Apostate Man, I am sorry you are going through such a difficult time right now. I don't have much more to add to what the others have said, get a tough father's rights attorney, ask for an independent psych evaluation, organize a scrapbook or photo album of how involved you have been in your childrens lives, yeah, and don't talk to her, but don't stop trying to talk with your children. You are at war now, like it or not. I wish you the best.
It's been awhile, PLEASE HELP
by apostate man 26 Replies latest jw friends
-
-
DJ
I just remembered that you said you work 2nd shift w/ no family nearby. Oh, that is a problem too. So, if the kids are at school all day, then you are leaving for work when they get home. That is not in your favor. I hope you can talk to the boss about your situation and change shifts. Otherwise, I guess that you'd get week-end visitation unless you hired a nanny. You wouldn't see your kids much though. This is a tough one. I failed to ask you if you want custody of the children. I don't think that you brought it up, are we just assuming?? Where is your family located?? Have you considered moving closer to them with your kids? dj
-
LovesDubs
A war it is Apostate...in the truest form. You arent up against a wife here, you are up against the entire organization and they play DIRTY in a big way. I agree that you should DOCUMENT EVERYTHING. EVERY SINGLE EMAIL she sends or you send PRINT IT OUT, date everything, keep it organized. Stop talking to her. Anything she has to say now should be directed at the attorney because she will try to inflame you to say things you will regret both on the phone and in emails. Remain calm...remain MUM. If you send things to the kids, send them RECEIPT REQUESTED so that she cant then deny you ever sent anything to the kids when she doesnt give the cards or gifts to them.
It will be very hard to prove she has been drinking because she can, as you have seen, hide it and turn it on and off when need be. The courts will eventually see that she has a problem with it and so will her lawyer. Aim for JOINT CUSTODY and yes...with SPECIFIC times and dates because she will start yanking them on every holiday just to spite you and will make sure they go to all the meetings or that grandma takes them to brain wash them. They will need to see CALM and NORMALCY from Daddy.
I sat and watched a JW challenge her EX who was disfellowshipped on trumped up charges, try the JW religion vs HIS "faith" in court to see who was a better Christian. It was...I dont have a word for this...repugnant?? the way they lied in there? Find a copy of the JWs "Child Custody" booklet and see what crap they will try to pull if it comes to that. I think there is a copy online here.
The judge heard it all for two weeks and then decided to throw it ALL out and NOT debate the DEGREE of religiousness involved here and went for the good of the child. He would not set a precedent by deciding based on what he had just heard.
You need evidence somehow of the degree that she drinks...does she do bars? Does she drink and then drive? There must be something to show she is a danger to the kids.
Let us know how you are doing ok? http://www.cftf.com/online/1999JanMarp09.html
http://watchtower.observer.org/apps/pbcs.dll/section?Category=JWANDCHILDREN1
Edited by - LovesDubs on 17 September 2002 16:6:46
-
apostate man
Wow, what great replies!
As I said, I did file for divorce. Everything was OK with her family until that point. Since my daughter was born 5 1/2 years ago, and my son 2 1/2 years ago, I have never heard of anything but praise from her family when it comes to me and my parenting skills. Now, it's "aposteman is a terrible father", "ap was sexually abused as a child by his own family", "ap's brother sends child porn photos over the internet", "ap has a gambling and alcohol problem of his own", "ap's dad and brother have cocaine problems". These are just a few of the lies and touch a little on the slandering.
No, I didn't really mean Satanic in the "Satanic" sense. My opinion of the cult is that it was based and formed to keep people away from truth, instead of being the truth. Lets say there is a God and Devil. What better organization than this one to keep people from God? I am not going to bring this up in court, when I said what I said it was in an email to her on the 12th. I am stupid for ever writing anything to her or saying anything to her. My problem, thru everything, I still love her. I can't stand her and I know it is over between us forever and I am disgusted with the things that she has done but I do have feelings for her still. I have since blocked all email address from her and her family from coming into my computer and tempting me.
Now, as far as the children go, I do want custody. My family lives in Illinois and Michigan and I live in Washington State, Seattle area. So they are quite far away. My daughter has told me already that mommy says how I am trying to take her away from her forever. That kind of stuff sickens me. My daughter has also told me how she seen mom spill her "drink" when driving in the van. She actually admitted to this in her declaration but downplayed it soooo bad, like it was nothing. I have only ever done what I thought was the right thing to do at the time.
As far as my attorney goes....YIKES, they are expensive. I have little money. My attorney seems very good at what he does but only charges $160.00 an hour. Most other attorneys around here charge between $160/hour to $300/hour. The first $1500 I came up with is almost gone already and I have a year of this to go. I haven't even been to court yet. Our first date was for the 6th, which she pushed back until this coming Friday, and now I am going to have to push this date back so I can respond to these 82 pages. The response from me is due tomorrow and I just received them last night.
Now as far as she goes, she has a huge bankroll. She just received $20,000 from a lawsuit she had when she was a child. I know, I am so screwed. This declaration from her family really has me upset. 16 pages from her mom alone. Funny thing is that it's mostly hearsay. The lies are thick and numerous. Hopefully, truth will win in this case, it's all I have.
Thank you so much everybody for writing, it helps.
Edited to add this:
I just read a little from LOVESDUBS and that reminded me of late last night. Long story short. She calls me at 11 pm and says her mom just had a stroke. I say thats too bad and I hope you are OK. She tries to get me too say how I hate her mom and she gets very upset when I repeat what I said "hope everybody is OK". Then she comes out and says that she is taping our conversation and has been doing this. Trust me, I lokked in to doing this myself but found out it is illegal here and you will go to jail for doing it. I tell her she does not have my permission to tape me. She then says that she never said she was. Today, her mom is home and OK, no stroke. She had a dizzy spell or something. She said that all of this was my fault.
