by kenpodragon 21 Replies latest jw friends
It was in the reading about and going to meetings for codependence that i learned that i had no responsibility, generally, for the anger of others. After that, i withdrew from projects involving others' lives. I realized i had some issues myself, for which i am responsible.
I read all comments on this thread w great interest. Thanks.
SS
Hi, kenpo,
I know sometimes as a friend you do need to be someone who listens to venting. I just wonder, what benefit comes from accepting that anger and running with them on it.
You seem to be saying that listening to their venting is the same as accepting their anger. It isn't. It is the listener's choice whether to get angry or not. It's quite possible to listen, allow them to blow off steam, and then respond according to what's needed without becoming angry yourself, and without validating their anger.
Frankly, if I were blowing off steam to someone after a series of frustrating events, and they changed the subject on me with no acknowledgement of what I'd said, I would consider it rudeness of such a degree that a person capable of behaving in such a way could not be considered a friend. Any relationship on any level, whether friend, speaking acquaintance, or merely professional contact, would take a heavy blow as a result, with me making a mental note never to open up to you again about anything on my mind.
COMF
It comes down to perspective and feeling on the matter though. For example, body language can be a big factor. Is the person coming up to you with sadness and tears, or a look of despair. That would be a different feeling all together. What though if they are coming up to you with the angry stiff look of someone mad, does that change the reaction? To me it does.
If someone vents like the person I mentioned, great! Just like steam out of a pot though that vents when it boils, it leaves and disappears. My point is more, do not let the steam catch on you and let the cycle start all over again. As a added note, this employee in question always wants to keep the staff angry. So by frustrating her with not carrying on the subject, I have forced her into a corner of either finding something good to say about life or stop bringing everyone down.
I do want to note, friend and staff member are in two totally different categories with me. In both though, they can vent, just do not expect me to join a cause of thought that you yourself developed.
This is kind of a fun conversation.
Take Care
Dragon
Added later : I would like to add that I would never ignore a friend who needs to talk. Venting though to recruit others into your anger or side, is more what I am refering to here. Before I left for the weekend, I did not want my last post to make me sound like I was a person who did not care
I added the above thought after all post from here up were written. I just wanted people to know what I was getting at, and not appear to be saying I shut my friends in need off.
Take Care
Dragon
kenpodragon - i love your illustration re "handing you their ball of anger". like passing the torch or something. i've been dealing with a woman at work lately who fits this description perfectly. i dodge her balls constantly, and this dodging gets tiresome. i just might greet one head-on and send it slammin' back at her one of these days. nah. i think instead i'll just burst out laffing at the new visual i have of her walking around with balls of anger. lol. thanks fer that.
I think people are entitled to their anger.
I do not "accept" people expressing their anger toward me in an "inappropriate" way however.
I think that along with the "entitlement" to be angry,
comes the "responsibility" to handle/manage their anger appropriately.
Sometimes, going and talking to someone, is a way of handling anger.
It can be appropriate or inappropriate depending on who and how many they talk to.
Every person / relationship / situation is a little different, i guess.
I even know a person who appears calm cool and collected all the time, but who's "aura" (sp?) seems very very angry to me. Every little comment comes off as a seething expression, an undercurrent of rage.
No. I guess I do not accept that when it is "passed" to me. Again, I think it's each person's responsibility to handle their anger in an appropriate fashion.
I think that the only time I would accept a "ball of anger" would be if I was the genuine cause of it, in some way "deserving" of being on the receiving end of it. Even then, the discharge of said anger would need to be handled appropriately.
Or perhaps if I was in a position of guardianship (over a child say) and it was my responsibility to assist the person in my charge to learn to deal with their anger appropriately, then I might "take on" that ball of anger for them. I'm a little fuzzy on what the boundaries would be in this case.
There are some people that seem perpetually angry, though, and do seem to want to "pass it on".
I suspect they know no other way. Some of them even seem to "get off" on it.
Not me. I prefer to feel content. I'm happy to note that most of the time, I am.
Thanks for your thought-provoking post.
SPAZ
It goes something like this Kenpo..."pass it to me...pass it to me" and then you drop it on the floor and watch it go splat!!
It is true that you can reflect someone else's anger, but you can extinguish also. Let them vent, let them tell you what happened, and how they feel about it. I think I have said this before, but I believe it is all about reactions. If you react with a passion for their pain, then of course you are igniting their anger. If you react by first listening, you can then contemplate a response, and do your best to de-fuse their anger. Keep in mind that their anger is not your responsibility...it is their own...but some people do not know how to deal with it. If you ignore it when they pass it to you, they will just stop passing you the ball full stop, no matter what it contains....anger is just one ball that can be passed. You want to be approachable...especially as an employer...so how YOU react to their venting will determine who you are as a person/man/employer/husband/father/friend etc.
~Beck~
Edited by - Beck_Melbourne on 5 October 2002 6:58:26
If you ignore it when they pass it to you, they will just stop passing you the ball full stop, no matter what it contains....anger is just one ball that can be passed. You want to be approachable...especially as an employer...so how YOU react to their venting will determine who you are as a person/man/employer/husband/father/friend etc.
Beck,
I loved that. Good addition to the subject...made it do a good full circle.
Tera
If an employee is prone to such states of anger so much of the time, why is that behavior tolerated? If they are worthy, then how about anger management classes because I, for one, would be long gone from such a work environment.
It's good separating the personal from the business . But again I ask why should other employees be subjected to the whimes of an individual that (if I read correctly) thrives on pushing other peoples' buttons.
Ya know we had a roommate for 16 months that thought it quite cleaver to push and push; and although his ploy was not presented in anger, he loved it when someone came back in anger at him. Well, Kenpo, let me tell ya; he realised the wrath of a normally "walk away, don't react" woman because I was in his face. This was the man who encouraged me to stick the pins in the wax dolls because he didn't believe it possible. When I turned all his bullshit back on him, he couldn't leave our home fast enough.
I refuse to entertain people who do little to nothing for creating a change. There are times to listen, that goes without saying...listen to complete strangers too, for christ sake, but it will become obvious in a short time that a great majority of people really don't want anything different. When we can shut down their game, they become bored and will usually leave us/me alone.
I sometimes think anger is mis-repesentated as something only vile and negative. I disagree. Anger has a place and time. It's about our personal motive and accepting the responsibility that goes along with.
Angry people have been able to accomplish good, too. As for passing along "their negativity", as already stated, I'm not responsible for what they do or don't do. I liked how one person wrote to take the ball and let it go splat!
Granny
how about anger management classes
I think I will suggest that to her. She always has so much to hate about. Have you ever met someone who always thinks their kids are sick and takes them to the doctor constantly. She is the type. There is a name for it, but at the moment it excapes me.
Take Care
Dragon
Hypocondriac?? Neurotic?? Pain in the ass?? Oh no, that's Andy's ex LOL.
~Beck~
