boyfriend ex jehovah witness please help

by whatisthis12 20 Replies latest social relationships

  • Wasanelder Once
    Wasanelder Once

    Sorry, but all you have invested in this relationship for the last year is about to go poof! He has a recurring cancer of a religion which is growing in his mind and about to kill any loyalty to you. You do not want any part of this cult. Any kids you have together would be subject to a life of exclusion and loneliness. If he returns to the cult he would likely dump you. Just end it. This has played out a thousand times. Learn from others and spare yourself further hurt.

  • Sliced

    Hi "WhatisThis"

    All the comments above are in harmony with the way you've described your recent situation. It's really important for you to understand that Jehovah's Witnesses are trained to believe that ANYONE who is NOT a JW is under the full influence of Satan and his wicked world. While your boyfriend was DF'd he no doubt felt severe low self esteem and worthless... he also figured "why not live in the world" for a while until I decide to go back. If you met and moved in together during this phase--- your relationship may surely be doomed. The key element to remember is as others have stated-- he misses his family and old friends (thats been his whole life) and if for some reason they are suddenly showing him attention-- he will run to that them over all else, even YOU. You may be the best person in the world (no pun intended) and have his best interest at heart, but you are no match for cult indoctrination. If he will not wake up, then YOU NEED TO MOVE ON. I know that sounds so incredibly cruel, but this site is full of mostly ex JW's who have suffered terribly under the cult and its heartless shunning policies, crazy doctrines etc. We are all going to tell you how it really is, and it is NOT PRETTY. Its not a good thing to be in a relationship with someone who is struggling to go back in, they will expect you to go back with them and you risk your own sanity and that of any future children etc. So sorry you are in this situation and so sorry we can't offer alternative advise, but it sounds like you have some serious thinking to do... wishing you all the best...

  • jwgirl

    It was the elders of his congregation that stopped by, most likely the ones who disfellowshipped him. Apparently he has expressed that he wants to return without you knowing, but it's only because of his family.

    If he's "trying to come back" to JW's, then he will either ask you to marry him (and it would have to be relatively quick) or break up with you. They will give him an ultimatum.

    SIDENOTE: You don't have to become a witness for him to marry you and you don't have to attend any meeting with him. That's only if you want to.

  • nugget

    Sorry to hear your news. This sucks and there is very little you can do to stop this rollercoaster once it starts. The religion is very controlling and your relationship is likely to be a casualty. In JW world all relationships are conditional and disposable. To be able to have a relationship with his family he needs to comply with JW standards. That means attending meetings and showing repentance. Part of that means rejecting behaviour that goes against JW beliefs. The key here is that sex outside marriage is forbidden and dating a non JW is seen as disloyalty to the organisation.

    He hasn't tried to make you a part of his journey back into the faith rather he has distanced you from what is going on. He has asked you to leave even though you have contributed to the rent. It may be worth giving yourself some space to think about what you want. You deserve someone who loves you unconditionally and who shares their plans with you. You can only say if you are done with this relationship but I fear the decision has already been taken out of your hands.

  • joe134cd

    Like I said in your previous thread this guy I feel is very much POMI (Physically out, mentally in). I have a feeling that this guy is going to return to the fold. If that happens you either (1)accept Jehovah.

    (2)marry him

    (3) do both

    The 3rd option is most preferable. If you are not prepared to do this then the relationship is over. I can guarantee you that. If you do marry him the problems you have now will be a drop in the bucket for what you will be in store for. I'm sorry life is tough but it' how it is.

  • carla

    "If you do marry him the problems you have now will be a drop in the bucket for what you will be in store for."- Seems harsh but it is the truth.

    Listen to what Nugget said here, "You deserve someone who loves you unconditionally and who shares their plans with you. "- that will never be the case if you marry this fellow and he goes back to the jw's and you are not one.

    If you think you can go the kh and be lackadaisical about being a member that is not really possible either. You are either in or out. Kind of like the mob, blood in blood out. No in between. You either are a member in good standing (all meetings, fs, etc...) or you are 'spiritually weak' and will be treated as a leper by the congregation. Home life with a diehard jw and non member or spiritually weak jw is difficult.

  • steve2

    Welcome to your very own "time of the end" of your relationship.

    Many a loving woman has tried to make sense of her partner's religious infections and become heart-broken in the process.

    From the JW perspective, you, my dear, are a barrier to his surviving Armageddon into the new world, whereas a few months ago you were his world. You could convert to his religion or you could take yourself in hand and end the relationship right now. I suspect, though, that love will situate you in a passive la-la land of leaving decisions in his hands wherein crying yourself to sleep becomes the norm.

  • Diogenesister

    please check out to find out more about the religion. This will give you some understanding as to the position you are in.

    it sounds like he is an unbaptised believer with " in" family he feels he does not want to let down. He does not want his grandmother to know he is living in sin. Or even that he is having a relationship with a non JW. They will *literally* think Satan has got to him, through you, if they find out.

    there are essentially 3 options:

    1) His guilt pangs increase and he goes back to being a good JW and leaves you.

    2) You pretend to convert ( which will take months of study before baptism during which you will not be able to live together). You marry him and raise your children in a cult, and have to shun them if they leave it.

    3)Things continue as they have been, and by using gentle questioning techniques such as " I was telling my friend about Armageddon and she asked if a loving God would kill at least 3 billion innocent children and babies"( this is called Socratic questioning and is a very effective teaching method). He wakes up and you two can start really living and planning as equal, honest partners in your relationship. Happy days!

  • JustMe2
    You marry him and raise your children in a cult, and have to shun them if they leave it.

    Or your children would have to shun YOU if you left the Witnesses.

  • GLTirebiter

    You marry him and ...

    learn that "the New System is so close!" mind set and dedication to "Field Service" affect every family decision: choice of employment, where you live, financial decisions (little concern for long term planning), what you do on weekends and vacation, whether and when to have children: the Watchtower teachings will touch every aspect of your lives together whether or not you join ... and you will be pressured to join. Consider carefully whether this is the life you want.

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