I just read LuckyLucy's thread and wanted to tell my story.
I also want to ask a question: Why are women who have children viewed more favorably than women who don't? Especially if the choice is to not have children. I am curious by the negativitiy I have experienced by voicing this.
I do not have children. I am getting close to the age where in-vitro becomes common. My husband and I have been discussing do we/don't we, should we/can we for years.
I was raised a dub, my husband was raised a Catholic. As any good JW girl knows, the secret to acceptance and happiness, as a dub, is to get a man....any man. The sooner the better. I was raised with this thinking until my mother's divorce when I was 13. Too late to get those thoughts out of my sister's head or mine.
My sister got pregnant when I was 15. Had the kid when I was 16. I wanted a baby--BAD!! All the attention, all the acceptance, all the love that my relatives showed just made me more determined to get one for my own.
Luckily for me, no one wanted me. My mother was/is somewhat of a parriah in the cong, so the boys stayed away. (sis got preg by a worldly cousin of a JW friend)
Fast forward to college. I had to go to college. This was decided by my mother during the spring of my senior year in HS. (I have the feeling she realized I was not pioneer material and no brother wanted me) I was educationally unprepared, however, I gave it my best shot for 4 years. During my Jr. year, away at the university, I met my first real boyfriend. He was wonderful. (I lost my virginity, at home, with a guy I went to the community college with during my sophomore year. My mom was at the Friday night meeting and I had him over; she never knew. He was a bum, just looking to deflower someone). Anyway, my boyfriend at school was great. He really seemed to love me. He was from the Chicago area and I visited his family when we were on break. However, he was Mexican. I was 1 year older and left school while he was a senior.
My first summer out of college I started working and meeting men. I worked at a company where there were mostly men...they all seemed to like me. I had gained some confidence being away from home, however, not too much. I was flattered by all the attention and decided that waiting for Lupe (my boyfriend from school) was silly...I would date and see what else was out there. Plus, my mother was telling me a Mexican was not a good idea. She is very racist. I am not. I was stupid for hurting someone who loved me because I wanted to see what else was out there.
I hurt Lupe deeply. I was selfish. I didn't think of how I was hurting him, just of myself.
I started dating a guy who worked in the shop (it was Pella Windows; we distributed and assembled the final product at our facility); he was tall, blond and very cocky. We had fun, however, he did not want to get married; suddenly I did. He dumped me.
I then went out on New Years Eve, Dec. 31, 1984, and met another tall, blond man. We started dating and 2.5 months later were married. In the meantime, I had gotten promoted, was working projects and getting raises. He wanted me to stop working, stay home and be a wife and mother. He told me he wanted 4-5 kids and I was good material. I said no. He then started verbally abusing me. I was stupid, fat and ugly. He told me that all the time. Then he threw me up against a wall when I told him I would not quit my job. I walked out that night. (I found out during the discovery phase of my divorce that he had been married 2 previous times and beat both women)
My boss at that time was a guy at work who I always could talk to. I told him what happened; he told me to get marriage counseling. I ended up at a shelter for abused women. I did get counseling. That was helpful. However, I did get divorced. I met, married and divorced my husband all within 14 months. (J Lo. is taking way to long )
My boss asked me out the day my divorce was final. We dated for 2 years and were married about 15 years ago.
When we married, we decided to wait on children. We were young (mid 20's) and had time. About 3 months after our wedding, I was diagnosed with epilepsy. I have grand mal seizures. I am on lots of meds to ensure I do not have more seizures. Luckily, they have been nocturnal seizures, so I have been able to keep my car and my independence.
About 2 years after our wedding my husband accepted a job offer in Ohio. We moved and lived in Ohio for 1 1/2 years. Then he took another job which required us moving to California. We again talked kids and decided we would wait. Money and careers were critical and what the heck, we were young. We had time.
3 1/2 years later we moved to Cincinnati with his job. We were there 1 1/2 years and he took another job promotion; on the condition we move to Wichita, Kansas. We were there 3 1/2 years. My husband accepted another job and we moved back to Ohio-where we are now-for the last three years.
I am no longer in my mid-20's. I am on medication that causes birth defects. We kinda decided about 4 years ago that maybe having children was not in our future. When I look back, I never had a "mommy" instinct. I never had an overwhelming desire to have a child. (being 16 and wanting a child for attention does not count) I realize now that not having kids was the best solution for us. My husband can devote the necessary time and energy to his career. He does not seem upset at not having kids.
We both grew up in extremely dysfunctional households. We have both admitted that we don't know how to raise a child properly. Using instinct does not seem fair to the child. OTOH, reading every book in the world on child rearing won't make you a good parent, if you don't have something in you. I don't think I have I have that 'something'. I believe my husband does, however, he would have to give up work hours, possible promotions, golf, dinners out, movies out and alot of other intangible things. We only think about them when we talk to friends with kids and realize how easy our life is.
My MIL wants grandkids. She knows my medical history and the complications and does not care. My mother could care less. She does not want more grandkids. She has my nephew and that is 1 too many. She is not interested in being a grandma.
I now tell people, that have the nerve to ask why we don't have children, that it is a medical issue. It really was not a medical issue until I hit 40. Now, between the meds I am on and the risk of Down's, it near impossible for me to imagine risking having a baby. That I do not think I want anyway.
If we decide in a few years that we can afford to raise a child, give up lots of stuff we like to do, etc., we will look into adoption. However, I need to be sure we are both committed to being there for the baby. I cannot say that now.
I have been called selfish, lazy and a child hater. I am selfish. I am not lazy, nor am I a child hater. I just don't feel that I would be a good mother.
When I hear woman saying that they just cannot wait to have children/love being pregnant/it is the most rewarding thing/the kid is the light of their life....etc., I get annoyed. Yes, they give up alot to be a mother. However, how much thought and planning have those people put into being a parent. Not too much. When I see a poor, uneducated woman/mother on TV for some terrible news story, I wonder why they keep having kids. Too many people have children and don't spend time with them, read to them, etc.
I have thought about this for years. Not being a mother is my choice and I am no less a woman for not having a child. People need to respect the people who know that procreation is not for everyone.
edited for typos....ooppsss
Edited by - teenyuck on 15 November 2002 11:29:23
Edited by - teenyuck on 15 November 2002 11:32:35
Edited by - teenyuck on 15 November 2002 11:35:44