Having One Of Those "Pondering Disassociation" Days :(

by freemindfade 31 Replies latest jw experiences

  • freemindfade

    There are a lot of things that make me have days like this, the utter embarrassment of being are part of a cult that protects child abusers, that enforces emotional brutality through shunning, and that lies constantly.

    The lying I can tolerate, the world is built on bullshit, I have a high lie tolerance. I can ignore it if it has no effect on me etc. The other stuff really makes me sick. My entire family treats me as a DF'd person, and that is usually what gets me going down this path, I just want to cut and move on. But then I have this discussion with myself usually on my commute in:

    Why I don't

    1. I don't want to play by their rules. I know others who have walked away and moved on with there life and its awesome. For me though being married to and supporting a pioneer, I feel I am still in too much.
    2. I have some dear friends I'll lose. I have some wonderful friends in different areas who's company I enjoy, and they are not assholes. I really hate to alienate them, but mostly what bothers me is I will be alienating them from my wife, rather the cult will, and I am no an asshole so that bothers me.
    3. Opportunity to help anyone I know who starts to wake up. This hasn't happened for me yet. But I am an optimistic dreamer type, and I think about the day a cousin, or someone contacts me and starts talking about it.

    So its only three, but they are huge. The reason I want to.

    1. I am embarrassed to be a part of this cult even on paper
    2. I want to fall on the sword for my family, give them an emotional middle finger
    3. I would like others who know me to be shocked so if they are waking even a little maybe they will wonder
    4. I hate being censored, even though its less and less, I want to do and say what I want freely and openly.
    5. I want to just move on, but with pioneer wife that aint gonna happen, I am going to be still stuck in it in a way.

    Anyway just a rant. I want the finality, especially after the shit that ass clown jackson said

    If I had said what he said about the GB, I would be DF'd and that is crap!

    My wife has already said she would support what ever I do, but she is naive, we are going to both be utterly miserable because I am the one that maintains our social life, already with the things they way they are going its affecting her way more than me.

  • brandnew

    Freemindfade......dude.....your wife is a pioneer.....wow bro , how do you do it? Man does she always bug you to go with her? If she asks for your company on fs, and you refuse...how does it make you feel?

    Just asking....cuz on saturdays when i drop my dad off at the kh for fs, he always tells me "wish you could be by my side"....😢

    Even though its a brainwashed good ol man, who has never let me down.....i feel sad, and mad. Its not in my being...to be fake, not me....i despise that shit. But i would never say or do anything to break pops, let them do what they do.

    Live and let live my man, stay up.

  • OnTheWayOut
    I would say there is no easy answer. Something I did was have an unbaptism ceremony. Mine was private but included ritual and the burning of Watchtower materials. Fire being opposite from water. Yours could be completely different, but consider it. It will address only really your reason #1 for wanting to DA. If it isn't enough, then you are no worse off.
  • freemindfade

    yea she is a pioneer, and no she leaves me alone.

    I feel worse for my friends in the hall (new hall new state since december, came in as inactive, but still got in with the cool crowd via my charisma ) For them its seems very confusing, because they love to come over and do stuff, but with some i can sense they feel strange that I am inactive, I don't go out, i miss meetings, etc.

  • OneEyedJoe

    As for the #3 reason not to do it - I suspect that it would be a wash. There might be a few on the verge of waking up that wouldn't feel they could talk to you after you DA, but there would probably be a few that feel they can talk to you, precisely because you had DA'd and no one would find out that they'd expressed their doubts to you. For someone who's doubting, it's a risk to talk to anyone who's still in on paper, even if they're inactive. I guess it might not be fully the case since you seem to have been somewhat vocal about your issues with the cult, but even so when people start to wake up they're really paranoid a lot of the time.

    Also, for your #1 reason to DA - that one doesn't bother me because you're only a JW on their paper. I don't care if they think I'm a JW on paper, with their track record if they put it on paper it can be taken as convincing evidence that it's not true. As long as no one tries to list me as a JW at a hospital or something like that, I don't care.

