Hello Little Sister,
I really appreciate your thread this morning, and am very sad to hear that you are having a difficult time right now.
Perhaps our conversation from the beginning of the week is still ringing in your ears. I did not mean the brunt of my strong words to be against you and your "good intentions". You must know that, and yet, I have to be true to myself and let my energy flow as well.
For me, being strong, is letting go of mom. The problem is that she has stated her desires, and made herself very clear to me, and yet, she is trying to go around the back door to find out through you "how I'm doing", and "how I'm taking things" and to relay her "messages back to me". I find this totally unacceptable behavior on her part.
Although my stance is probably what parent's of teens would call "tough love", I have had to adapt to the restrictions placed upon me, and to live my life as emotionally balanced as I can. Mom cannot have it both ways. Of course I love her, and that is what I'm trying to relay to her by totally "accepting" this shunning. If the rules apply, then they must apply consistently. Then, she will not be in the "total control" of the situation, as she is trying to be, by saying one thing and doing another. By her own words, she feels that she has been "very bad" for all this length of time (these past twelve years) that she has allowed some communication/limited association with us. I don't believe that any of us overstepped our boundaries, but it still is not enough for her. So, we have to set our own boundaries. That's why I spoke lovingly and kindly to her, saying: "okay, now that I understand your rules, here are mine....". We do this out of love and out of our own desires to not only survive this latest ploy, but to live our lives fully, in the joy and happiness that it has taken us so long to achieve.
Mom simply can't accept the fact that "I took it well". She doesnt' understand that she is a captive of her own fears and insecurities. Until she comes to understand that, we must NOT ALLOW ourselves to become her victims. That is why I have taken the strong stance that I have with her, and all this business concerning her in the aftermath.
I know I am where I'm supposed to be. I was down, and actually feeling emotionally like our mother had died. It is such a serious thing with me, that this is my choice for a coping mechanism. And, in feeling that I have lost my mother, comes all the rush of emotions, such as sadness, grief of loss, feelings of abandonment, pain, anger, frustration. I do appreciate that you have allowed me to work through the grieving period. I have been over that part now for a week. Since August 30th, until the 14th of this month, I worked through some very extensive issues. This emotional rolleycoaster is nothing new, and so it catipulted me into this Dejavu thing and it was like a massive "double wammy".
Each of us have had to deal with this situation our own way, and yet, I know that we are apart of the new energy, and are moving forward. As human beings we have great love and compassion for our dear mother. But it is not healthy to allow ourselves to be jerked around emotionally by the whims of the WTBTS, who operates it's hatred and condemnation for any who do not conform, through sincere people like mom.
More and more the WTBTS is telling them to "hate" us. Dear sister, those are very strong words, and could lead them down a very dangerous and perilous road from this point foward. I doubt that the borg will change. It will have to be the followers who stand up and say enough!
I personally feel that in viewing mom as "dead", that I still have the "resurrection" to look forward to. In my mind, if she were to see that she has been trapped by a controlling group of people, all in the name of service to god, then she will "awaken". She will be ressurrected like new, and be free from this religious bondage. When that day comes, I will wholeheartedly accept her back into my life. I am a very compassionate person.
But, we do have to face facts. There will be many who will be unable to accept that they have been so misguided. This will be a dangerous time for world religions. They will be masses of very hurt and angry people. Perhaps some will chose not to accept the "new light". Perhaps our mother will end up being one of these individuals. It will certainly be up to our creators to determine what their fate will be. This is way beyond my present concerns.
In the end, it really doesn't matter. What will be, will be, and we cannot control the ending. JW's are just a part of our society, a sick part. Religions are so twisted in their thinking and they have warped mankind and affected so many lives. The creators will eventurally come back to claim their beautiful earth and to release us from the "captivity of ourselves". What a wonderful day that will be. True freedom for all.
Until then, I will respect the choice of the woman who gave birth to me. I will loosen my connection and let go. I do this for me. But, I also do this for her.
Namaste,
Your sister, Karen
Edited by - Sentinel on 20 September 2002 12:51:34
