Where do I stand?

by Bubba99 15 Replies latest jw friends

  • Bubba99

    This is my first post on this site... I will post more details of my story later.

    My spouse has obtained an unscriptural divorce. Does anyone know where that leaves me as to my being free to remarry?

    I noticed the following in the ELDERS manual, the wording seems to contradict itself. Does anyone who is or has in the past been an elder know where the congregation would stand on this?

    "A person who commits adultery after having been
    divorced by his or her mate on unscriptural grounds would
    be Scripturally free to remarry, since he or she had already
    been rejected by the mate that obtained the divorce.

    The case of adultery would be dealt with by a judicial
    committee. "

    Any advice or comments would are welcomed.

    Regards, Bubba

  • Yerusalyim


    My first advice would be find another church, baring that, according to the Elder's manual, you are free to remarry since your spouse has rejected you and gotten an unscriptural divorce. Don't do the adultery thing though. Looking forward to hearing more of your story. Today was my first post too. WELCOME, and Happy Resurrection Sunday (aka Easter) with all it's inherent JOY.


  • Carmel


    You're as free as you chose to be! If you wish advice on how free you are re:Jdumb rules and regs, you just ain't free at all! Like Yru told you, time to bail and sail!


  • RedhorseWoman

    Typical JW doublespeak. Don't worry about it.

  • unanswered

    my first marriage was the same situation. i didn't give up on the marriage until she left. i remember a witness telling me it was unfair, because now i wouldn't be able to find anyone else. i think that is a load!! she left me, and that was her decision, i no longer felt somehow obligated to live a life of celibacy because of a choice someone else made for me. last year i married the most wonderful person i have ever met-guilt free. i needed time to get over my first marriage, but not to decide if i had the right to be happy. this is just my opinion, bubba, i'm sorry for any pain you are going through in this. welcome to the board, i wanted to respond because i know what this situation can be like. feel free to email me, if you want. -nate

  • digderidoo

    Hi bubba, welcome to the board.

    When i first seperated from my wife (about 4 years ago), i had a visit by two elders....who i also viewed as friends. They told me in no uncertain terms, that i could not remarry... i could not meet anyone new (to put u in the picture, i had been inactive at the time for around 2-3 yrs at the time).

    I sat there and took it all in. After they went, i bagan to get angry...how could they tell me what to do with the rest of my life?

    However, i abided by this for the next two years. Even though i met someone new in the mean time, the relationship went nowhere, because i felt guilty about pursuing it... how i now regret that decision.

    A point came when i realised i had to move on with my life...the last two years have been the happiest.

    I am still single...but i no longer live within the constraints of the societies rules.

    I get the impression from your question, that u may still be an active witness?...

    If u are then it would seem by following that belief system u cannot remarry, until your spouse finds someone new....

    However, if you are in a similar position to the majority of us and either disfellowshipped or inactive...then i say to you do not live within those constraints!

    Yours dig

    Try to add life to your days, not days to your life.

  • RR

    Bubba, forget the Society, stick with the scriptures, you still believe in them. The divorce was unscriptural, in the eyes of God, ytou are still married, however, if your spouse has remarried, or if you know she is sexually active, then she has committed the adultery, and you are free to remarry!

    Less Religion and more Jesus!

  • Bubba99

    Thanks for all of your comments..

    I am still active, but have my doubts as many here do. The big problem for me with jumping ship is all of my family is in the org.

    However I do not see myself remaining single for the rest of my life. This was my spouses action not mine. It does not seem right for one to be tied forever to be single because of the rejection of another.

    What I don't understand is the quote from the Elders manual. The way I am reading it, it says that I am free to remarry, however I have never heard of this case before my own.

    I know when the time comes I will do what my heart tells me to do even if I get DF over it. I am still young and don't see myself remaining single for the rest of my life because my x-wife is a man hater.


  • paulvarjak

    I was an elder up until about a year ago when I disassociated. There has been supplemental information provided recently in the school the elder attended. If she is disfellowshipped and she has admitted to infidelity then that is all that is required. If she has remarried, then infidelity is assumed. If she is still under the governing of the congregation (not disfellowshipped), then the elders will have to investigate and question her. Hope that helps.

    In the matter of leaving, trust me, it is better to fade away into inactivity. I left believing that I had to 'stand up for what I believed in'. It cost me my family and marriage. It would have been better, although not as noble, to fade away until the elders quit trying to 'help' me. At least I would not be shunned by my entire family.

  • Esmeralda

    Hi Bubba,

    My sympathies on your situation.

    When I divorced my ex-husband, I then (after the legal divorce) began a physical relationship
    with someone else (because I do consider the legal divorce valid even if the Society doesn't. I
    am NOT an 'adulterer' as they have branded me)

    I told my ex that I had another relationship, but the elders weren't satisfied with that. Even though
    I'd been inactive for some time, they insisted I write a 'confession' letter so he could remarry.

    I wrote what was basically a da letter and told them that he could do what he wanted. This was
    demanded by the elders even after I told my ex, and one elder the situation. So much for "Two
    witnesses" being sufficient.

    The only reason I did it was because I was afraid of his capacity for violence. He made it clear
    that he wanted another wife and "expected his freedom with his reputation intact."

    I found out soon why he was in such a hurry. He already had a girlfriend and announced his
    engagement soon after. He was remarried before I was.

    He was obviously really devestated by the divorce...not!

    I wish you luck. I know what its like to feel like the Borg are holding your family hostage. But you
    have to get on with your life. I hope that you will find love and happiness and peace, however
    you proceed.


    The Four Agreements:
    Be Impeccable With Your Word
    Don't Take Anything Personally
    Don't Make Assumptions
    Always Do Your Best

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