witnessing techniques. We knew that a fire and brimstone sermon would have those children clamoring down the aisles, begging for salvation and a Jehovah’s Witnesses membership."
The Watchtower's soulwinning campaign began last summer with the hosting of ice cream socials, bubble gum parties and snow cone celebrations. These were not official, of course, but where held in connection to the different conventions. The Watchtower sent fliers in May throughout Russia advertising day-long excursions to the church for all interested children. Watchtower buses would pick up children beginning at 7:00 a.m. and return them by 6:00 p.m. "This gave bourgeois mothers the chance to spend weekdays cleaning their homes without worrying about supervision of their children," noted Brother Harry Hardwick. "Those unclean, un-baptized and inactive parents were more than happy to get those children out of their hair."
The schedule for the children was rigorous. Each day, hundreds of new lost tots were dropped off at the Moscow Main Kingdom Hall for orientation. They were told there would be no snacks unless and until they attended morning, mid-morning and early afternoon indoctrination services. Beginning at 9:00 a.m., CO Livingstone delivered his fiery "Gehenna Is for Children" sermon in which he told those un-Christian wretches, in his most booming voice, that any day, their very lives could be snatched from them. They could be murdered, run over by a bus or possessed by a demon. If that occurred, those
who were unbaptized would go straight to Gehenna where they would spend forever roasting in fire, with the devil stabbing their heinies over and over with a pitchfork.
"Those children caught on instantly," reported the CO. "Some of them looked shocked, most of them cried, and all of them knew a change was needed in their lives."
After the sermon, the children met individually with members of the Ladies of The Watchtower. "We explained to those kids that they were going to Gehenna if they didn't accept The Watchtowers teachings and join our church," recalled the pioneer Taffy Crockett. "I remember a few of the kids being skeptical, saying they wanted to talk to their parents. We explained that their parents weren't real Christians and were destined for Gehenna. The only way these kids could see the TRUTH was to forsake their parents' faith and join our group of real Christians."
After the one-on-one discussions, the children were told it was time to be baptized. Everyone know the Society need continuing GROWTH to prove Jehovah’s blessing, and who cares what happens in Russia anyway. They were taken back into the bathroom and told to bow their heads and repeat after CO Livingstone, "Yes, we do." “Nobody had the time to explain anything more, and we needed the growth”, sister Moskovskaia recalls.
"You should have seen the look on those children's faces when they realized that was all
it took to begin their walk toward Theocracy," exclaimed sister Judy O'Christian. "I could see the face of Rutherford in all of them."
The children were next told to switch into the swim suits they were instructed to bring and were taken to a lake near by. Several Jehovah’s Witnesses were already waiting in the water. The children were told they could frolic in the lake only after they had been baptized in the name of the Watchtower. A few choked on the water, but all were dunked.
To show our church was pleased that these children were finally destined for the Paradise (if they lived right), the Ladies of the Watchtower then presented the snacks. The children were lined up next to tables at which the Ladies sat with publishing cards. The children were told they could pick up their snacks at a neighboring table as soon as they signed in with 10 hours on the card. When all children had signed up, the children were allowed
Then the real work began. The Ladies intervened in the play to tend to those children in most need of help. Those boys who played with girls, looked at flowers, roamed off by themselves or complimented the Ladies on their attire, and those girls who played ball or some other boys' sport, were immediately whisked away to Watchtower Elementary where they took part in CO Livingstone’s CASH for Toddlers Ministry to eliminate the beginnings of clear homosexuality. Those children who were the most unruly were taken to Dr. Jonathan Edwards to determine if the demons could be exorcized from their
bodies. "I tried simple therapies like scolding and paddling. But some of those children were so filled with Satan that electroshock became necessary. By the end of the day, though, almost all those children learned to behave."
The children were returned to their families in time for dinner. As to be expected, not all of the parents were satisfied. A criminal complaint was filed by a group of parents of especially delinquent youngsters for whom Dr. Edwards had recommended a frontal lobotomy to remove that section of their brains where demons most likely resided. The parents complained that the Watchtower's actions had violated their rights. "How typical of non JW liberals," observed Hardwick. "Always screaming about their freedom. If we hadn't intervened, those children would spend the hereafter in Gehenna. If overlooking some parents' wishes is necessary to allow children a shot at an eternity with Watchtower elders and Jehovah, I say it was well worth the cost."
"In the end, the Watchtower won several thousand little souls for the Society and Jehovah through Jesus," concluded CO Livingstone. "We earned the priceless gift of saving souls
and the equally priceless gift of an organ that will be the envy of all churches. Being a Christian doesn't get much better than this," he said, mumbling about finding a buyer for the organ.