by freeman 22 Replies latest jw friends
It sounds like it worked out very well. Relax and have a beer or an ice tea and be happy.
All marriges are give and take. GIVE AND TAKE it has to go both ways if its any good.
It sounds like there are respecting your wishes and probably a lot of it is because you were upfront and to the point open and honest about it.
Imagining all sorts of dark and dasterdly things going on in the shadows will only cause you to build a very soild wall that wont come down.
((((((((BE happy!))))))
After I was Df'd, my husband, who I was divorcing on grounds of abuse (the elders had previously hid me and my girls in a safe house cos of him), would either see or talk to the girls every single day. And every single day, he would quiz them on who is going to live and who is going to die. They had to answer that he was going to live and that I was going to die. My girls at the time were 10 and 8 years old. My youngest came running in the door after one visit screaming "I hate you mommy - I hate you!!". I knew she didn't, and I knew where it was coming from.
I called the PO and let him know what hubby was saying and doing to my girls. I threatened that if it did not stop - I would file charges of abuse against hubby and THEM for allowing it to continue. This elder was super reasonable and hauled hubby to task several times. I never told hubby he couldn't take the girls, unless they told me they did not want to go. I had several talks with both girls - called 'reality checks' in our home about their father's actions and words. (not to demean him in their eyes - but so they could figure out what was going on in their own little hearts - kids are not dumb)
Today they hate the borg. Hubby left after being counselled to death - I guess he thought he was on easy street. (after all - he was in contempt of court for non payment of maintenance and quitting a job at Michelin Tires so as not to pay a dime to the kids, yet was handling the mics) I reminded said elder of this too. I played their own game against them for the benifit of my kids. The reality checks work wonders - so long as there is no dirty stuff being hurled. I reminded them that their father loves them as best he can, and then asked if they thought that Jehovah would approve of what he is saying and doing. I also told them that often when moms and dads separate/divorce, mean things will get said and done to hurt the other one.
Reality checks are great tools with kids of any age. Just taylor it to them. Ask the question and they will get the answer, and above all - remind them that even though mom and dad are arguing, both love them dearly and that it isn't their fault. I said this often. No matter what - that is the thing that has to be said over and over.
Kids are smart. Be honest and respect their feelings.
hugs, Mimilly
I too disagree w letting a 13 yr old decide his own religion. If you give him that right, then give him the right to die in a situation where a blood transfusion would save his life. He is probably a bit confused and unbalanced right now, seeing that his parents have been having a major war. When he turns 18, i would say he could choose a religion. Religion choosing as even more serious than choosing a marriage mate.
SS
Freeman, do not be misled . Estrangement (withdrawal of feelings) is what you are dealing with in your marriage. Your posts reveal that you have not lost your feelings for your wife in fact, you regret having to resort to such methods to get her cooperation.The challenge will be how to "reconnect" emotionally with one another. She must somehow come to understand why you are so opposed . This would clarify why you are behaving as you are and she would appreciate that your motives are pure. Unfortunatly the WTBTS declares your motives impure while telling her she must listen to you. She is in a "psychic vice" and she cannot stay there very long. Advice: Try to get outside counseling. If you do not counter the estrangement she will grow to dispise you and the elders will not warn her of that spiritual danger but they will encourage her to stay close to the organization that shrewdly is declaring you "wicked".
"I talked to the brothers, you were absolutely right, I apologize, he (my minor son) will never go to the meetings again".
Freeman
Although you've won this round, this statement from your wife has to be very disheartening for you. It would be for me. This statement speaks volumes as to who her more important marriage partner is and what priority your decisions and opinions have in her life. She didn't say I've thought over what you've said or I prayed about it......she said "I talked to the brothers......" as if their words and opinions hold more weight as to what goes on in yur household. Now what? Must you look forward to every decision you make that she doesn't like being filtered through the opinions of the "brothers" or a WT article?
When I quit going to the meetings, I took the alternate approach some have talked about. I made sure my son had other activities he loved. I supported his activity in the band in high school knowing it would bleed all time away from those indoctrinating sessions meetings. He was in almost every club. As time went by, I could see the strained look on their faces whenever they returned from those meetings because I knew he was questioning everything he heard and saw. He would talk to me about how he hated going to meetings but I asked him to hang in there for his mom's sake. When he turned 16 I gave him the ultimate gift. After a rather loud argument between me and the wife about how he wasn't responding to WT direction I sat them both down and told her that she shouldn't be trying to shove JWism down his throat. Although she didn't want to speak to me for a couple of days after that feeling slighted that I'd taken his side against her, I came out smelling like a rose to my son all the while managing to keep my family intact.
My wife now only half-heartedly go to the meetings alone and doesn't even discuss them with me when she returns home. When I make decisions, even when she doesn't agree, she goes along. She knows that I will not tolerate any meddling from the "brothers" or her telling me "I discussed it with the brothers". If their opinion matters that much to her, she knows that she's on notice we can arrange for those same "brothers" to pay her bills.
If your wife depends upon your for the necessities of life, perhaps you could use that approach with her, especially if the in-laws depend upon you for support too. I know this is a rather bullying tactic and I'd rather not have to use the support card, but it's seemed to take care of a lot of potential problems that come along with a spouse following dubdom.
The WT is a wholly bullying organization. Turnabout is fair play if it serves the interest of your family.
Your powerful letter is eclipsed only by your more powerful words in this thread.
Might I suggest you now write her another letter, expressing your love and the very things you've expressed to us in this post? Great job.
Hmmm
i'll second that
I HATE THE FUCKING JEHOVAH'S WITNESS CULT TOO!
THEY DESTROYED MY FAMILY!
YOU ARE NOT ALONE!
My minor son will not be sneaked off
that *is* good news about your son. but just continue to be cautious and pay close attention to your wife and son to make sure nothing's amiss. i don't trust those elders who are "advising" her... they've already demonstrated how sneaky they are., and she sounds confused and vulnerable. thinking good thoughts for you and your family. p.s...
I HATE THE F--KING JEHOVAH'S WITNESS CULT TOO!
THEY DESTROYED MY FAMILY!
YOU ARE NOT ALONE!
.
Edited by - beck_melbourne on 3 August 2002 12:27:36
