There are a lot of things that make me have days like this, the utter embarrassment of being are part of a cult that protects child abusers, that enforces emotional brutality through shunning, and that lies constantly.
The lying I can tolerate, the world is built on bullshit, I have a high lie tolerance. I can ignore it if it has no effect on me etc. The other stuff really makes me sick. My entire family treats me as a DF'd person, and that is usually what gets me going down this path, I just want to cut and move on. But then I have this discussion with myself usually on my commute in:
Why I don't
- I don't want to play by their rules. I know others who have walked away and moved on with there life and its awesome. For me though being married to and supporting a pioneer, I feel I am still in too much.
- I have some dear friends I'll lose. I have some wonderful friends in different areas who's company I enjoy, and they are not assholes. I really hate to alienate them, but mostly what bothers me is I will be alienating them from my wife, rather the cult will, and I am no an asshole so that bothers me.
- Opportunity to help anyone I know who starts to wake up. This hasn't happened for me yet. But I am an optimistic dreamer type, and I think about the day a cousin, or someone contacts me and starts talking about it.
So its only three, but they are huge. The reason I want to.
- I am embarrassed to be a part of this cult even on paper
- I want to fall on the sword for my family, give them an emotional middle finger
- I would like others who know me to be shocked so if they are waking even a little maybe they will wonder
- I hate being censored, even though its less and less, I want to do and say what I want freely and openly.
- I want to just move on, but with pioneer wife that aint gonna happen, I am going to be still stuck in it in a way.
Anyway just a rant. I want the finality, especially after the shit that ass clown jackson said
If I had said what he said about the GB, I would be DF'd and that is crap!
My wife has already said she would support what ever I do, but she is naive, we are going to both be utterly miserable because I am the one that maintains our social life, already with the things they way they are going its affecting her way more than me.