A Time to Weep. A Time to Mourn

by Swan 40 Replies latest jw friends

  • Swan

    Last week my niece died in a car crash. She was only 18 years old. I haven't seen her since she was 10. I missed her all that time. Now I miss her even more. I wish I could have said goodbye, but I was forbidden to talk to her. I didn't have enough time to go to her funeral. It was halfway across the country and I had less than 24 hours notice. I was allowed to send flowers.

    I went to work today, thinking that work would help keep me busy and keep my mind off of the tragedy. It didn't. Halfway through the day I talked to my boss and took bereavement leave. So now I am home, thinking a lot, crying a lot, and trying to keep busy around the house. I try to find joy in the simple things and appreciate being alive, because you never know how short it will be.

    When I went to my first funeral, I was about 10. My grandmother had died. My grandfather bawled. My brother and I started crying too, but my great grandmother and my mother told us to hush up because it would give a bad witness. We were told that it showed a lack of faith to cry at funerals and that we should be strong to show unbelievers our faith in the resurrection.

    Why is that? Did any of you encounter this pressure not to grieve? In Ecclesiastes chapter 3 it talks about there being a time to weep and mourn. If wise King Solomon says it's okay to cry and grieve, why is it frowned upon or seen as a lack of faith to sincerely express those emotions at a JW funeral?

    Just one of the many things that has been on my mind today as I reflect.


  • minimus

    sorry tammy for your sad loss... it's terrible when someone tells you you can't mourn. my thoughts are with you.

  • Prisca


    So sorry to hear about your loss. I agree, we weren't allowed to grieve properly. After all, didn't they always quote that scripture about "not grieving as the nations do"?

    Take your time to grieve our your niece. Grieving not just over the loss of her life, but the loss of getting to know her. It's a life that the WTS has taken away from you.

    Sometimes to honor someone who has died, or on the anniversary of their death, I buy a beautiful bunch of flowers to put on my table. They celebrate the life and beauty of the person you are remembering.

  • RubyTuesday

    ((((((uglyduckling))))))My deepest sympathies.

    Im just curious why you where not allowed to see your neice?
    The same thing happend to me when she(my niece) was 12 years old.
    I havent seen here for over 10 years and often wonder where she is or how her life turned out.

    I believe that everyone grieves in their own way.My father died when i was 12 years old and I reacted the opposite of you.I did'nt cry..in fact i was very angry he died...My whole world went up in flames!! My dad was suppose to be strong. My grandmother kept trying to get me to cry and she kept handing me kleenex..It just made me more angry...(maybe one of the reasons why i did'nt cry was because my dad did'nt like it when we cried)everyone thought i was a freak. I later cried in private ..usually late at night or when i woke up from a dream where my dad came home..it seemed so real.

    My point is everyone grieves differently and everyone should be allowed to grieve their own way!! I feel so strongly about this.Don't ever let anyone tell you how to react to anything.Just let it out the way you want.

    So so sorry for your loss..life is precious.

  • professor

    I am sorry for your loss, Tammy.

    It is only human nature for you to feel the way you do. The old testament required grieving time for widows. Anyone who tells you not to cry at a funeral is sick. It is not surprising, though. The Witnesses really would rather you deny your emotions, such as the sadness of giving up your family because they are disfellowshipped, the pain of denying your child medical treatment, or the sympathy and compassion for a young child who has been molested.

  • Joyzabel


    I am sorry for your loss.

    IMHO, I think the " no grieve" message was that we had to have shining, smiling faces (fake) all the time. Good point that Solomon said there is a time to grieve. So now you have 6 million+ people who don't know how to grieve and all the pent up emotions that go with that. Therapist these days must be keeping busy dealing with all this stuff.

    Hang in there Tammy, give yourself time to grieve, not only about your neice but the loss of your family that you deal with everyday. (shunning)



  • WildHorses

    Hi UD,

    Again, sorry about the loss of your niece. Have you given any thought of having your own little memorial for her? It may in fact lessen the pain and sorrow you are feeling.

    I myself never had any close JW family and the short time I was a JW, no one passed on so I never attended a JW funeral.

    ((((((((((((((((((((((Hugs to you)))))))))))))))))))))


  • capbuster

    Dear Duckling, No matter what anyone says it's perfectly alright and very very normal for you to grieve. I read your story on the Sheep and it touched my heart, how true and painful this is for you. I can't imagine what pain you are going through. Remember Jesus loves you and he is the shelter in the time of storm, let him help you if you can. And always remember that the ugly duckling turned into a beautiful swan. I'm praying for you.


  • Mulan
  • Beck_Melbourne


    The fresh news of losing a loved one is never easy...so sorry to hear your sad news.

    I recall being advised to mourn in a theocratic way...not as the Nations as Prisca mentioned...but also our way of mourning was meant to be a good witness. The only jw funerals I went to where no one was crying were funerals for the oldies who had died of natural causes. When it was for a child or younger person, it was so much more tragic and heart wrenching.

    Death is a terrible thing...no matter what side of the fence we are on. Its just so sad to see the WT tell people how to mourn like its some kind of show...i hated that.


    Edited by - Beck_Melbourne on 27 August 2002 0:33:21

Share this