Reflections...musings......thank you

VeniceIT

After dinner with Trotafox tonight I drove home through Ft Lauderdale on A1A. I had forgotten how much I love this stretch of road. Just driving it with all the people out and the clubs on your left, live music, people dancing and having fun, and then 30 ft or so to your right is the great Atlantic ocean. Whenever I drive this (especially at night) I always feel a thrill, like I'm living big, and anything is possible. We moved north a bit and I haven't driven that in months. I used to drive it to work for a short period, and it took 45 each way, but I LOVED it. I looked forward to getting up in the morning grabbing some coffee and having breakfast as I drove by the ocean, it was soo exhilarating, and I always felt refreshed when I got home too because of that drive. Well tonight I drove it again, and really got to thinking. At dinner we talked about anything and everything and it brought back a lot of memories, nothing like a nice drive to help that out. I realized that in the last few months I've really changed. My original posts here, but especially on H2O are a completely different person in some ways. The posts are full of pain, devastation, and a grasp at something tangible or to hold onto. When I was a JW I'd been hurt very deeply when I was 14. This pain was very intense emotionally and I didn't know how to deal with it. I'd always been the strong one, my nickname as a little kid had been Rocky. And suddenly I was in desperate need of help and didn't have anyone I could turn to, so I turn inside. I put up a protective wall around me that I wouldn't let anyone in, I wasn't gonna get hurt again. I lived like this for several years, being numb not wanting to feel anything. I had just started to come out of this and know what it was like to love and trust people again with my feelings, and emotions. And then all hell broke lose I found out the 'Truth about the Truth'. My world shattered. I lost everyone and everything I had ever known (except my parents), I lost my belief system everything I was devastated. But I was also very AFRAID. I was terrified that I would lock myself up again, I knew that if I didn't keep my self open, open to the pain and hurt then I'd be lost forever, never letting anyone in. My greatest fear had always been being vulnerable, emotionally and physically. And now I was put in the greatest emotionally compromising situation of my life. I had two choices, close myself up or be vulnerable. As I'm sure you've all noticed I chose the later. And I did it to a very drastic extent. I'd always been a very private person, but I forced myself to post the most intimate feelings and pain I had. Half of my early posts I couldn't even read again, and none of them were I able to share with my parents, it was too embarrassing too personal, and yet I could share it with all of you. I still don't quite understand that. I gave unseen, unknown people access to my deepest hurts and feelings. I finally learned how to Trust other people again they way people had always trusted me. I just want to say THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart for helping me to be ME again. To FEEL the good and the bad, not be numb, and to trust people again, and you've never made me regret that. I'd spent my whole life trying to be 'SAFE' and since I left the borg I'd tried to convince myself I WAS safe. But you know what I realized not to long ago. IT'S OK NOT TO BE SAFE!!!! it's ok to be hurt, it's ok to screw up, we don't have to be perfect, it's ok to feel. I've really healed this past summer, Mr. Moe said she could see a real diff. in me. I'm so glad. It took me 2 years and I feel like I have my life back and it's mine again. It's true what they say you 'get back, what you give out'. If you give out positive you get back positive, the same is true with negative. I mean bad things still happen but you know there are those people that nothing bad ever happens to, or people that bad things happen to them but they're always so cheery or have a bright outlook. They seem happy. I think that applies in relationships too. I've seen a lot of posts on here over the months on 'why can't I find a guy/girl'? And maybe I'm the last person to talk about this , but here's what I was thinking. You can't look to someone else to make you happy. You have to be happy on your own first, be a 'whole person'. That way you'll attract a whole person. If you NEED someone desperately you'll attract a similar kind of person, and those relationships are usually a flash in the pan. Everyone wants romance, but personally I knew that I wasn't ready for anything serious. I still had a lot of healing, and growing to do, to be ME and to be happy first. Because I want to attract someone like that, not someone needy or that will drain me. Those are the kind of friends I want too, people that will 'build me up' not tear down, not negative that's draining who needs that. I that's why there's that saying 'you find love when your not looking for it' because your not putting out those 'needy' vibes, but the vibes of a happy well adjusted person. Misery seeks company and if your down the last thing you need is someone else that's down too. hahah this was really disjointed but I just felt like sharing. I was looking out at the ocean tonight with the wind wiping through my hair, listening to the music and thinking "Wow, I've really come a long way." I'm starting a new career, I'm learning to heal, and finally am able to help others heal as well (that was very hard for me, not being able to help others because I was the one that needed help). Thanks you EXJW's, thank you Simon, thank you everyone that has posted or lurked or helped or been helped through this or similar boards. I'm moving on!!! in my life (no I'm not leaving the board, still plenty of 'fluff' we haven't talked about) I might just be here forever.......... Ven

joannadandy

ok this has nothing to do with anything but A1A rocks! My sis lives on it! Despite the construction and conjestion in some spots it is so fun to drive and people watch.

VeniceIT

where at on A1A???? I just love it, there's like some kind of energy or something!!!

Ven

MegaDude

Nice post, Ven. Amen, amen, amen, amen.

joannadandy

She lives right on the line between hallendale and hollywood, very near the giant beach ball watertower....Actually I love the Hollywood beach boardwalk. It's so fun to walk a long at night, hang out with all the Germans and French Canadians--or as I like to call them my pasty brethern...lol

VeniceIT

ahhh ya that boardwalk is fun!!!! we're up north of Ft Lauderdale a bit, aven't been down there in ages, let me know next time your down

Ven

MrMoe

Ven -- what a beautiful woman you are becoming. Life may not be all Funshine all the time, but that is what makes the simple things so much sweeter. Luv u sweetie...

Love,

Amanda

cellomould

Hey Venice, Amanda, & co.

Thanks for sharing your feelings (or musings, as you say ). I have been thinking along similar lines lately. You really need to be strong to have refreshing relationships.

I have noticed that I have not met many guys my age whom I consider really exceptional and strong people. So of course, it figures that I have not many gals my age like that. So what can I expect from romance that I cannot get from ordinary relationships?

The point is...I need to get stronger. I cannot latch onto someone else.

I think you have said it correctly.

cell

joannadandy

damn cello, just when I was hoping you would attach yourself to me in a barnacle type fashion...I never win...

Larry

Love this quote:

"You can't look to someone else to make you happy. You have to be happy on your own first, be a 'whole person'"

Amen to that!

Simular to what you said - I think people will find the same type of people over and over again, until they change themselves. Reminds me of a saying from an Eastern Sage "The best way to change the world is to change ourselves."

Peace - LL

PS - When you posted on H20 what was your 'name?'

Reflections...musings......thank you

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