OK, Cajun Boy,
An optimist is a guy that never had much experience.
A redneck dies and left his entire forture to his beloved wife. She couldn't touch it until she was fourteen.
Tell a man that there are 500 billion stars in the universe and he will believe you. Tell him a fence has just been painted and he has to touch it to find out if you're telling him the truth.
And when dealing with one-liner replies: Like a midget at a urinal, I have to stay on my toes. Leslie Nielsen