Til death do us part - divorce

by Lady Lee 35 Replies latest watchtower beliefs

  • MrMoe
    MrMoe
    It seems there is something called traumatic bonding that keeps many women bound to an abuser or to the same kind of man. Complicating this is that some women think that some of this behavior actually means he cares. - cares enough to yell and hit.

    It isn't so much love as it is a primal instinct to submit to dominance. The alpha male beating his mate insto submission.

    Lady, I feel for you, but you came out on top, and so I also admire you. It takes a very strong woman to be able to learn to love herself when she has been denied that right by the very one she chose to spend the rest of her life with.

  • Lady Lee
    Lady Lee

    MrMoe

    I have heard that theory and can understand it to a point. But I think that if it really were the case of primal instinct then we wouldn't feel so out-raged by it. Deep inside if we listen we can hear a voice that is screaming that this isn't right, or fair, or loving. I think the need/instinct to be love is far stronger than any instinct to be in submission and therefore beaten.

    Thanks for coming back and posting some of your thoughts

    Lee

  • MrMoe
    MrMoe

    Lady -- Well, I lived it also, so for me it isn't a theory. Each person is different, and has thier own reasons for staying in an abusive relationship. The instinct for love may perhaps be great, but abuse causes a mentally unhealthy state, and so lots of things normal or typical can and are easily tossed out a window. No stable person looks for or wants abuse. Take a relatively stable person and toss in a comment here and a shove there until it grows like a disease. It happens over time until you become swallowed by it.

    There are many types of personalities out there, perhaps I was just speaking for myself.

    Hugs,

    Amanda

  • Lady Lee
    Lady Lee

    Yes Amanda I totally agree that the nature of some abuse is insidious. it starts small - little things and you pass them off. It's not too bad. Denial kicks in "I can handle it" , "If I just do... things will be OK" "It;s not that bad. At least he/she didn't ..."

    Before you know it abuse is in your face screaming and wanting to kill you. And some stay - "Til death..."

    (((Amanda))) You're not so different than the rest of us. We all bleed and hurt the same

  • PurpleV
    PurpleV

    This is one of the best posts I have ever read.

    Thank you.

  • Lady Lee
    Lady Lee

    bttt

  • Lady Lee
    Lady Lee

    Time for another bttt

  • Abandoned
    Abandoned

    It's too bad that people feel guilty when they are the innocent party, but that happens. I don't know what to do about it and I can only speak from my own situation, but finding someone who can understand and talk straight is vital. It's like being stuck in that cult. If all of your connections are with other cultists, you'll never realize how messed up you are. So, in my opinion, empowering the abused to realize they are abused and DON'T DESERVE it is the most important.

  • Big Tex
    Big Tex

    Wow lots of people I don't see anymore on this thread.

    Sometimes I can't believe it's been 5 years since I first started here.

  • Lady Lee
    Lady Lee

    Abandoned

    I think the reason they feel guilty is because they are told it is their own fault.

    As a child my father told me I was responsible for his need for sex. He and my mother also held me responsible for what my younger brothers and sister did.

    When I got married I was blamed for my husband's need for sex and was told it was my responsiblity to "take care of it"

    Victims are blamed for the physical violence heaped upon them. They "deserved" it because they didn't do something the way the abuser wanted it done. My mother told me a story of a time my father was doing something on the ladder outside the house. My mother told him he was doing it wrong. She went inside and he continued to do it his way. When he finally figured out that my mother was right he came inside and almost choked her to death. Again it was her fault because she shouldn't have said anything.

    We can also move this tactic to the WTS. They blame the JWs for believing the end was coming. Of course they never said such a thing.

    Abusers are notorious for refusing to accept responsibility for anything. It is always someone else's fault.

    No wonder the victims feel guilty. It is continually pounded into their heads and onto their bodies

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