Tearing me to shreds

by Mimilly 28 Replies latest watchtower medical

  • LyinEyes

    Well,,,,,,,, DAMN.....................why can't life just roll on smoothly for at least a few weeks anyway??

    I sure hate to hear what you are going thru. Something I have learned here lately, nothing is final , nothing is set in stone, things change. So what ever is going on could be just another one of life's little evil test to see how damn strong ya are, who knows? Just think , keep yourself going, get stronger , I am not saying forget it at all, but realise what a gem of a lady you are. You deserved to have that happy life and to glow like you did the last weeks. When you glow, others will see it and be drawn to you, but only the worthy ones. I know the pain of things like that must be awful, but time moves forward and use it to make yourself feel good . Time will tell your husbands true heart.

    Wishing you happiness,,,,,,,,, Dede

  • ugg

    i wish i had words of wisdom for you but i don't....i read your posts,,,and you are a wonderfully

    kind person....i am glad to know you...life sucks...no getting around it...try to hang in there and just

    know that you are cared about...you are not alone,,,at any time, ever...((((((((((mimilly))))))))))))

  • Mimilly

    Well, the day passed into evening into night. I've gone through uncontrollable sobbing to feeling an unbearable weight on my chest to dreaming about overdosing to get rid of the invisable pain. NO - I am not suicidal. It is a fantasy played out in my mind that I will not act on. I slept for several hours.

    A rollercoaster of one minute this, the next minute that. One minute, this is for the best, the next minute, an inner screaming to go back to Friday, when I was oblivious to this.

    We've spoken several times today. He said he'd be there for me whenever I needed him. He feels a tremendous guilt, and I'm glad for that. And when the divorce papers materialize, he'll find out that I will exact alimony from him, and he already knows that. I've never done that before, and I'm not being vindictive. Even he says that I'm the only wife who was always there for him no matter what, whether we were hateful or not - I was there, and because I wanted to be. For better or worse, remember? I took my vows seriously.

    He's giving me his 1990 Toyota Tercel. He has another car now. I have a friend who works on cars for a side business he's building. The car needs the carburator replaced, which Lloyd has, and the transmission pan fixed. It has new tires, including winter.

    I never studied for the assesment. Oh well. I"ll pass.

    His 13 yr old son, Logan is drinking and fighting. I foretold this. Lloyd pushed his older son away by the way he dealt with him, and I suggested that he get Logan into counselling, cos the kid is carrying an enormous amount of anger. Logan lives with the xbitch and she's abused him emotionally and physically. Social services knows. He was used by her extensively as a trading tool during the very ugly divorce. Visitation is not an issue - we'll be there for all the kids.

    Inside is a voice that says that I'm gonna be alright, but other times it hardly feels like it. I'll never get married again - famous last words. But like Lord Lloyd says, (I call him that when I'm mad), work will be my saviour. At work there is no down time for thoughts. No long nights this winter, cos i'll be working as much as possible.

    If there is a good thing to be found in all this, and it's only been one day, is that we're staying close friends. It's been one day and the rollercoaster has been viscious. I hate the g-force feeling in my gut. I'm falling down a black hole, with nothing to grab onto, no one to grab onto, and no net below me, and I'm hoping these wings of mine learn to fly solo soon.

    It means alot to me, all the hugs and kind responses. I carry them, keep them close.

    Dry wings dry; Fly wings fly.


  • LyinEyes

    Emailed ya , Mim......hugs dede

  • kelpie

    I totally know what you are going through when some one you love tells you it is over. You feel like you will never move on and that life will never be the same again. How could you ever love like that again.

    but let me tell you this, life does move on, it does get easier!. It does take time but one day you will realise you only thought about him 5 times today and the you realise you only thought about him 3 times in a day and then it will you go a whole day with out thinking about him.

    Time does heal. Just hang in there and time will be your saviour. By the looks of things you have many great friends on here.. Use them, lean on them cry on them. It all helps with the healing process.

  • Goshawk

    I probably should have just emailed this but here goes:

    **Hugs** Mimilly **Hugs**

    Everything you are feeling now others including myself have felt. You are not alone.

    My situation was coming home to a two-page letter and an empty house. Its only temporary, they needed some space and time, well that changed when the papers came for divorce. I have felt what you said you are feeling.

