Why I don't Have Children

by teenyuck 28 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  jgnat

  teenyuck, thanks for sharing your story. You make some very valid points. You asked,

  Why are women who have children viewed more favorably than women who don't?

  Our society has come a long way in many respects in the treatment of women (we no longer wear skirts to our ankles, for instance) but motherhood is still sacred. We all want great mothers, which is very good. But what about women who cannot or do not want to be mothers? I agree with you, that our culture can be pretty hard on them.

  Another symptom of our motherhood bias, is the huge stigma that is attached to bad mothers who have their children removed from them. I have had the unfortunate experience of knowing a few of those, and their embarrassment and humiliation is total. It is worse than admitting you have a criminal record. It is a rare woman in that situation who can admit that social services was right. One bad mother I know wasted her children's entire childhood playing tug-of-war with social services, dragging them in and tossing them back in to foster care. She ruined any chance those kids had for growing up in a stable home. Anywhere. Why did she do it? Her pride was hurt.

  I wish I had an easy comeback for you to answer the "concerned biddies" waiting for your belly to blossom. How about:

  • And when is your next one due? Inquiring minds want to know. I hope you have triplets.
  • (For JW MIL) I am Waiting on Jehovah. I am Waiting 'till after Armageddon.
  • I had surgery. It left a huge scar. Do you want to see it?
  • (For meddling mothers) How many children do you have again? When is the last time you went on a holiday without them? You poor dear. It must be very difficult...
• 

  teenyuck

  Being raised a dub, I never really thought about getting old and having to take care of my mother or MIL. I actually thought of it watching the Soprano's! When Tony's mom was in the nursing home, I realized how much it costs. I think my mother has enough money to live til she dies. I know my MIL does not. We will have to pay or take her in. That is sobering.

  Maxwell, I tried to talk my husband into a vasectomy. He agreed one night after a few glasses of wine. The next day, he denied all knowledge and claimed no one was coming at "his boys" with a scapel!

  Mouthy, thanks!

  BG, it is not because of breast feeding....honest!!

  I guess I am just lucky that I didn't have a child when I was 16, obviously unprepared. Then I think back to how hard I wanted one and why. Then I look back at the last 18 years and I realize that I just never felt that need-once I realized that having children is such a sacrafice. I love my husband tremendously....he is a wonderful man and I think he would make a great father. Hopefully, in the next few years we will decide whether to adopt or not. I would like to help a child in need. I would never expect them to take care of me in old age. But, then again, I never thought I would get old, with armageddon and all. Que Sa Ra Su Ra! ( I hope that is spelled right)
• 

  maxwell

  teenyuck,

  I just checked out a page talking about the vasectomy procedure on webmd.com. I can totally understand your husband's resistance to the idea. It was enough to make me squeamish. If I ever work up the nerve to get it done, it may take a few drinks to get me in there.

  Maxwell
• 

  Shakita

  teenyuck,

  Thanks for your reply. My daughter was diagnosed at age 5. She was having seizures at night. They did an EEG and found out she had rolandic epilepsy. My other kids were all healthy, and there was no history of seizures in our family. Tegretol did have some side effects for her in the beginning, nausea, drowsiness, she even heard noises in her ears sometimes! It was a very frightening time for all of us.

  She use to have breakthrough seizures once in a while, but for the past 2 years hasn't had any. I hope this continues and she can stop the medication in the near future. The worst part for her is the regular blood tests. She is a real trooper. Never a complaint or tear. Thanks for your info. I have researched epilepsy extensively.

  I am glad that you finally found a medication that worked for you. I hope that you also have success in coming off of them in the future.

  Thanks for caring.

  Mrs. Shakita
• 

  WildHorses

  teeny,

  I have to admit. I love my children with all I am BUT, if I had it to do over again, I would only have one.(I don't have a favorite, so I could not choose which one I would have) Three are hard to raise. Especially when the father is no longer in the picture.
• 

  Mum

  Teenyuck,

  First, it's "Que sera sera."

  I understand and support your choice not to have children. It is true that women with children are held in higher regard. I remember that when I was pregnant (in 1972), I thought having children was not in fashion for either "worldly" people of the time or (especially) JW's. Yet, I got so much positive feedback from both sources. Women would tell me about their various pregnancies and what was special about each of their children, though I was a perfect stranger. Even JW women were happy and excited for me despite the "nearness of the end." I was confused, to say the least.

  I had a long conversation with my daughter this evening. She thanked me for loving her and expressed her amazement that I did so despite the fact that my mother did not love me. I did want children, but, because of the JW religion, thought it best not to have any. Fortunately for me, I did have a child despite my "best intentions" not to. If I had not, I would have no family now, as I am alienated from my dysfunctional, abusive, addicted biological family and am twice divorced, single for the last 10 years.

  We are all different for good reasons. There are plenty of children out there in need of a home if you ever decide to adopt. My daughter has one child, but says that she will not have any more except by adoption. Options are never closed in the non-dub world.

  Happy for your happiness,

  SandraC
• 

  d

  Myself I may not have children due to the stress and feelings of commitment. I could never commit myself to being parent.To those that do I respect you but i could not do it.
• 

  LisaRose

  It's true, many women look at motherhood as the be all and end all of their life. There is nothing wrong with that, but it's not for everyone. I wish more people put a bit more thought into it because there are a lot of bad parents out there. Raising children is hard, thankless, expensive work. That adorable pumpkin you fall in love with grows up pretty quickly and becomes that pouting moody teenager that thinks you ruined her life because she can't get a tatoo. Thankfully that phase passes too.

  Just look at it this way, even if you had become a mom when you were younger, they would be mostly grown up by now. The only difference is you could check off the mommy box on your bucket list. It wouldn't be impacting your life that much right now anyway. I am glad I had children, but when they left the nest I was thrilled. At last, time to pursue my interests and spend my money on myself. The only good thing is I have grandchildren, whom I adore. If you could somehow have the grandchildren without having children, that would be the best.

  Every choice in life means you get something and give something up.You don't have to apologize for choosing to do other things.
• 

  nugget

  Having children doesn't make a woman more worthy or important than a woman who chooses not to have children. After all there are many women who have had children and been abusive parents or just horrible people generally.

  Being a mother does not transform you overnight into some domestic godess, what it does is allow total strangers to judge your parenting style.

  Don't let other people judge your choices, you sound like a level headed sensible wonan who would be a great role model for other girls and women.