I confess, I really didnt understand the emotional turmoil of rape until the first time I read about homosexual rape in prison, then the realization set in, rape isnt bad, its terrible beyond belief. Any man that would do that to another person, is in need of surgery.
ladies/gentlemen..Give me your take on this
Have you ever dated a woman who was raped?
Yes, more than one in fact. Rape is tragically very common in SA.
did you help her to get past the pain or was it to much to deal with?
Well, both times we split up for reasons entirely unrelated to the rape incidents, but I tried my best to be there for them. My hatred for rapists has significantly increased, however, because of the incredible emotional trauma these ladies suffered, which in turn affected me. It's a long story...
Did you feel you would always have to prove to her she was safe with you?
Well, after a while they trusted me and began to understand that I wasn't going to hurt them, period. I instinctively feel protective towards ladies who've been through this stuff, and hopefully they understood this. I can be a tiger if somebody wants to hurt a girl in my presence!!!!!!!! Other than that, I wouldn't hurt a fly...personally, my philosophy is, if both parties aren't enjoying the act, then there is no point and you may in fact be hurting your partner.
Hey SYN Nice to meet you.
You sum my feelings up in a couple of thoughts. I can't stand to see women hurt either I even find myself protecting women I can't stand. I feel as long as you don't put your hands on one or abuse them in any other way it's okay to disagree. Thanks!
Thank you so much minilly and right back at you...
you know, this is an interesting thread..I too have dated a victim before..one of the things that people don't realize is that victims are as different from each other as are people who haven't been abused/raped. We're all different colours and we have positive and negative traits. We'll all human.
The fact that two people may share this experience in common does not necessarily make for a healthy relationship...or a great beginning. It can be intimacy for the wrong reasons, if you know what I mean.
I'm not saying it can't work...I'm just saying I need a vacation from it once and a while and the fact that my partner has not experienced this is not a bad thing in my case.
Monster; Syn; LB; Shutterbug - your thoughts make me smile. You're living proof that decent men exist.
Monster - thank you for starting this thread.
Morrisamb - You are so right. Breaks are necessary for sanity's sake, not just for a partner, but also for the victim. Healing comes in spurts, just as growth does.
I have often said that I envy others because they can walk away from me, and well, I'm stuck with me. I've had to learn how to accept the lulls in the storms as little breathers from it all.
hugs n love,
Edited by - Mimilly on 6 August 2002 16:37:45
First I would like to thank everyone that particpated in this thread especially you Mimilly; It couldn't have been easy for you to open up to a stranger and share a very dramatic and disatrous event in your life.Thanks to all of you I have learned a little more on a very touchy subject.
one of the things that people don't realize is that victims are as different from each other as are people who haven't been abused/raped. We're all different colours and we have positive and negative traits. We'll all human. morrisamb
Morrisamb those words are so true. I have watched some women become completely destroyed by some ass hole who did this to them while others (like Mimilly) have come back fighting saying no more , never again. It depends on the state of mind and strength of the woman I guess.
I feel good about coming here.
I want to say one more thing:
Morrisam & Mimilly the two of you are an example of just how STRONG women can be in times of crisis. I hope only happiness for the both of you. It's good to know these assholes couldn't destroy you.
Monster - you said it must have been hard for me to open up to a stranger about what happened to me. No, it wasn't. I am now in the stage where I can talk about what happened to me without too much internal backlash. That's why I offered my email to you. There are details of my life that I would never ever post here - and not for my sake, but for the chance of triggering someone else.
Again, my email is open, and I'll answer any of your questions. What I'm finding now is that people asking the questions cannot handle the answers. It seems to work both ways, and the answers will affect the asker.
Also, remember that both sexes abuse. And btw - Morrisamb is a STRONG man, who's book is being or has been published. I'm extremely proud of him, and can't wait to read a copy.
hugs n love,
And btw - Morrisamb is a STRONG man,
LOL Now why did I think he was a woman? Don't tell him I thought he was a women.
