I've never had the urge to go back, and it's been about 20 years for me too.
For me I have interpreted some of that "comfort" feeling I once had in the Watchtower religion as selfishness on my part. Part of the JW "charm," if you can call it that, is appealing to the ego and making people feel "happy"...or at least teach them to believe that what they are experiencing is happiness.
I took a long look at myself and saw I was being selfish and self-centered, and that this religion was in reality encouraging me to be this way. It "pats you on the back," so to speak, convincing you that your powers of reason are somehow bright enough or enlightened more so in some way as to have equipped you to make a remarkable discovery: The Truth. How clever I was to know how to identify the one true religion. How smart I was to learn the "Truth" and suddenly be more brilliant than the rest of the world (even scholars), and now I was a member of a select few who will ever enjoy a "truly happy and satisfying" life.
The literature we used and the introductions we employed in field service appealed to the self-centered: how can you be truly happy? How can you have life that is truly happy and satisfying? How can you be sure that you are in the true religion and how can you ensure that you will find salvation?
You, you, you! It's all about how "you" can enjoy happiness, find "truth" and make sure you get eternal life. It's about satisfying our needs, serving G-d for a reward, being in the true religion so we survive the doom that is coming...it's all self-serving.
There are no ministries or humanitarian efforts to help society at large. The neutrality issue is an excuse to not put effort to fight for justice on behalf of those who cannot fight for themselves, to seek justice for the marginalized, to ensure justice for the abused. And that religion is a good personal excuse to write others off as unworthy of our care, time, and deep interest.
It was selfish. It was about saving me, not really saving others. And everybody else who was there was after the same thing: saving número uno! If you get in their way they will push you aside. If there's even a chance you are "questionable," you are shunned. They cannot wait for the world and its inhabitants and their children to die and their lifeless bodies to rot. They look forward to that day because it is a selfish religion.
It made me just as selfish, just as self-centered and self-concerned. It made me believe that the goal of religion was to have a happy life. It gave me an excuse for not contributing to society while demanding that society give me freedoms and right I wanted and believed were owed me. That is the make-up of a bad person. I was this bad person.
Some of the people in the org may be kind, and we might miss their company and those friendships. But if that is the only or main reason to return and be a part of this destructive religion, then that shows we are being selfish. Even their disfellowshipping arrangement is made to make people think selfishly: I miss the people, I want their company, me, me, me. Serving G-d for me and because I want to be happy is not serving anyone but me.
I can't say your experience is the same and that I am speaking for any others. But I knew that remaining there or ever returning would keep me the same self-centered person that religion encouraged me to be. I don't miss that person I was, so I never looked back.
