my global statement

by lauralisa 24 Replies latest jw friends

  • lauralisa


    I am so off this planet.

    I have had so much therapy in the past, I dunno, forty years, that it makes me "sick".

    I have learned to speak in cognitive-speak. I have learned to think in cognitive-speak.

    I have survived jw-endorsed "therapy": A jw-sanctioned therapist in Northern Virginia who could "cure" dissociative disorders in just a few sessions. She learned this technique from the "society" and therefore, did not charge for her services. I of course had to go in after hours (after 'paying clients' appointments were over for the day) and was required by her to have my own 'support system' in place ie elders, etc. because since she was not being paid, she could not be available for emergency therapist-support due to this treatment offered through the freaks at bethel. My "support system" was baffled, non-existent, and thought I was a flake. I was embarrassed to have even asked them to "help" me under the terms defined by the freak jw-sanctioned therapist.

    It almost cost me my life. I fired my REAL therapist after finding her (a jw!!!! god sent her to us troubled souls!!!) and did what I was told. After the first session, which was incomprehensible to me, I hounded her for the real source of her treatment modality: it turned out to be a "cab driver", also a jw, who had somehow come across this "divinely inspired" course of treatment, which was supposed to cure me in a few hours, at most. I SWEAR THIS IS A TRUE STORY. She misdiagnosed me so badly, it can not be over-whatevered. After an unsuccessful suicide attempt (using the meds prescribed for my misdiagnosed "psychowhatever"- (the THIRD time I'd been "misdiagnosed" as bi-polar) my original, actually-qualified original therapist actually accepted me back into his practice.

    Almost eight years later, I have learned how to Not be Co-dependent. I have learned how to speak clearly, directly, and to the issue. Many people have paid me to participate in their research. I am a "survivor." I have spoken as an "example" of someone who has successfully "whatevered" at conventions for therapists studying PTSD, (against my better judgment) because I thought I was helping people, whatever.... I have been involved in international studies which have been attempting to document "hard science" evidence into the changes that occur in the brain, (hippocampus) and have been told that I have "made a difference, support their research, and whatever.

    My ability to speak clearly, directly, not co-dependently, and whatever has resulted in my virtually NEVER being heard as a real human. I have needs for connections, feedback, love, encouragement, and whatever. I see all around me people engaging in "pre-whatever" stages of "recovery" (like such a concept exists....) receiving major responses in threads encouraging them to hold on, they are loved, they are understood, they make a difference, etc.... yet, my direct, cognitive-based, healed-survivor (lol) supposedly "example of someone who's made across the mountain" comments go either un-noticed, or misunderstood, or simply are not interesting enough to respond to.

    I have observed people objecting to threads because they are triggering go on to post material which is nothing other than graphic text-book examples of triggers, only to see them be enveloped in warm encouragement. When I try and post a thing which is in its context is really a true desperate call for encouragement, no one responds, or it goes into some freak thing which requires much effort on my part to ameliorate damage I've caused by my remarks. I do not understand people.

    A couple of months ago, a person visited me from another state. I experienced a connection, a safe, wonderful connection that restored my faith in my ability to even HAVE such connections. I felt like the loss of my younger brother (second sibling lost to suicide) had somehow been relieved, because this person restored my faith that people could actually be soul-connections.... only to have my significant other object because this person had -for a mere few seconds- over-stepped his whatever by grabbing me by the waist and holding me affectionately. (that gesture meant the world to me. At no point did I feel it was inappropriate nor disrespectful.) This person would have possibly could have possibly could have possibly would have ......) I do not understand men.

    I have simply lost hope in the human race.

    I don't want to live on this planet. I am supposedly a poster child for recovery, yet I am the most alone person I know. If I died right now, three people would actually care for more than perhaps twenty minutes, two of them being my sons. I am currently experiencing the weirdest apathy. I am damned if I do, and damned if I don't. I am tired. I don't care. I am so beyond tired

    I am not enough of an internet junkie to have multitudinous sites to post to. I am entirely clear that Simon's site is not the appropriate place to post such a thing, but I don't care. For the few (if any) people who give one tenth of a fuck, they can read this, and perhaps feel like they had a goodbye. My two siblings died without notes; I know how much I wished to have even a few words from them....

    I am so fucking out of here. I wish to say to one poster here.... who might recognize the topic heading: MY GOD... go and get LAID already.... I thought you would be a friend, but all you wanted was to get laid.... you never heard a single word I ever said...

