Wow, Everyone. I can't believe all these warm responses. Thank you.
I gave my son up for adoption when I was seventeen, too. It was against everything I believed in when I gave Kevin (yes, I named him) up. My mother gave Jimmy's (the father's) parents a hard time and they, in turn, paid her off - $1,000. This money was given to the Salvation Army's home for unwed mothers and I lived there, a baby factory, for six months. Jimmy's father spoke to me one last time when my pregnancy was made known to him. He told me that there was one stipulation with this money he was giving my mother, that I must put my baby up for adoption. Jimmy had been adopted and they felt it was the only thing I could do to provide decently for my baby. When Kevin was born, I held him. He was the most handsome baby that I've ever seen. When I was able to walk down to the hospital's nursery window, I stood staring at him and a very beautiful woman asked me if he was mine. I said yes. She said that he was the prettiest baby she had ever seen, too. I got to hold and feed him a few times. I told him how much I loved him and that I didn't want to give him up, but I had to. I told him that I would always love him. A couple of months later, I went into Boston to sign the papers. I had to cross Boston Common to get to the subway. I remember seeing birds all around me and crying as I walked through. I didn't care. I had just signed away my heart.
I got to meet Kevin (renamed Paul) several years ago. He has had a good life and he told me that I did the right thing. His parents also adopted two other children and are really good people.
My daughter had a very bad childhood. She was born a year after Kevin was born. I was saying, Screw You, I won't give this one up! Five years later, just before I became a witness, I became pregnant again with Eric. He was the one who had leukemia. After ten years of being a jw and feeling very lonely, I moved to the South. The brothers there were more interested in me than they had been in Massachusetts. I married the first one to ask me although I didn't love him. He beat the crap out of me and Deanna. He is Greg's father. He treated Greg well, but Deanna has scars on her back from the hundreds of hits from hickory switches and Eric was treated like he was an inferior because of his illness. I divorced him and married his best friend (I loved him). Although he spanked my children, he was more the mentally abusive kind. Deanna couldn't take it anymore and ran. I'm telling you this because Deanna had more reasons to hate me that just me being a jw. I wasn't a good mother. I had expected perfection from her and she was the only child for almost six years. When Eric got sick, I gave him all my attention. Then, I married awful men who just added to the abuse and neglect.
I've tried to reconcile with her, but she has become an alcoholic and is very messed up. There is a whole lot more to this, but she has made it very obvious that she wants nothing to do with me. I am always here for her. It's been several years since our last contact. I tried to tell her how much I love her and how sorry I am for the childhood I gave her, but she is so full of anger, she wouldn't listen.
When Greg called me yesterday he asked if I had heard from Deanna. I know that it hurts him, too.
I hated my mother when I was a teenager and came to love and respect her after I had children of my own. Deanna has two sons who she left in the care of her in-laws. Having these two beautiful children didn't change her feelings toward me. The damage is that great.
I think if she knew I was no longer a jw, she would hate me all the more. She would think about all the hell she went through and now I'm out of it, when it's too late for her.
My life has been pretty screwed up and I guess that's why I'm so grateful that Greg is who he is today, that he was able to lift himself out of it and still have love in his heart for me.
Edited by - windchaser on 13 December 2002 8:34:28