She also is suing me for the full cost of her attorney, man she is vindictive.
Edited by - apostate man on 17 September 2002 16:33:37
Edited by - apostate man on 17 September 2002 16:44:32
Edited by - apostate man on 17 September 2002 17:2:28
-
ThiChi
"Thi Chi......hi, I'm sorry but i disagree about the custody issue. The mother is an alcoholic, that will definately play a big role in deciding who is best to care for the kids. Don't you think?"
Sorry, I dont remember reading that she is an alcoholic. Is this situation clinically proven or just your opinion? (She is still in good standing with the JWs?) If she truly is, then you are right. If not, it has been my experience that children 16 and under will always bond/take sides with the mother more than the father, I have seen/read this over and over. And the courts tend to agree.
However, a fathers role greatly increases has the children get older and more independent. Your best times with your kids may come when they are young adults. I give you this viewpoint in an effort to prepare you for what may occur and what I have seen happen to friends and other family members......At any rate, a good attorney is your best bet.
"Bring guns, lawyers, and lots of money because shit has hit the fan."
Dr. Tavel
Edited by - thichi on 17 September 2002 17:9:58
-
DJ
Hi again Thi Chi,
No, I don't think it has "clinically proven" that this woman is an alcoholic. Based on everything that apostateman has stated it seems obvious though. Don't you agree? Someone who hides 6 packs in their kids toys, etc, etc. clearly has a drinking problem. I hope that apostateman has some form of evidence to back up what he claims. Here, we just believe him.......in court he has to prove it, I know. Apostateman........................................do you have any sort of evidence to back up the alcoholism??
dj
-
xenawarrior
apostateman:
As I promised, here are some links for you:
Separated Parenting Access and Resource Center (SPARC)
This site is massive! And is great for all separating parents concerned with difficult custody situations. The site is geared towards men.
If you only visit one site for information on the custody process with an unstable spouse, this is the one to visit.
http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/
*******************************
The Parenting Evaluation:
This guide walks you through the entire process of parental and psychological evaluations .
http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/guide.htm
***********************************
a web site devoted to connecting you to the most valuable and comprehensive divorce related information on the internet. You will find helpful and supportive information about divorce, child custody, child support, visitation, modifications, separation, alimony - spousal support, divorce laws, statutes
http://www.divorcesupport.com/
*************************************
FalseAllegations.com
Barbara C. Johnson's large site for false abuse allegation legal support
The site focuses on collecting the most recent legal precedents and relevant cases.
Barbara also offers a cheap fee-based question-answering servicehttp://www.falseallegations.com/
*************************************
American Coalition for Fathers & Childrens Legal Database:
A large collection of precedent cases for your lawyer to use:
http://www.acfc.org/html/legal.htm
*************************************
Child Custody Attorney Network
This site contains family law and child custody attorneys for every state and every county in the U.S.
http://www.childcustodyattorney.net/
************************************
Finding a Father Friendly Attorney:
The National Fathers Resource Center website:
http://www.fathers4kids.org/html/Professionals.htm
Good luck!!!!
xenawarrior
-
A Paduan
Dont say satanic, but make sure everyone understands the fruity nature of their belief regarding you that you are an apostate and as such are a loathsome and destined for doom at the end of the world (soon) and youd prefer that your kids werent subjected to hearing that about you as it is unhealthy, and may take sometime for them to get over it.
paduan
-
abbagail
Hi Apostateman:
Sadly, there obviously are many EXPERTS here who have been thru similar painful situations. The advice they are giving you sounds EXCELLENT, imho (not having any experience myself in these matters).
I agree 100% about documenting every little detail. Don't assume the attorney and/or his secretaries are doing it. If writing everything down seems like too much of a hassle, or you can't sit and type things out as they occur or come to your mind, get one of those $30 micro-cassette recorders at Walmart or Office Depot. Get a six-pack of the little micro-cassette tapes that go with it. It's easier to "dictate" details as they are fresh in your mind, who said what, something you just remembered, etc. Keep it with you all the time in your pocket, and by the bed at night, 'cuz you might wake up and remember something you want to record for future reference. -- Of course the tedious part would be having to go back and type or write it all out. Hire a typist to do it if you have to (look in yellow pages of the phone book for secretarial services). Or ask the attorney if his staff will do it. They all have dictaphone machines in their offices that use these little microcassette tapes.
As far as the "illegal recording of conversations" in your state: This may sound terrible, but I would record telephone conversations anyway. Of course you could never use them as evidence, but it's one way to remember all of the details of the conversation which you could then dictate yourself into your own little recorder for future reference. -- Also, I wonder if it is "illegal" to record what the children say, since they are minors? (as in the little conversation you described above with your daughter), the only purpose being to "document the details" of what the children might say their mother is saying/doing, etc.
Due to the financial situation, I guess hiring a PI to get any "drinking evidence" on your wife is out of the question? (even if she does not go out to bars, she must have to go buy the stuff at the store, etc.)
I do not envy your position. It sounds like an emotionally exhausting road ahead, and I wish you the best.
GRITS
-
apostate man
Grits,
There is a 7-11 right down my street and the night guy tells me that she does still come in and buy alcohol. I am trying to get him to write a declaration but he wants nothing to do with it. Also, 2 weeks ago my daughter came up to me and told me that mommy had "those beers" stashed away in her medicine cabinet. She is hiding them still even at her own apartment. Her and her cousin accidentally found them while looking for a towel.
I have been bad about keeping track. I need to get better about that.
Thank you so much xenawarrior, I will check out those sites.