    I'm supposed to have a major life-event occur on Friday. I will not be there. He'll survive. I posted an announcement about it which illicted one response (thank you minimus). I am tired. I am gone

  • SixofNine

    glad you called

    Edited by - SixofNine on 22 August 2002 2:26:32

  • TR

    Jesus, lauralisa, I'm so sorry about what you had to go through. It's probably a good idea to not attend this major life event. You need to get better.

    I noticed that you didn't mention suing the ass off the 'hovah therapist. If what you say is true, you should.


  • Swan

    Dear lauralisa,

    I have to admit that I have no idea how to reply to this post. I do not have all of the answers. After 9 years in and out of therapy, you think I would, but I don't. So I wouldn't be a good person to counsel you about where you are at right now, but I am a good listener, and I care.

    I am relatively new to this board, so I don't think I have actually met you yet. I am here to listen, if you would like to talk to me. I too am lonely. I have only recently started talking to xJWs about my PTSD experiences. It is nice to have people who have gone through similar trauma. So listening is the only thing I can offer you right now. I have had lots of experience listening.


  • DakotaRed

    Laura, your plea saddens me. I too don't understand people, including myself. Do any ever really recover? I've had a life of abuse and three failed marriages myself, so I know what it is like to feel all alone. Just today, my doctor said it wasn't good for me to be living alone (blood pressure issues). I felt like asking her, "what should I do, take out an ad in the paper for a mate who wishes to live together and have occassional sex and cuddling?"

    At least I have my daughters to turn to and enjoy my grandsons often. They mean the world to me. Otherwise, I might have been gone years ago myself. I've been exposed to four suicides myself and they sure are hard to deal with. I even tried counselors and found most of them more screwed up than I was. So, I just forge ahead and take life one day at a time and as it comes. What else is there? So far, that has kept me going.

    If you ever need a sympathetic ear, though, feel free to contact me.

    Lew W

  • abbagail

    I don't know you, lauralisa, or your whole story. I hope this is not a suicide note... 'cuz it sure sounds like one. (I've written -and acted upon- several in my own life so The DEEP Pits are not unknown to me). What is your PTSD from? I've got that label, too, but it doesn't affect me so much anymore (not tooo much anyway). I think getting older helps (hormones DO affect the brain chemistry, as I'm sure you know). Are you hooked up at SIlent Lambs (IF that is what your PTSD comes from)? I like hanging out over there myself. It helps. What is a JW-therapist? Never heard of a "bethel-sanctioned" therapist.

    I loved your use of the word "whatevered" over and over. ;) So true when one hangs around therapists and shrinks too much. I've been thru 'em all myself, and don't bother with any of them any more. Their opinions never seemed to "hit home," so I just blew them off eventually. Maybe a little vaca away from therapists would help clear the air. (?)

    Sounds like you're feeling pretty alone. The worst feelings are "hopelessness" and "despair." Feeling "trapped" is also another killer. I wouldn't wish them on my worst enemy because they truly are deadly. I don't know what to say except I KNOW THE FEELING! Having ONE person who understands The Deep Pits does help. Do you even have ONE person you can talk to? (A friend, not a therapist). When there were no friends to talk to (and as much as I hated it when my Mom would say it when I was "dying" as a teenager), she would say that old cliche, "This Too Shall Pass." And I DESPISED hearing that, because I did not know how to believe it or apply it. But in the last 7-8 years or so, I was Forced to LEARN TO BELIEVE IT (or either overdose again which my body just couldn't take one more time and not 'really die' from it), so I would say that phrase over and over in my head (half praying, half chanting), because I really DID know, somewhere deep inside, that if I could just "Hang On" for a few days, it really WOULD PASS. I came to conclude (in my own case at least) that it is completely physical in nature, triggered by hormonal upheavals, that no damn therapist or doc was ever able to figure out. So I just had to learn to SURVIVE on my own. And Yes, it was TORMENT. And it could still hit me again. Not saying I am safe and free from it forever. But it comes Less and Less as I get older, THANK GOD!

    Please come back and tell us more. We're listening.


  • sf

    Please, answer the yahoo pm's Laura. If you want to give me your number, I WILL call.

    {{{{{{{ tight, tight hug }}}}}}}


  • BeautifulGarbage


    Check your email.



    Hi Lauralisa,

    Check your mail and/or call me please - 512.264.2108



  • BeautifulGarbage


    If you are out there, and please check your mail, MY OFFER STILL STANDS!

    Been thinking about you.


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