An exJW gets one pregnant

bluemoon

I'm relatively new here and this site has helped me a lot. However, I think I'm going to need more help... I was DFed back in July just after my 18th birthday; I just couldn't take it any more. Things have been very hard for me to say the least. My parents and my friends no longer talk to me and pretend like I don't even exist. I have tried to straighten my life out as best I could. I received state money to go to college and I work two jobs to pay for the rest.

Now my girlfriend who is 17 just told me that she is pregnant and is absolutely beside herself right now. She is currently a dub and she wants out but does not want to loose her family and friends as I did. Her mother and brothers are devout jws and will surely flip out. Her dad who lives apart from them is a cool guy and likes me but he scares me because he can be a violent man. He has always told his children not to make the same mistake he did by having children and getting married at a young age; he calls it the worst mistake of his life and that it ruined him. I think when he finds out he will come after me. We just don't know what to do. I think we are in major trouble. Any advice? It would be much appreciated.

TR

Well, hey, sorry you're dumb enough to get a 17 year old TEENAGER pregnant. You gotta deal with it. My best advice would be for her to carry the baby to term and put it up for adoption to a decent 2 parent family. Either that, or make sure you support that kid to the best of your ability. Option #1 is better, though.

Sorry dude.

TR

NaruNaruChan

Hey, ... that's rough. Can you support her? I mean, are you living in a college dormitory? Or are you living in an apartment? My suggestion would be to get her to move in with you when or if she chooses to leave the org. I just left a month ago, I'm telling you it's harsh and unforgiving and fucked up the stuff they will do to you.

And if she stays in the org., pregnant and unmarried... she'll regret it. They'll cast stones at her as if she was Satan himself. My best suggestion to you would be well... if you love her, and she loves you, then do EVERYTHING you can to make it work for her. Ya gotta take responsibility for what you do. (shrugs) As for losing friends/family... well, they weren't real friends to begin with, because they only like ya for yer religion, and that's plain fucked up.

Dia

There are some truly wonderful things happening in open adoptions.

Where you could put your child up for adoption but remain in their life, as needed (by the child, not by you - tho often families visit each other a lot during that first year, when there are so many wonderful things happening and it's not yet confusing for the child).

The point is, you would find a lot of support and counseling through adoption services and all of you could kind of 'grow up together' timewise.

Ultimately, you would both also have a little bit of 'family' that it doesn't sound like you have now.

Other good things to consider:

* You'd be making some infertile couple truly, deeply happy. (You get to pick who it would be).

* You'd be transforming a very difficult situation and one that you might be tragically sorry for, into a wonderful blessing for everyone. For you, for your girlfriend, for your child and for the very hopeful unknown couple you haven't met yet.

* You get to 'start over' with all of this, without destoying someone else's life.

Precaution - don't go through a private attorney with someone you find in the newspaper. Go through an established agency where no one is in a position to 'scam' you for anything..

PurpleV

You are going to have to make some very hard decisions here. You might not like it, but it's reality.

You can either let her go back and grovel for forgiveness and let her family take care of her, but as Naru said, her life will be an utter hell and the baby will be raised a JW and IT'S life will be an utter hell too.

OR

You can bite the bullet. You'll need to drop out of college and get a full-time job, marry your GF, and help her get out of the organization. The s*** she's gonna get when they find out she's pregnant should more than help that process. Also get the book "Crisis of Conscience" by Ray Franz, former governing body member and both of you read it. (Avail. from www.freeminds.org.) Also if you marry his daughter, maybe her Dad won't throw you in jail for statutory rape.

OR

Go the adoption route. Just don't let your baby be raised a JW.

Good luck... please let us know how you're doing

((Hugs))

LB

Well buddy I did what you did many moons ago. I did drop out of college, married the girl and did what was considered right. Was it a mistake? Who knows but we divorced and i kept the boys. I've done fine and was able to retire at age 50. So life doesn't have to end.

