Til death do us part - divorce

by Lady Lee 36 Replies latest watchtower beliefs

• 

  Abandoned

  Yes Lady Lee, I agree with you. The abuser is going to try to push all the blame onto someone else. The solution isn't going to come from that source. The solution has to come from some outside agency reaching the person and convincing them they don't have to take it anymore. That's what I meant by empowerment.

  In my situation, I knew that I didn't have to put up with what I did, but I was worried about dealing with all the crap I'd have to deal with once I left. It did turn out bad, but then it started getting better. It's hard to believe it will ever get better when you're stuck in something bad that you've developed a coping system for. It's easier to just stick with what's going on then face all the new experiences and challenges. The number one being whether anyone is even going to believe you.

  Another thing I've noticed when in an abusive situation is that you start to wonder if maybe things aren't that bad. You start to wonder if it's all in your head and that maybe it isn't your mate who has a problem but it's your mind. Master manipulators are great at exploiting this. So you can start to feel that you are lucky to have this person who is willing to put up with you in your messed up state.
• 

  Lady Lee

  Abandoned

  I think a lot of women (or men) are terrified of the unknown. They may have been putting up with the crap for years. They have developed some skills to deal with it. The abuser will capilaize on that fear:

  • no one will believe you (a sure one for me since he was a well0liked elder)
  • no one will ever want you (a huge one for me since I already felt like "damaged goods" due to the childhood abuse)
  • you will never be able to take care of yourself (I was forced to quit high school early so didn't even have a diploma so getting a job that paid enough to support me was a real question)
  • you will be in the wrong so you will be DFed (my choice bioled down to leave or die)

  You are right about the questioning. I think that is one way to avoid the very scary idea that you have to go out into the world alone

  The problem for me was that he never hit me. I knew what physical abuse was. I lived it as a child. As long as he never hit me I thought what he did wasn't abuse.

  We need to educate people about what:

  • What is emotional abuse? We need to be very specific
  • yelling, screaming, threatening behavior
  • put-downs, (you're ugly, fat, lazy, stupid, useless)

  and many many more. We need to get this information where people will see or hear it, Newspapers, TV radio the internet (has a wealth of information), books.
• 

  Abandoned

  The problem for me was that he never hit me. I knew what physical abuse was. I lived it as a child. As long as he never hit me I thought what he did wasn't abuse.

  We need to educate people about what:

  • What is emotional abuse? We need to be very specific
    • yelling, screaming, threatening behavior
    • put-downs, (you're ugly, fat, lazy, stupid, useless)

  Yes, and the emotional abuse doesn't have to come in verbal form either. A look, a sigh, the shake of a head: all these can put the person in "their place."

  When it is verbal, it doesn't have to be loud or abusive. It can be a gentle reminder that you just aren't good enough to have that dream. Or the suggestion that you need a "special phrase" to keep you in line.

  Trust isn't about keeping people in line. That's fear and insecurity. The sighs, head shakes, and "gentle" reminders are simply a way for the other person to deal with their own insecurities.
• 

  Lady Lee

  Yes, and the emotional abuse doesn't have to come in verbal form either. A look, a sigh, the shake of a head: all these can put the person in "their place."

  When it is verbal, it doesn't have to be loud or abusive. It can be a gentle reminder that you just aren't good enough to have that dream. Or the suggestion that you need a "special phrase" to keep you in line.

  Trust isn't about keeping people in line. That's fear and insecurity. The sighs, head shakes, and "gentle" reminders are simply a way for the other person to deal with their own insecurities.

  Yup and then some

  "The look" and depending on what he wanted "the look" meant different things

  • sex
  • disapproval
  • NOW!
  • you're so stupid

  and so many more.
• 

  anewme

  Lady Lee, thankyou for resurrecting this topic! I see that my divorce from my husband and from the Watchtower Society were one and the same---- FOR NEGLECT AND LACK OF LOVE.
  
  I have had a very hard time forgiving myself for the disgraceful way I went about things.
  But I escaped them both and that was the prime objective.
  
  I am now in peace without religion and have found a very LOVING husband.
  
  I should forgive myself and understand clearly what happened.
  
  I did initiate the divorce and disfellowshipping BECAUSE I WANTED OUT!
  
  Why do I keep punishing myself for leaving and saving my own life????
  
  Thankyou Lady Lee. I think I will begin to read your Best of files more often!
  
  
  Anewme
• 

  Lady Lee

  anewme

  I had a hard time forgiving myself for a long time.

  I went against everythingIbelieve in to get away from my husband.

  The only thing I can say is that at that time I believed I had only two choices. If so much guilt and responsibility had not been piled on my shoulders throughout my life I might have been able to walk away and realize that whatever action he took was on him, not on me.

  Now I know I have other choices. But when you are a wounded, trapped animal you can't see all the other options.

  Be kind to yourself. You deserve it
• 

  bsmart

  I have a sister who was raped by a 'witness' she was a teenager...

  this religion has so much to answer for.