Well, I made comments on a couple of post already, but I guess I should somehow introduce myself. I choose the user name to hopefully try and identify my past while working for future changes in myself. I’ve been in and out since I was a kid. I was baptized when I got older because the fear of dying at Armageddon got to me.
Well, my life is in turmoil right now. Marriage is failing; wife is out of the truth, but not disfellowshipped and I’m just waiting for the divorce to be final. Right now I still do have some fear of being outed by any lurkers in my hall that may read these comments. I would be easily identified by my story. Yes I’m paranoid, but at this time I can only deal with a few things right now. Missed a lot of meetings and service (yes a lot of not at homes, so I know householders don’t miss me), and I get the occasional call saying where are you and so forth.
I’ve read COC and it has opened my eyes. I don’t want to be in anymore. Really abandoned by everyone and nobody has a clue to the pain I’m dealing with. I guess I knew all along it was false, but what really pushed me over the edge was the visiting speakers giving a talk at the convention about the “apparently Jesus meant overlapping generations” talk. Wow, I don’t know how he can say that with a straight face. I’m still trying to find a translation that says “overlapping” (just joking).
It’s funny; I have family in, but no friends at all, at least ones that can be considered real friends. You know, we really don’t want to know anyone’s business, right? I’m told to pray, personal study, meeting attendance and service. Once I do these everything will be fine. Wrong, did those things and marriage still failed. Kind of a good thing though as my soon to be ex-wife hasn’t been faithful (infidelity) for a good part of the marriage. I held on mostly because of scared of being alone and also to be considered a truly forgiving Christian, but you know what, I’m doing okay.
My therapist is helping me to overcome some of my past. I’ve seen my mistakes and had to finally realize to stop doing things to make others happy, especially when they don’t deserve it. That goes for being a witness too. Told I have capabilities, but never appointed. After so many talks about reaching out, I’ve asked and was told “well you don’t really reach out, it just kinda happens”. Well, that was eye opening. Yes I was going out in service on the holidays when only two or three of us showed up. Hypocrisy!
Well, now I’m just trying to find my way. Don’t know how to make friends to be quite honest. Been so use to false friends, the kind you only see three times a week. Just trying to find my way and learn to start fresh. Tired of the guilt trip! My therapist says I’m on the way to doing that. Honestly, seeing all of your posts here helped me to know that I’m not alone. So I hope to be able to participate here to the best of my abilities, heal and move forward. Mad that I’ve been lied to, but I should have known better!