Sounds to me that while dad might seem cool that he's a turd. Referring to your children as the biggest mistake ever isn't so cool.

She won't be DFed for getting pregnant. There will be a judicial committee and she'll have to confess her sins. If she is a decent BSer she'll be fine. She needs to ask those turds for help, to assist her back on a spiritual path. This way her family won't disown her. At least they won't be forced to.

Now you my friend. You have to cowboy up. You are still a kid but guess what, it isn't about you any longer. It's about your baby. At the very least you have to be more than the sperm donor deadbeat dad. Be a huge part in your babies life. Get that check to mom on the first of every month, if you two don't live together. Be there. With money and love. Just be there.

MrMoe

I got knocked up back when I was 20... had the baby at 21 and was DF'd as a result. Best damn thing to ever happen to me tho. Emmie is my world and it was a wonderful nudge to get me to leave the JW's. I was reinstated later, but after that never went back to another meeting. In the end, mom was really supportive - tho daily reminders from dad about what a whore I was was really tough.

Not sure what to tell you, it is your life. Big difference between my being 21 and her being 17.

Anyhow... it is up to you. There are several options. How far along is she?

1. Abortion

2. Raise the baby

3. Adoption

I myself would be sick if I had gave my daughter to another family to raise, but that is just me. Being I am an adopted kid, the rejection issues growing up really ~~f**k~~ with your head.

MrMoe

Just because she is pregnant does NOT mean you have to marry her people. This is NOT the 50's for God's sake. Marriage is an even bigger deal than having a kid... in my book.

cruzanheart

Good advice from all. My advice to you, while it may seem like closing the barn door after the horse has bolted, is to invest in some really good condoms, carry them with you at all times, and USE THEM NO MATTER WHAT. Also, don't get yourself in a situation where you will feel resentful to this child. It is NEVER the child's fault. You and your girlfriend made this decision (or parts of you did) and this is what resulted. Now you both must do the grownup thing and either take care of this child tenderly and lovingly for the rest of your lives or find someone who will.

I wish you both the very best.

Nina

Vee

Dear Bluemoon,

It's an incredibly tough situation you're in, but it isn't the end of the world, you will get through it.

I left the org for the first time when I was 17 and was in a relationship for a year. During that period I thought I was pregnant several times and I was very messed up about the decisions that I would have to face up to if I was positive, decisions that I just wasn't ready to face so young. So you're not alone, so many of us were in similar situations as you once.

It's difficult for you to be logical right now, but one thing you have to realise is that you aren't going to be in control of all the decisisions. You're possibly in a better situation than your GF since you are out of the org, and have had more time to deal with the shunning and rejection. Your GF has so many decisions ahead of her, and all ones that will need to make quickly.

The truth is that even if you weren't raised in a JW family and were 17 and pregnant this alone would be a difficult thing to have to cope with, even non-JW families are too happy when their 17 & 18 y/o children are having children. Your situations are especially difficult because you may not as yet have formed your own personal beliefs on things like abortion. And your GF probably isn't ready yet to give up her family in the way that you were forced to. The comments that have been made about living up to your committments is absolutely true. It's too late now for regrets you just have to do the best you can with the current situation. No matter what decisions you make you will be forced to deal with them indefinitely, either physcially or psycologically. You will be much more honorable to yourself and also to the people such as your family who have cast you out if you stand by your GF in her decisions. Unfortunately as unfair as it may seem your GF is possibly faced with the biggest decisions, things which ultimately you may not be able to influence. But if you offer her your full support she will have all the options available to her.

I really feel for you both and the very difficult situation you're forced to deal with, on top of all that you have had to bare with growing up in the org. It is an incredibly common situation you find yourselves in amongst teenages in the org. If only the org were realisitc and not repressive, many situations like yours could have been avoided. But if you be true to yourself about your thoughts and feelings and what you can handle, you will be much stronger and a better person for it in the long run.

I wish you all the best, please keep in touch...luv V**

An exJW gets one pregnant

Share this