    Time dragging on minute-to-minute, hour-by-hour, emotions of highs and lows comparable to a mountain range with deep canyons. All it takes is one thought; a single unguarded memory and you are pulled into the deepest of these valleys. While in that emotional valley the pain is physical, mind numbing, wave of raw emotions that seem overwhelming. Then the calm when you are able to think, rest and take care of what needs done that day but, fearful of the emotions that lay just under the surface threatening to drown you. Knowing what you had held as a dear, trusted, dependable constant in your life is now not there your mind knows that things wont ever be the same again but your heart cries out for what is lost. The mindless pain, the anger at being hurt, the loneliness of being betrayed, the sadness of loss all these emotions trying to come to the surface. Wondering when the pain will end, and feeling helpless, unable to make the pain subside. The peace of sleep being invaded by dreams that make you remember the loss, dreams that allow you no escape from the turmoil in your heart. The Self-Indulgent thoughts that you know you will never act upon but are still there when you feel your worst. Yes, others have felt this as well.

    Please listen (read) and I will try to be as direct as I can.

    When will the pain end?
    Salem, honestly, Im sorry but never. Each day it will hurt a little less than the day before, and with time and the help from your friends it will hurt only when you choose to think about it, it wont as invasive as it is now and the pain will diminish.

    You have your daughters that need you very much. You need to hold it together for them AND yourself. Being aware of self-destructive behavior is half the battle in not hurting yourself and others around you. Each day you get stronger you can help to pass this strength on to your daughters. Sleep will help you heal and recover and by venting you have shown that you are aware of what you need.

    Remember these things:
    You are not a bad person.
    Dont give up.
    You are not alone, you have friends.


    Ps Tonight I will do something that I havent done for years. I will say a prayer for you because I know what you are going through. I am sorry that it isnt more but it is all I can do. If you need to talk I will listen.

    Edited by - goshawk on 18 October 2002 3:49:46

  • Mimilly

    Goshawk - you described it all brilliantly. Lately I have been working (a god-send) and sleeping. I have learned already to attempt to keep busy - aka - distracted so that time can do its thing. I fear sleeping too much and missing out on more important things.

    I splurged and bought two new pairs of jeans. ( I needed them anyway) The girls at work are taking me out tonight, and although the bar scene has never been my scene - it will be distraction. I've also started doing my yoga again. The car I have now needs the carburator replaced, so I called another friend and he's going to do it for me. I am thankful to have so many calm voices I can turn to in this storm.

    I've lost a little bit of weight, which is good, but I have to start eating healthy. Can't do it all at once. I'm going to sit down and do the goal thing. One thing per week, and make it an easy thing.

    The emotions in a single day exhaust me. If I can keep busy, my head won't have time to sink into that dark place, though I know well that I'll have to spend time there in order to deal with it. I've never been someone who 'does' denial well.

    I have one more week of training on day shift and the final week of October I'll be on the 5pm - 2am shift, which suits me fine.

    My girls have been astoundingly wonderful. Shelene got the stitches out of her mouth and is feeling better, and Beth is buying her very first car. I cherish my girls more than life itself. Watching them tells me I've been a great mom - and that's something that noone can ever take away from me.

    Thanks for your prayers and thoughts. Muchly appreciated.


  • Kingpawn
    I've gone through uncontrollable sobbing to feeling an unbearable weight on my chest to dreaming about overdosing to get rid of the invisable pain. NO - I am not suicidal. It is a fantasy played out in my mind that I will not act on.

    As a therapist told me: "Feelings lead to thoughts. Thoughts lead to actions."

    While it might be true that this is just a "fantasy" looking into the abyss isn't healthy. As someone noted in their sig, sometimes the abyss looks into you.

    But it sounds like you are weathering it well, all things considered. The whole thing could have been far uglier. Then there are your daughters to consider. They need you. You have a job that you enjoy and friends there as well as here.

    No storm lasts forever. This too shall pass.

  • waiting

    hey milly,

    There are sooooooo many of us who understand your feelings "been there, done that." It's been 22 years ago for me & my divorce, but still remember much of it.

    My therapist once told me "Anger is a great motivator." I agree. Perhaps not anger at an individual - but at a situation, time, consequences, etc. Once the anger flows through, it allows room for mellowing, and growth.

    You sound like you're already growing.....congratulations on your achievements! It will take time - but it's do-able, and it definitely gets better!


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