Mimilly I can't get my email to reach yours , it keeps coming back to me so I put my questions in here but don't answer any of them if you don't feel you should here. I will try another way of reaching you in the mail.
Here's my letter I wrote you. Hey Mimilly, I went out looking for that book you recommended today. I found one called "against our will" it's deep but it mainly talks about rapes in wars and prisons. My problem is; I have a cousin that one night opened up to me after I over heard her crying and begging some ass hole not to hurt her. I was ready to kill him but she was so out of it and worried that others would know she was going to be raped I backed off. At first I didn't understand why she would want to keep it private but, she explained that she would be made into a joke and she couldn't bear it. I thought about the ladies in Saudi who were made into jokes and understood. What she told me next sent chills up my spines, the following are her exact words to me: "James, I am not a pretty woman so I don't understand why men choose me to do this to me. I have never been nothing except nice to most of the men that do this. They only hurt me when I try to fight them back. I don't know why they hate me so much all I do is say hello and nice things about them and to them. But I still cannot make them like me , I asked myself what's wrong me that men hate me so much?." I asked her why she feels that they hate her? This is what she said "I know for a fact that if they liked me they wouldn't be so quick to hurt me. Men don't hurt women they care about or like. I see them almost everyday treating women with respect talking nice with them offering to take them out to dinner but with me all they want to do is well you know.....About a year ago I tried to force a man to leave me alone he beat me so badly I thought he was going to kill me. Everytime I try to make them stop fear comes up so strong in my mind I let them do what they want. I don't want to be beat on anymore but I don't think I can take much more of this. I can't go to the cops because they like all others are going to find something in my life to say I asked for it, everyone will know I went to them and I will nothing more than a damn joke. I told a friend what happens in the beginning she was very nice to me trying to be helpful but whenever I say anything that disagrees with what she say's on any subject she throws this in my face to remind me that I am nothing. It's hurts so much all I can do is go home and cry. I can't go on any further like this, if I don't own my own body I won't continue to live in it." In other words she's thinking about taking herself out. I got to do something, I can't tell her family what she said because she trust me to keep it private but if I don't and she does take her self out and I knew it was going to happen and never warned anyone what will I say to my aunt? She's so emotionally destroyed if I tell her she's not ugly but in fact pretty (which she is) it bothers her. She the first women I know that cannot and will not hear any compliments. She hates them. Every day she's becoming worse. She cannot stand being in crowds, she thinks everyone is making fun of her, she can't even get on a bus , the family doesn't know why they think she's just being lazy. No one has noticed the change in her. Don't get me wrong she's not hearing voices or any of that but the depression she is suffering from is destructive. So you can understand why I jumped right on the rape issues here. You can see why I wanted to know how to help a person of rape or atleast listened to how many of you have helped yourselves. She was real tight with my sister, but even my little sister don't see the change in her she thinks she's just not outgoing any longer. She don't understand and once again I am bond by my word to never tell it. Okay say this was your cousin what would you do to help out.? I know this is very , very , very personal and I don't mean to bring up bad memories for you or embarrass myself I am just looking for help and the so called rape sites are not helping at all. I feel strange because, I never would have believed it could happen in my family it's always something I read about on others. Noticed she said, "they" so this has been going on for a while. This pisses me off. Mimilly you don't have to go into detail about yourself I know it can be hard to trust people especially people you don't know, just talk I will read it all , something in your words will do some good. Sometimes a little talking goes a long way. It doesn't have to be about rape just talking about things that makes you happy may help. Maybe I can take her some where and try something different with her. And teach her how to and get over her fear of men. Peace James.
Hi James, (and thanks Mimilly for clarifying my sex!)
Thanks for your comments. I think this board is an interesting place to make connections. The fact it is run by Simon is big plus...He's fair to the posters and is as honest as they get when he posts himself.
Mimilly mentioned my book. Instead of reposting my story, just click on www.fatherstouch.com and you'll find my story.
Edited by - morrisamb on 6 August 2002 22:13:3