  • Introvert 2
    Introvert 2

    I'm going through this daily brother and wonder if I should go out with a BANG or a whimper. The very reason I want out is the hypocrisy so why beat around the bush eh ? I'm single and it wouldn't affect me that much, have no family JW connections what so ever but a buddy of mine reminds me that fading lets me talk to those still in. But then again it's not my goal to hurt or pull people out unless they come to me for support. Decisions.

    Hope it works out for you one day at a time. Start fast walking then slow jog if you can, every other day to being with, really helped me burn off the stress, I'm the emotional type.

  • freemindfade
    If I was single I would fade, id never DA, but the way things are with me im held in constant limbo
  • nmthinker

    Thanks for sharing your story with us. I'm in a very similar situation.

    My wife is a regular pioneer and returned from pioneer school about a month ago. Upon completing the school she has become even more entrenched and transformed into a super-devout witness. She started asking my how I feel about loyalty to the governing body and the organization as a whole.

    Funny thing is, my wife has always been the "spiritual" go-getter although she has always been quite shaky on the doctrine. When we talk about doctrine she is amazed at how much I know and how well I can explain things (in a very factual way). Ironically enough, throughout my childhood and pre-awakening adult life I was perpetually confused about the doctrine, I could never truly understand the core of what we believe. The reason, as we all know, is because the R&F are intentionally kept in this state because the organization doesn't want people waking up to the insanity of, for example, two-tier salvation and Jesus not being the mediator for the vast majority of witnesses.

    Anyways before I go further on a tangent things have been great between us until she came back from pioneer school. Now she feels GUILTY that I'm not taking the lead and she probably thinks I'm spiritually weak and will be destroyed at the big A.

    I've told her how I honestly feel about DF'ing and while she listens and lets it sit for a while, after a few days she tries to re-emphasize that I'm doing something terribly wrong by not obeying the faithful slave. Mind you she never did this until after returning from pioneer school. She is basically taken on the pattern of guilt-tripping me the same way the org does to all its members. It feels very uncomfortable, because this is my wife who I love dearly and I know truly loves me.

    I feel like the wheels are coming off because on the one hand I'm further emotionally and mentally detaching from this religion, meanwhile my wife is trying to be the best witness she's ever been. I'm worried she will feel guilty enough about my non-zeal to tell the elders or word will get out if my wife tells someone.

    She can sense the distance between us is growing, at times even begging me to never leave her. In the past she has said that its scripturally OK to separate from apostates (although not divorce). If I reveal how I really feel and DA, it would do a lot to relieve the pressure from me, but it could be devastating and damaging to my dear wife. I keep telling myself "love does not look for it's own interest" that it bears and believes all things. So far I'm coping but I feel like this conflict is killing me from within.

  • dubstepped

    It's very tough because you aren't given many options. My wife and I chose to DA together. If we didn't feel the same I can only imagine how much I'd be torn. For us it came down to a few things:

    1. Our families shunned us already for reaching out to my DFed brother. One called us apostates simply for that one act after nearly a decade of shunning him.

    2. If a blood transfusion were needed we'd both take one and be instantly DA'ed anyway. So it was inevitable in such an instance and the last thing we'd want in a medical emergency is those people meddling.

    3. Ultimately we have to be authentic. We have to let others do the same. We can't let our lives be held back by the threats of others. They do have power and honestly by DA'ing we took it away from them. No longer do they have any say. Yes, they have our family. Yes, we are shunned. However, if they're in a toxic cult what possible positive interactions would we have anyway. Now they can't talk to us, and that's a positive. We don't want their condescending speech and guilt trips anyway. They can get healthy and we'll be here for them, unlike their attitude toward us. We behave in love, not control, and we didn't want to be controlled anymore.

    4. We saw how the organization is truly deceptive and manipulates people. I tried so hard to see it as caring that went to far. Sorry, but once I saw instance after instance in a pattern, it showed as intentional manipulation to me. I can't be somebody's puppet. Jehovah gave me free will. Freedom can't exist in a cult, and it doesn't in the JW religion.

    There were many other reasons, but those are the biggies. Hopefully soon we get official closure and it is announced, maybe even tonight.

  • freemindfade
    Wow, if you need some offline advice PM me. I know what all that is like. I too am begged not leave etc. I may be able to share some things that have helped me.

    Thanks for that perspective

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