I have been laying on my bed for awhile now, trying very hard to just stay still. Today, I left this board for a break. While typing it out, there was a steak knife at my side (from cleaning guck out of the mouse), but it beckoned me. I was once a cutter. I would cut my arms or whereever - to relieve inner pressure, pain,anger, fear, lack of control - etc. (For those of you who don't already know my story, you can look it up on this site.) I haven't cut in three years.
I cleaned the floors, bathroom, I cried. I received email from many posters who saw my thread and honestly, I was overwelmed and thankful. I AM tired. Tired of the heat that my area has been cooking in for two weeks, and all that it caused physically. While two things triggered me on this board as of late - due to my being run down, it affected me more than I knew and it was my worrying about someone who didn't know what to do while in the triggering stage reading these things that finally shut me down. I was being told how silly I was by people who do not understand. (paraphrasing btw)
While laying on the bed I realized how badly I wanted to saw away at my arm. Relief. I wanted this build up to drain out. I have no phone at present as it's disconnected temporarily. (go figure - at a time like this)
I should've turned away from the infighting here. But there was only horrid heat. I should've just surfed fluff - but I cared about someone getting hurt. In the end - it was me who got hurt and it's no one's fault. Had I not been run down by the weather and such, this wouldn't have happened. I would've ignored the nonsense. I love this place, and no one will ever be able to make me leave it permanently.
Meanwhile. I long to cut. Because I have no phone, the rule is 'reach out'. That is what I'm doing.
I don't long to cut - I crave it, I need it, I want it - but I know it's wrong. Trouble is, I'm tired - really tired.
so this is a piece of me reaching out
salem